Sunday, 24 May 2015

The Ben Chatham Facebook Page

Ben now has his own facebook page:

Thursday, 1 January 2015

"Darkness at the Break of Noon": Part 2

Part 2

Ben quickly put together his action team, consisting of himself, Kyle, Paul Farraday, Corinne Shaw and Adam Wooten. Ben drove the team at speed through the frost laden countryside towards Suffolk and Rendelsham Forest. Paul Farraday briefed the team:
"In 1980 there was a major UFO incident in Rendelsham Forest. At the time part of RAF Woodbridge, based there, was being used by the US military.Dozens of US Air Force personnel reported seeing strange lights within the forest and a rectangular vehicle which glowed red and had strange liguid dripping off it. UNIT investigated and the government ordered a massive cover up in order to avoid alarming the general public."
"So what was the outcome of the UNIT investigation?" Adam Wooten asked:
"They concluded that an unknown alien threat had attempted to infiltrate the base and failed," Paul replied, sipping a glass of scotch. Ben frowned:
"I think it is more likely that the incident back then was just a fact finding mission by these aliens. They were attempting to gauge the stength of our defences and our response to them. Now they have returned with a serious plan."
As Ben spoke, a group of Christmas revellers were staggering up the street in front of them and a drunken young woman in a short skirt staggered in front of the car. Ben managed to swerve and avoid hitting her and she she guffawed loudly:
"Its not funny that you nearly died, you stupid woman!" Ben yelled out of the window to her. The woman and her friends all laughed.
"I wouldn't waste your breath on such people Ben", Corinne Shaw commented.

It was dark when they arrived on the outskirts of the forest. Ben pulled out a device given to him by Keith Smith in order to track the location of the alien vehicle. He gazed at the screen:
"Ok team. The vehicle is located half a mile West from here." Kyle pointed to the trees:
"Ere we can't just walk through them trees as its all overgrown with brambles and undergrowth cr@p".
"I am aware of that Kyle. I'm not blind as a bat. We need to find a pathway," Ben decisively replied. The team searched around for a pathway and Ben spotted an elderly man walking a scruffy looking dog:
"Excuse me. Are you from round here? Is there a pathway through the forest anywhere near here?" Ben asked him.
"Yes, I be from round 'ere young man. I be Sam. Sam Truthers and this 'ere is Barney." Sam jerked the dog's lead and it growled:
"There be a path not far from 'ere. Walk along that there edge an' you'll find it at the end of the field. Leads into the middle. What you doing wantin' to go in there though at this time of night?"
"That is our business. Thank you for your advice. I do think you need to give your dog a wash when you get it home, the animal is filthy," Ben advised. The man tutted and the dog growled. Ben led the team through the field towards the path. He failed to notice the old man pull out a phone from his pocket:
"Ere I've just sent 'em towards the pathway. They should be getting to you in fifteen minutes or so....."
Ben and the team walked through the dark forest, Ben and Kyle leading the way with torches. Ben turned to Kyle and smiled sadly:
"You know Kyle, it is a really sad indictment of the state of my life that I'd rather be spending the festive period doing this than with my so called family. There is no one in my life to see the new year in with." Adam Wooten overheard him and put his hand on Ben's shoulder:
"Hey Ben, don't say that. You know I'd like nothing better than to spend New Years Eve with you". Ben flicked his hair out of his eyes:
"I thought you'd given up on me after my ill-conceived marriage fiasco. Its a date Adam." As Ben spoke, they saw a strange, glowing light through the trees.Approaching slowly, they saw a triangular shaped craft resting in a large clearing.

 Paul Farraday held up his phone and took a picture. He sent the picture to the Operation Delta database and a response was immediate:
"No known data on this type of craft," Paul stated.  An eerie crackling sound began and three strange looking figures approached them. They glowed silvery-blue and had no facial features apart from slits for eyes.

Paul took another photograph, however again there was no date on the figures. One of them spoke:
"We know who you are, earthmen. You are wasting your time coming here, Ben Chatham. The chaos we have created so far is but a preliminary experiment and it has paid us well."
"What do you mean, paid you well?" Ben asked. The alien gestured with its hands and an image appeared in the air of a group of frightened men and women, dressed in prison  uniforms.
"Your government has agreed to hand over the material which you see in exchange for us ceasing to cause social chaos and violence. We will experiment on the material and learn more about your world."
Ben frowned:
"I am disgusted that the government has undermined Operation Delta by not informing me of their covert plan to hand over criminals to you as a form of appeasement."
The aliens turned and walked to their craft. They seemed to melt into it before it began to spin and pulsate. It suddenly rose and shot off at great speed.

Later, Ben held an emergency meeting in the Operation Delta Hub lounge. Paul Farraday poured himself a large Martini, with ice, and stood by the wood fire as he briefed the team:
"It seems that there are elements within the government that are pursuing an appeasement policy with these aliens, whatever they are. I expect them to return in the future. In the meantime, I expect our organisation to be undermined via a covert propaganda campaign in the media or worse. We need to find out which establishment figures are behind this policy."
Ben lay his head back on the sofa and sighed. He took out his phone and typed out a text and pressed send. Adam Wooten's phone bleeped and he looked at Ben's text and blushed. He winked at Ben and Ben smiled, sipping his absinthe.


Monday, 22 December 2014

The Ben Chatham Xmas Special: "Darkness at the Break of Noon": Part 1

OK, part 2 of this will be the New Year special. Enjoy.


Part 1

Ben Chatham gazed forlornly out of the window of the Royal Huntsman Coffee Shop in Cambridge, as the Christmas shoppers passed busily by outside. He swirled the dregs of his coffee around and around in the cup, his dark eyes filled with anger tinged with anguish. Sitting opposite him was Kyle Scott who eyed Ben with a look of some concern.
"Ere Ben, should'nt we be gettin' goin' like? We've got the prezzies and its a long drive to Wiltshire."
Ben scowled:
"Yes thanks for reminding me Kyle... not. *sighs* I'm not sure I can face going out and pushing through those wretched shoppers to get back to the car, let alone drive to Wiltshire and face my parents."
"It might not be the nightmare you think its gonna be Ben," Kyle replied. Ben shot him a look of disdain:
"Oh I'm sure it won't Kyle. It'll be ten times worse. I'm only spending Christmas with them in order to try and salvage something of my inheritance after the Emma disaster. She really displayed her true colours when she told them about the divorce. Why are women so immature about relationships?"
"Ere you did treat her badly Ben. I ain't excusin' everything she's done but you did provoke her like."
Ben flicked his hair out of his eyes and downed the dregs of his coffee.
"Oh yes. If by treating her badly you mean spending a fortune on setting her up with a nice house then yes you're right Kyle. *sighs* I hope you behave appropriately when you meet my parents. No foul language in their house."
Kyle grinned:
"Well I could always stay in Cambridge and look after your pad while you're away".
Ben shot him an angry look:
"I'm paying Luigi to do that. You're coming with me, I'm not facing Christmas alone with them and Katie has gone to her relatives. Oh well I suppose we'd better brave the vulgar masses. Come on."

As Ben and Kyle made their way through the busy Cambridge streets they failed to notice the strange, dark, unnatural  clouds that were forming overhead and covering the sky. As the light faded, Ben looked at his watch:
"Now this wretched watch seems to have stopped. Its getting dark but it still says 12.05. We must've taken an inordinate time choosing that perfume for my mother."
Kyle looked at Ben:
"Er no Ben. Mine says 12.05 an all. Summat's up."
As they looked up at the increasingly dark clouds, a man pushed into them.
"Look where you're fucking goin' mate," the man shouted at Ben.
Ben was about to admonish the man when a woman ran out of a shop screaming, blood spattered on her clothes:
"Help.... my boy... help... "
Kyle and Ben ran into the shop and were horrified to see people running from the Santa's Grotto area as the Santa stabbed at them with a large kitchen knife. Several small children lay motionless on the floor, covered in wounds. A man rushed forward to try and help them but the Santa stabbed the knife right through his neck, a strange gurgling sound emanating from the man as he sank to the ground in a heap. Kyle managed to get behind the crazed figure and smashed a till grabbed from the counter over its head. As the police arrived there was more frenzied screaming from outside and they went to deal with the new threat. Ben and Kyle rushed outside to see a woman wearing a Santa hat stabbing randomly at anyone who came hear her, a body at her feet with gaping wounds. Then people started running out of McDonalds screaming as one of the young male staff , wearing a Santa hat and false beard, ran after them holding a bloodied chisel.
"What the hell is going on? People have gone mad," Ben shouted. By now it was completely dark apart from the lights from the shops and car headlights. Ben and Kyle ran towards Ben's car and lept in.
"Ere Ben shouldn't we stay an' 'elp?" Kyle shouted.
"No. We need to get to the Operation Delta hub as fast as possible and consult with colleagues," Ben decisively stated.

As they sped through the streets and out into the countryside, they witnessed many scenes of knife fights as crazed people wearing Santa hats tried to stab others.
"Where the hell are they getting the knives from? Is our society so degenerated that this number of people carry them? I mean I can envisage it being like that on your council estate but not everywhere," Ben said. They arrived at the new Operation Delta Hub in Cambridge, a converted former office which Ben had bought from the council who were selling off their assets to keep the council tax down. They were met by a worried looking Paul Farraday:
"Ben you need to see what is happening now on the news." They rushed inside the hub and stared at the plasma screen tv in the reception area. All channels were now broadcasting images of violence happening in major cities and towns all over the world. In every scene the perpetrators were wearing Santa hats.
" I suspect that there is no coincidence that they are all wearing those hats. We need to find out how they invoke violence. Also what is behind this unnatural darkness", Ben stated. He took out a lunchbox from his bag:
"I think its time for a mince pie to calm my nerves. I made the mincemeat myself as I can't abide those cheaply made shop bought mince pies. They key to an effective mince pie is getting the amount of suet right. Everybody, please try one."
Ben passed the lunchbox around and Paul, Kyle, Corinne Shaw and the receptionist lady all took one.
"This is delicious Ben," Paul commented. As he spoke, Corinne handed Ben a report:
"I agree with Paul, wonderful cooking Ben. Anyway, this is a report from Keith Smith. He says that he has used Torchwood technology to identify the Santa hats as mind control devices operated by signals emanating from one single source, namely a space vehicle currently situated in Rendelsham Forest."
Ben was concerned:
"Rendelsham Forest has been the site of rumored alien activity for years. I think we need to put an action team together and go straight there. In some ways this is fortunate as it gives me the excuse I need to avoid spending the whole of my Christmas with my parents. Lets get moving."

...... to be continued.

Monday, 27 October 2014

"Whistle and I'll Slaughter You" : Part 2

OK people, here is part two of this spooky Halloween adventure for Ben:

Part 2

Concerned for Fabian, Ben dressed quickly, put the whistle in his pocket and went downstairs. He found a fortysomething man behind the bar, wiping glasses.
"Excuse me. There is a dead bird in my room. Also I'd like to know if you saw my friend leave," Ben stated.
"Ah you must be Mr Chatham. The wife said you were here. What friend wqould you be talking about? The wife said you were on your own."
Ben looked puzzled:
"But she saw my friend Fabian arrive with me. He was wearing his railway guard uniform and looked captivating in it. And what about the dead raven in my room? When I book into a public house or hotel I do not expect to be greeted by the sight of dead birds when I wake up."
The landlord's frosty wife emerged from the side door as Ben spoke:
"You were alone when you arrived here Mr Chatham. And birds get down the chimney all the time round here. You're in the countryside," she said coldly.
"What with a stick through their heart? And you saw Fabian, you know you did," Ben shouted, flicking his hair out of his eyes defiantly.
"You were alone Mr Chatham. Dora here will remove the bird from your room. Now would you like some breakfast. We have apple and cinnamon pie served with our home
brewed ale".
Ben felt a real sense of unease and reluctantly ate the breakfast before going back up to his room. He then p;icked up his rucksack, had a quick look at the road map before setting off to walk to the archaeological dig site. As he walked along the Somerset lanes he took deep breaths of the sweet autumnal air and tried to forget the mystery over Fabian. He decided that the landlord's wife must have been drinking at her own bar and that Fabian had only been after a one-night stand. "His Loss", Ben told himself.
As he walked along, Ben took out the whistle, gave it a wipe with his handkerchief and began to play it. A strange, etherial sound emenated from the whistle like the sound of a long-distant, otherworldly flute. Ben smiled.

After a while, Ben seemed to sense that someone was following behind him. He glanced around and saw a figure, dressed in black, a fair way behind. Ben stopped walkiing amnd the figure stopped as well. When Ben started walking again, so did the mysterious figure. Glancing around again, he saw the figure hold up a large knife. Ben was disconcerted and felt a strange sense of deep dread. He began to run and the figure started running too. Fortunately it was not far to the iron age dig site so Ben ran rapidly down the lane and turned a corner however he was shocked to see that the field where the dig was taking place was deserted. He saw the remains of the iron age hillfort, topped with a row of eerie old oak trees, however there were no signs that any dig was taking place there. Ben looked behind him, however the figure in black had disappeared. A strange, creeping fear enveloped Ben and he jumped over a stile and ran up the slope of the ancient hillfort, however there was no one to be seen at all. Suddenly he felt a shiver and he turned around. He was shocked to see the landlord from the pub, his wife Dora and a group of other people. They were dressed in dark robes and carried knives.
"Welcome Ben Chatham. You have come of your own free will to the appointed place. My name is Maxwell Aston. The game is over." Ben thought for a moment.
"I have heard of a Maxwell Aston. An author of occult novels of a rather lowbrow pulp fiction type. I read one and thought is was complete drivel. I presume you are he", Ben stated in a bemused tone. Aston scowled:
"Your insolence is borne of ignorance Mr Chatham. You came here hoping to search for ancient artefacts. But it is we who have found you. You uniquely are the one we needed. A child would have been ok. One of the tourists who come to this place even better. But not nearly as effective as someone who has travelled in time and space."
Ben flicked his hair out of his eyes:
"What do you mean? How do you know about my travels with the Doctor?"
Aston pointed to to a figure who had appeared in the distance. It was the figure who had followed Ben earlier:
"You have summoned the great one by playing the sacred whistle. He comes for you: All Hail Asfaroth, Lord of darkness, great god of the underworld!"
The figure stepped forward and removed its hood. The creature had the features of a goat combined with those of a crocodile, with an elongated face and huge teeth. Ben winced at the sight:
"I feel that you are a group of crazed and deluded fools of limited cognitive abilities. That is clearly some kind of alien and is certainly no god. Think what you are doing. Think!"

Two of the men grabbed Ben and a golden knife was held to his chest:
"You will be sacrificed to Asfaroth. He will feed on your soul and renew our crops," Aston shouted. He ripped open Ben's white shirt to reveal his perfectly smooth and muscular chest. However before he could plunge the knife into Ben, the sound of gunfire erupted all around. UNIT troops surrounded the crazed occultists and Aston was shot dead. Asfaroth opened his mouth and breathed a strange, red gas at some UNIT troops who collapsed choking to death. However from behind their ranks, dressed in a black, leather skin-tight uniform and combat boots, stepped Katie Ryan. She shot at the creature with a strange alien looking gun and it froze, encased in an ice sheet covering. She strode forward:
"We clearly arrived just in time. After you left, we were contacted by UNIT, warning us that they had been investigating alien sightings and a UFO in this area. Clearly this creature here has landed some time ago, possibly its ship ran out of fuel or something" Katie said with a feisty toss of her hair.

Later, Ben and Katie were enjoying a drink in the pub and discussing the case. One of the locals, Sam, was acting as temporary new landlord and dishing out free drinks to everyone.
"So there was nothing supernatural going on here at all Ben, just some alien who fed on the life essence of other creatures conning a bunch of dimwit yokels into providing him with sacrificial victims ie food" Katie said, sipping her martini. Ben looked up sadly:
"But what about Fabian? Did they kidnap him first? Or kill him?" Sam, listening behind the bar, overheard:
"Ere did you mention someone called Fabian? We had a Fabian lived 'ere in the village. Young chap he were, nice looking fella with dark hair. He worked for the railway company serving drinks and refreshments on the trains. Bit of a fantasist he was, always dreaming of owning a sports car. Bit of a lonely young chap though. He kept getting depressed and ended up throwing himself off the bridge into the path of the train to Winchester. Aye it were a sad business."
Ben suddenly felt very cold. He gulped down his glass of absinthe and stared at the halloween pumpkin, flickering on the bar.


"Whistle and I'll Slaughter You": The 2014 Ben Chatham Halloween Special Part 1


The last days of October, when the darkness of night drapes the sky like a shroud and the crisp air grows sweet with the aroma of fallen leaves. Magic and mystery abound, the shadow realm beckons and the veil that separates the world of the living from the world of the dead grows thin. The great wheel of the year has completed its cycle and the time of endings and beginnings has arrived. This is Halloween.

The train rolled swiftly through the countryside of southern England as Ben Chatham sat gazing languidly out of the window of the first class compartment. The Autumn leaves glowed yellow and orange in the sunshine and Ben reached up and opened the window slightly, allowing some of the fresh, cold autumnal air to flow in. He couldn't face the hassle of driving and was pleased he had taken the train instead. He felt relieved to be getting away from Cambridge for a while and from the continuing stress and pressure of running an organisation such as Operation Delta. Katie Ryan had offered to accompany him on this trip to Somerset however she had changed her mind due to being asked to spend the weekend canvassing in Cambridge for UKIP. Ben didn't mind, he was pleased to get away from her and to get away from everyone. He sank back into his seat and thought of his upcoming divorce from Emma and the stress of dealing with the financial implications and also with his parents. He felt trapped in a  dull, routine-filled life in which lurching from one crisis to another provided the only variation from the drudgery of work and loneliness. A sudden burst of frustration caused him to slam his hand down on the table hard, causing his coffee cup to spill over. An elderly lady in the seat opposite frowned annoyingly at Ben, who secretly wished that she would suffer a heart attack and die. As he tried to mop up the coffee with a tissue, the train guard approached:
"Its ok sir, I've got a cloth here. I saw your accident. I'll replace the coffee with a fresh cup."
The guard was young, around twenty, with dark hair and Greek looks. Ben had enjoyed looking at him earlier as he had brought the first coffee and had watched his smooth buttocks as he had flounced down the carriage with the tea tray.
"Thanks for helping me. What is your name?" Ben asked.
"Fabian", the young guard replied, blushing.
"Why don't you take a break, Fabian and join me for a coffee."
Ben felt a pang of excitement as Fabian brought the coffees and joined him.
They sat talking and Ben soon discovered that Fabian lived in the same village as Ben was heading to, Lower Binningfield.
"I've been invited to see the iron age burial site excavation site and give a lecture to the archaeologist team on hill forts and the religion and rituals opf their inhabitants", Ben explained.
"Hey my car is at the station, I could give you a lift to the village if you like. Where are you staying?" Fabian asked.
"At the Green Man Inn", Ben replied, smiling as Fabian stroked his hair.

Arriving at the station, Ben and Fabian got into Fabian's open top sports car and drove through the fading evening light towards the village. Ben let the cold air blow through his golden hair:
"You know, I wish I could just walk away from my life and stay here. Never go back. Say goodbye to all the boring life and dreary familiar people that are holding my back, like my father and insufferable wife."
"You are married?" Fabian asked. Ben smiled:
"Don't worry. It was a marriage of inconvenience that will soon be over." They laughed.
They arrived at the Green Man and Fabian carried Ben's suitcase in for him . The bar was deserted, apart from a stern looking landlady with a beehive hairdo.
"I'm Ben Chatham. I'm booked in for three nights here." The landlady scowled and threw a key across the bar:
"Upstairs, second room on the right", she stated tersely.
"Could you bring us up a bottle of your finest red wine please and two glasses," Ben asked her.
"No drink in the rooms. Drink here in the bar or go elsewhere", the landlady replied.
Ben was bemused however he and Fabian went upstairs to the room:
"What an icy female. No wonder the bar was empty," Ben exclaimed as they entered the room and Ben threw himself on the bed.

Ben spent the night with Fabian and fell into a deep sleep. When he awoke he could see the light shining through the curtains and reached over to the side table for his watch. As he did so his hand felt something else and he lept up in horrified shock. It was a dead raven with a sprig of woodbine through its heart. Ben turned around to wake Fabian, however the latter was gone. On Fabian's pillow was an old wooden whistle, covered in dried mud. Ben picked the object up and examined it. It was very old and had Celtic inscriptions down the side which were partly worn away......

to be continued.

Tuesday, 29 July 2014

"A Rose For Miss Farnley" Act 1 Scene 2

[B]Scene 2[/B]

[I]The Waterman Wine Bar. Amelia is out with Cresselda Markham and her husband Alex. She is upset.[/I]

[B]Amelia:[/B]*Head in hands* My life is in a complete rut Cress. I don't think I can take another week in that bank, all those ghastly plebians shouting at me through the glass because they've run themselves into debt and the dreary people I have to work with. Its too much. I want more out of life.

[B]Cresselda:[/B]Hey that's like so so sad Am. You should marry a rich man like my Alex *squeezes Alex's hand*.

[B]Amelia:[/B]Yeah right. But where are they Cress? Where are all the decent guys? You know earlier tonight I had that nerd Joe from the bank come round trying to take me out.

[B]Cresselda:[/B]Euuggh poor you. What kind of self-respecting girl would go out with [I]that[/I]. I'm glad I found Alex *strokes Alex's face*. He's excellent in bed and more importantly rich. He's brilliant at football and coaches the junior team.

[B]Amelia:[/B]I bet you know how to make a woman feel special don't you Alex.


[B]Amelia:[/B] Has he bought you anything recently Cress?

[B]Cresselda:[/B]*stroking Alex's knee* Yes, here look *shows Amelia her new gold watch*.

[B]Amelia:[/B]Thats utterly beautiful. I feel bereft. I'm lost in a world of mundanity where I'm taken for granted and tossed about by life. I may die. Or have a valium.

[I]Miles Ashfordly enters and goes up to the bar. He is a young man of around 21 and dressed in expensive casual clothes.[/I]

[B]Cresselda:[/B]*Nudges Amelia who spills some her drink* .Now what about that? He's like gorgeous. I wouldn't mind him giving me a night of passion. Get in there Am. Ask him how much money he has.

[B]Amelia:[/B]I don't dare approach him. I feel like a kitten in these situations.

[B]Cresselda:[/B]OK, watch the expert Am, watch the expert.

[I]Cresselda put down her drink, gets up and goes to the bar. In the distance she immediately strikes up a conversation with Miles and fondles his hair.[/I]

[B]Amelia:[/B]She's certainly got the gift of confidence hasn't she Alex?


[I]Cresselda leads Miles back to their table.[/I]

[B]Cresselda:[/B]Miles I'd like you to meet my husband Alex and my best friend Amelia. Alex runs a highly successful computer software business and Amelia is stuck in a dead end job at the bank.

[B]Miles:[/B]Hi everyone.

[B]Amelia:[/B]Hi Miles.


[B]Cresselda:[/B]Miles has been telling me all about his family's investments and how he is independently wealthy. *To Miles* Here go and sit next to Amelia. She's desperate for a guy. I know she's not as attractive as myself but she's still a bit of a looker and she'd do anything you want given how desperate she is.

[B]Miles:[/B]Hi Amelia. You ok babe or can I get you another drink?

[B]Amelia: [/B] Hi Miles. I'll have a vodka and soda, with ice.

[I]Miles goes to the bar to fetch the drink. He plucks an ornamental  pink rose out of a flower display near the bar[/I]

[B]Cresselda:[/B]He has a lovely bottom Am. Wouldn't mind getting my hands on that. But Alex might get jealous.


[I]Miles returns with the drink and the rose[/I]

[B]Miles:[/B]Hey babe, I got this for you.

[B]Amelia:[/B]Oh Miles that's so sweet of you. Ravish me later.

[B]Miles:[/B]Cool babe, I'd love to.

[B]Amelia:[/B]Can I just ask about your income. What would you say your monthy income is once you take the overheads out.

[B]Miles:[/B]You mean net babe?


[B]Miles:[/B]Oh I'd say around £10,000.

[B]Cresselda:[/B]£10,000? That's more than Alex brings in. You must be lying.

[B]Miles:[/B]*laughs* Hey babe its no lie. My parents made a fortune investing in Eastern Europe after the wall came down. None of us have to work.

[I]Cresselda gets up and sits herself down in between Amelia and Miles. She strokes Miles' leg.[/I]

[B]Cresselda:[/B]Hey Miles, how about we go to a club together after we've finished these drinks.

[B]Miles:[/B]But Amelia...

[B]Cresselda:[/B]Oh you don't want to worry about Am. She likes sitting here and thinking about what a dreary failure her life is as it reinforces her sense of identity.

[B]Amelia:[/B]*Distressed* But he's my date Cress.

[B]Cresselda:[/B]Don't be so possessive Am. It simply reinforces in people's minds that you are desperate and does your image no credit.

[B]Amelia:[/B]What about Alex?

[B]Cresselda:[/B]He can go home and watch the football. If I play my cards right tonight they'll be a divorce then you can have him.


Monday, 28 July 2014

"A Rose For Miss Farnley": A Play For the Theatre

OK, here is a play for the theatre.

[B][U]The Main Characters:[/U][/B]

Miss Amelia Farnley: A 21 year old unmarried bank assistant who dreams of a better life.

Cresselda Markham : Amelia's wealthy schoolfriend.

Alex Markham: Cresselda's husband, a successful businessman.

Don Farnley: Amelia's father, a retired brewer.

Sarah Farnley: Amelia's mother, an alcoholic stamp collector with violent tendencies.

Rupert Farnley: Amelia's 19 year old brother.

Joe Hanning: A young bank clerk who is in love with Amelia.

Rob 'the Knob' Torregan: A young roofer who is also in love with Amelia.

Hubert Slurriman: A farmer in his sixties who is also in love with Amelia.

Miles Ashfordly : A wealthy young socialite in love with Amelia.


[B]Scene One: The Farnley House[/B]

[I]The interior of an average middle class house in suburbia. The decor is modern and well furnished, although with a strong impression of IKEA vulgarity. Don Farnley is reading the Times newspaper while his wife is watching an antiques programme on daytime TV. [/I]

[B]Don Farnley:[/B] Can't you turn that damn thing off. You're not watching it.

[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]*shaking her head and wiping a tear* Is it any wonder I have to take solace in the television. Married to an insufferable bore like yourself all these years.

[B]Don Farnley:[/B] Oh change the bloody record. Amelia will be home in a bit. At least she inherited my discipline and get up and go.

[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]*pouring a vodka* Those are Sansom traits not Farnley traits. She gets those from my family. If she had a surfeit of your genes she'd be walking the streets.

[B]Don Farnley:[/B]What are you on about?

[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]Sex mad your family. All of them sex mad. Like your mother and all those sailors *knocks back vodka*.

[B]Don Farnley:[/B]How dare you. My mother worked hard all her life.

[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]Yes, on her back. How your father put up with it I've no idea. They say he always had an itchy groin as well.

[B]Don Farnley:[/B]What a crude and disgusting woman you are. I worked hard creating a successful business for you. I gave you a nice home.

[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]Yes paid for with my money. You had no idea how to run a business. Daddy had to bail you out time and time again.

[B]Don Farnley:[/B]Yeah whatever.

[I]The front door opens and shuts and in walks Amelia. She is in tears and flings herself onto the sofa.[/I]

[B]Amelia:[/B] I can't stand that wretched bank any longer. I just can't. I've been shouted at all day and one woman called me a pasty faced little whore because her card had been swallowed by the cash machine. Its all too much. I may die. Bye.

[I]Don rushes to his daughter and embraces her[/I]

[B]Don Farnley:[/B]There there my princess. Its ok. Daddy's here.

[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]*Knocking back another vodka* Oh pass me the sick bucket. Put her down for Christ's sake. Amelia, pull yourself together, you're overdoing it dear.

[B]Amelia:[/B]*Suddenly sitting up*. Do you think so mummy. OK, deep breath, fine now. Whats for tea.

[B]Don Farnley:[/B]Your mother's foul shepherd's pie that tastes like she's used the dog's faeces in it.

[I]The dog, Dionysus, wags his tail and gives a little bark[/I]


[B]Don Farnley: [/B]Shut up.

[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]That's right, take it out on a harmless creature. Pig.

[B]Amelia:[/B]Oh daddy, I'm sure mummy hasn't put Dionysus' poo poo in the shepherd's pie. It would make it go gooey.

[I]The doorbell rings. Sarah gets up, knocking over a glass of vodka, belches and goes to the door (off set) She opens it and lets someone in then returns.[/I]

[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]Amelia, there is a young man to see you. Weedy looking specimen.

[I]Joe Hanning walks in. He is a bespectacled youth with a nervous twitch.[/I]

[B]Joe:[/B]Hi Amelia. I followed you home from the bank as I've become rather obsessed with you. I wondered if you would like to go out with me later to a wine bar or to the chamber music recital at the arts centre. Afterwards I could make love to you. I've brought you a rose.

[I]Joe hands Amelia a red rose.[/I]

[B]Amelia:[/B]Oh Joe. I'm touched, really touched. However I can't get past the fact that you look like a creepy nerd and have no personality.

[B]Joe:[/B]But we get on ok don't we? As colleagues at the bank? I really like you Amelia.

[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]Take a hint boy and piss off. You aren't rich enough for Amelia. She has ambitions.

[B]Amelia:[/B]I have ambitions. I want to lie on the back of a luxury yacht with the sun on my face and millions in the bank...

[B]Joe:[/B]But I'm just a bank clerk.

[B]Don Farnley:[/B]Exactly lad. I'd give up if I were you.

[B]Joe:[/B]OK. Back out into the wilderness I go. But I will win you Amelia.Someday, somewhere there is a place for us.

[I]Joe exits. Don gets up and strokes his forehead.[/I]

[B]Don Farnley:[/B]Are you quite sure that he doesn't have money in  his family? I mean he may have an inheritance due one day from his parents.

[B]Amelia:[/B]He doesn't. They bank at our branch and I took a look at their balance when I first saw him looking at me goggle-eyed. They're mortgaged to the hilt and have a couple of grand savings that's all. I have dreams. I want more.

[B]Don Farnley:[/B]Fair enough. Lets have that foul shepherd's pie before the cack goes cold.