Sunday, 31 May 2009

So: Diversity beat Susan Boyle

I did watch this as there was nothing else on . I thought the winners were awful, a pointless 'urban dance act' *yuk* who I wouldn't pay 5p to see. Obviously Susan Boyle should have won; the idea of someone who looks like a bag lady having the voice of an angel is an obvious winner.

A Ben Chatham Summer Special: "THE CREEPING SAND"

OK, here is a one off, one episode story to preceed 'Caves of Oblivion".


It is a warm, sultry summer afternoon. Ben Chatham is sitting on the beach alone in his thoughts. It has been two days since he bid farewell to the Doctor after returning in the TARDIS from the 15th century alone. He slowly massages more sun tan oil into his smooth and shapely legs, letting the sunlight glisten on his perfectly formed limbs.As he closes his eyes and sinks into a whirlpool of melancholy he hears a group of people approaching. Looking up, he sees Katie, Kyle and Jake and gives a groan:
"What are you lot doing here? I said I wanted time on my own".
"Ere don't be like that Ben. We thought you could use some company" Kyle replies.
"Well you thought wrong", Ben replies, putting on his exclusive £800 sunglasses. Katie opens up a hamper and starts laying out some food: strawberries and cream, champagne and cucumber sandwiches. She looks at Ben:
"Still sulking about Nathaniel I see. Look he told you straight that he needed to stay behind in the 15th century to provide for his mother and younger siblings. Get over it."
"Oh shut up Katie" Ben replies, massaging more oil onto his arms. Jake meanwhile has rolled a cigarette on his guitar and stares out to sea:
"Its like the sea is kissing the earth mother. Far out man, far out."
"Oh dear God, you do talk some ****e" Katie exclaims.
"Hey its true. Just look at the water and loosen your mind. Let the shimmering of the light on the waves enter your uptight soul and set it free" Jake replies. Katie laughs scornfully:
"Get your hair cut" she shouts.Ben is irritated:
"Look, the last thing I need right now is you lot bickering around me. I've been let down and I need time to myself".

Kyle picks up a dish of strawberries and takes them to Ben:
"Oh cam on Ben, we're just worried about you thats all."Kyle is wearing beach shorts and Ben is struck by how attractive his friend looks He smiles for the first time in two days:
"You look far better without those awful clothes you normally wear."
Suddenly there is a scream from way down the beach. They look around and see a group of people disappearing underneith a wall of sand. It is as if the sand has taken on a life of its own and eaten them alive. Ben is concerned:
"What the hell? Some alien force or energy life-form is alive within the sand. We need to get out of here sharpish."They all leap up, knocking over the champagne and scramble up the beach, however Kyle gives a shout
"Ere guys, 'ang on. Look!"They look around to see...........

........... a film crew approaching as several stuntmen are dug out of the sand. One of them shouts out:
"Excuse me, would you mind moving. You're getting in the background. We're filming scenes for a new Sci-fi series: "Earthwatch". Ben is annoyed:
"Thats it. You lot can do what you want, but I'm off to the Mermaid".


The June 4th Elections

This provides an excellent opportunity to chip a large hole in the wall that the three main parties have built, keeping smaller parties out of the political process in the UK. What we really need is PR in General Elections in this country so that all votes count, not just some.
Its important to keep the BNP out and I think that this election could finish them if enough people vote UKIP or Green. If the BNP can't pick up seats in the current context then they never will and their party coffers must be running low after all the money they've spent on campaign leaflets and so on. Nazism has no place in Britain.

Karen Gillan cast as the new Doctor Who companion

A massive mistake this. Not only is she too young but she's a complete unknown ( I couldn't even find a decent picture of her on the net). They should have asked Catherine Tate to stay on for another season or brought Caroline Quentin in.

The new Bob Dylan album "Together Through Life"

Oh dear. I can't get into this thing at all. The lyrics are often dreadfully corny and the whole thing is an incredibly dull listen. The accordion which permeates all of the songs is about the only good thing about the geriatric blues music. 'Life is Hard' & 'My Wife's Hometown' are among the worst songs I've ever heard him do, which says a lot considering that this is the man who made such duff albums as 'Nashville Skyline', 'Saved' & 'Knocked out Loaded'.
I imagine he'll knock out a couple more albums like this before calling it a day.

"The British public are barbarians" says Jeremy Paxman

According to Newsnight presenter Paxman, the British are barbarians as they prefer to spend their time watching tv than appreciating art and visiting galleries. I half agree with him in the sense that much of modern tv is reality rubbish and its getting worse. However he completely ignores the fact that the blame for this lies in the liberal commercialisation of television since the mid-90s and also with the art establishment who have clearly failed to make art galleries interesting to a wide spectrum of people.
I've met people of Paxman's mindset & can guarantee that they don't really care about education or art but rather about using their often limited cultural knowledge to belittle others and attach to themselves a sense of status. Very lower middle class.

Sunday, 17 May 2009


OK folks its here: the final gripping part of this popular Doctor Who adventure :


Henry is about to press the red button when a door bursts open. Ben and his team rush in waving swords borrowed from the Hampton Court armoury display. Kyle lobs a stone at the King which hits him on the head, knocking him off the throne. The guards rush at them and a swordfight ensues with Ben and Kyle taking the lead:
"Its a good job I had fencing lessons as a youth" Ben exclaims, running through a rough looking guard while Kyle wrongfoots one and bashes him on the head with a flagon of ale:
"This is great innit". Meanwhile, Anselm hands his sword to the Doctor:
"I am not experienced with this mode of combat"
"No worries *grinning* I am" the Doctor replies, lunging at a guard. Henry revives and tries to grab the remote, however Martha sees this and stamps on his hand while Katie kicks him in the teeth:
"Get away from that you beardy old lech". Barry Tuck tries to help Henry:
"Hey love, thats my boss...... ahhhhhr", falling back as Katie punches him:
"And you can shut it you sexist slug". Jake borrows the lute-player's instrument and plays "Ripple" by the Grateful Dead while chewing a piece of flapjack.

Meanwhile the Doctor & Ben have found a large control panel by a far wall:
"Ha! if I push this button here and pull that lever there it should reverse the Time journey and send this lot back to their proper age" the Doctor exclaims. Henry hears this and shouts:
"No no, please. I am King Henry VIII, Supreme head of the church in England. I command you to stop." The Doctor smiles:
"And I'm the Doctor, supreme head of.... of... oh who cares". The Doctor pulls the lever & pushes the button and Henry and his men dissolve and vanish back to their own time.

Later, the Doctor & Martha are on the planet Solanta 3 speaking to Grand Professor Zantra , a tall, green reptillian dressed in formal robes:
"I am truely grateful that you have agreed to take on Tremath and Astellata and educate them to your highest standards" the Doctor states."We are pleased that you are familiar with our reputation as the leading planet of educational learning in the galaxy" the Professor replies.
"Oh yes. And your reputation for the firmest discipline" Martha adds.
"Oh yes. Here we have no interactive Krypton boards or group activities and other dumbed down approaches. Just good traditional methods *the Professor waves his cane and twiddles with the thumbscrews*. Tremath and Astellata gulp.

Meanwhile, Ben and his team are enjoying a drink in the Mermaid Wine Bar and discussing recent events. Ben is very withdrawn and stares at his glass of wine before gulping it down.
"Hey, are you okay Ben?" Kyle asks. Ben is irritated:
"Obviously I'm not ok Kyle. The Doctor acted so quickly I had no time to get him to stop and work out how to send the others back and not Nathaniel. I'm not sure that I can forgive him."
"The Doc did say that there was no other way, it was all or none like".
"Oh just shut it Kyle, you're not helping" *gulps another drink*. Tears fill Ben's eyes and he buries his head in his hands on the table.Meanwhile, Barry Tuck arrives with a tray of drinks, sporting a black eye.
"Here's your ****ing drinks. Get em down your necks. Anyway *pointing at eye* this **** reminds me of a gag, what do you say to a woman with two black eyes?"
"Like what man?" Jake replies:
"Nothing, you've already told her twice"Katie leaps up and lamps him in the good eye:
"Well now you've got two black eyes yourself Tuck" *pours drink over him as he falls to the floor*.


Friday, 15 May 2009


Anyway folks, here is the much anticipated next part of this major adventure:


Tremath points the gun at the Doctor's head but resists shooting it. He grins:
"No, I won't kill him. I have a better idea."He calls over two of the Tudor guardsmen and they escort the Doctor to the cell where Katie and Martha are being kept. The guards fling the Doctor in and the children stride in after. Tremath points his gun at Martha:
"Now, you will give us the key to your TARDIS and a list of similar planets to this to have fun with or I kill this female human." His sister giggles.Katie scowls:
"Look you rancid little tyke, I've a good mind to give you a clip round the ear."
"You call my brother names again and we'll kill you" Astellata moans.
"Shut it you cross-eyed little trog" Katie spits out.Astellata grabs the gun from Tremath:
"Right, I'm shooting that one now". However as she grabs it, Martha dives for it, while Katie gets hold of Tremath and pulls his arm behind his back.
"Stop them" Tremath shouts to the Tudor guards, however they stand completely motionless and let the children be overpowered. A familiar figure then appears in the doorway: Henry VIII together with the Duke of Norfolk.
"Thank you fine ladies. You've saved us the task of turning the tables on these urchins. We have mastered how to use the machine which will wipe out enough people to allow us to subjugate the rest and no longer need help. You will be held here until your beheadings."
"Look, why don't you just return to your own time? The Doctor will take you back" Martha exclaims. Henry grins and gives her buttocks a quick feel. Martha slaps him:
"Such spirit in a wench is most amusing. However I don't want to go back to the 16th century when I can be master of this one. Now I must return to a filly of a different kind." Henry licks his lips and thinks of Ben.

Meanwhile, Ben & Nathaniel have escaped from the coal house via a shute used to shovel the coal in from outside. Emerging into the light, they find themselves outside the main wall and see Kyle and the others arriving in the car. Ben strides towards them:
"There is no time to lose. We must plan our assault on the palace. Two alien children have brought Henry VIII back from the past and he plans to return himself to the throne".
"Far out man!" Jake comments, chewing on a piece of flapjack.Ben pulls Nathaniel close and strokes his hair:
"This is Nathaniel." Anselm scowls angrily:
"So you've wasted time chasing guys instead of solving this Ben. One is disgusted."
"Don't speak to me like that. You cheated on me when we were in a relationship. You're a serial liar."
"That is completely unfair Ben. I told you everything, that it was a one off and a mistake. I promised I'd never see Simon again as I loved you. But you were so horrible to me. You drove me to Simon. I still want you". Ben scowls:
"Nathaniel is better in bed" Ben replies.

Back in the palace, King Henry is enjoying a banquet and has invited the Doctor & the girls to join him, hancuffed and guarded. Henry stuffs his face with chicken legs, pork crackling, beef, lard and a hunk of venison while a lute-player plays 'Greensleeves'. Lifting a goblet of wine, he grins:
"Now for the entertainment. I have found a new jester!"A door opens and in walks..............

............. Barry Tuck(played by Johnny Vegas) dressed as a court jester:
"Right you bunch of ****s, here we are again *noticing Katie* Hey its you again love. Hows about sitting on my face and wriggling?"Henry roars with laughter. Katie scowls at Tuck:
"Don't be like that love. Its like they say, one up the bum, no harm done."The Doctor protests loudly at Tuck's sexist humour however Henry roars with laughter so much that his face turns beetroot red:
"Tis good Master Tuck, tis good. However now for the hilight of the banquet. Bring me the royal remote."Tuck brings Henry a remote control device. He grins:
"All I have to do is press this red button and the planet waves will envelope the planet and wipe out a third of the population"...........

............ to be continued.

The MPs Expenses Scandal

What a load of fuss about very little. Obviously some of them have been out of order with this house flipping business for example however do we really want politics to become a rich person's vocation only? There are far worse things that go on, such as local councils taking backhanders to approve planning applications and policy being made to secure directorships of large corporations. Yet the media rarely report these.

DVD Recommendation: "Surveillance"

I'd thoroughly recommend this film. Its about a teacher who discovers that the heir to the throne is gay after sleeping with his ex-boyfriend who gets bumped off by MI5. Excellent stuff.

Wednesday, 6 May 2009

Book recommendation : "Sovereign" CJ Sansom

CJ Sansom's historical mystery novels set in Tudor England are superb and really bring the period to life. This one is set in 1541 where Matthew Shardlake, the hunchback lawyer, investigates the mysterious murder of a stained-glass window fitter in York and uncovers secrets that threaten Henry VIII's position as King. Brilliant stuff.

Bring back Beep the Meep!

Its high time that Beep returned to Doctor Who, this time in a New Series episode. The most underrated Doctor Who enemy ever.

Sunday, 3 May 2009


OK, here is the next part of this innovative historical/sci-fi hybrid story:


In Ben's cell, King Henry grins with delight as Ben puts on the clothes :
"God's teeth, you tempt me young Ben, you tempt me...."Henry runs his hand up Ben's leg, caressing his smoothe inner thigh. Suddenly the door bursts open and Nathaniel rushes in.
"How dare you interrupt me churl! There'd better be a good reason or your head will be off within the hour" Henry shouts.
"Sire, sire, we are under attack Our allies need to see you immediately in their ante-chamber" Nathaniel answers.
"Gods death! This will have to wait. *winks at Ben* I'll be back as soon as I can."Henry lumbers out and Nathaniel rushes over:
"Quick, we have to try and hide. I lied to the King, however I could not bear the thought of his debauched hands on you."Ben changes quickly into his real clothes:
"I will be enternally grateful that you saved me from a good rogering by Henry VIII."
He pulls a packet of Fox's Glacier Mints from his pocket and has one to calm his nerves. He offers one to Nathaniel:
"What is this strange tablet?"
"Fox's Glacier Mints are the finest sweets of our time Nathaniel".
Nathaniel puts the mint in his mouth and a strange calmness overwhelms him. The walls seem to be awash with a kaleidoscope of swirling colours
Truely this is a strange taste. However we must hide Ben."
They rush out and through the winding underground passages:
"Actually, there is real help on the way Nathaniel. I've texted my organisation Operation Delta" Ben states, as they hide in the coal room.

Meanwhile, Kyle is driving to Hampton Court in Ben's car, accompanied by Shakey Jake and Anselm.
"I still don't understand why we cannot simply contact the proper authorities. We require UNIT support on this. This is most undiscerning" Anselm states.
"Ben insisted we didn't do that like. 'e sounded real strange on the phone, 'e was sayin' 'enry VIII had 'im an the Doctor in cells an that if UNIT tried to storm the place they could be killed. Weird innit" Kyle replies.
"Hey man, this should be a real groovy trip. Like far out!" Jake states, lighting up in the car.
"Do you really have to smoke in here? I dislike it" Anselm complains.
"Hey chill man chill."
"One does not need to put up with this. However one wants to make it clear to Ben that I will not be pushed out of this organisation just because he cannot accept that I am with Simon now."
"Hey man, no one is pushing you out man. Have a drag of this *offers roll up to Anselm*"
"I don't want the filthy thing you scruffy hippie" Anselm shouts. Kyle intervenes:
"Ere look, will you two stop bickerin'. Ben may be in real danger and us fightin' won't help."

Back in the ante-chamber under Hampton Court, the Doctor is trying to reason with the children when Henry VIII rushes in:
"God's teeth, pray tell me about this attack we face. I'll get my army armoured up and we'll engage the traitors!"Tremath looks puzzled:
"We are not under attack. You have been misinformed human King".Henry is furious:
"Whaaaat? Twas that lying churl! I'll have his head for this!"The children laugh,
"Ha ha, you truely are an amusing human huffing and ranting. We find you endlessly entertaining" Tremath says.Henry is about to respond but he bites his tongue and storms out. As he leaves he spots one of his leading courtiers the Duke of Norfolk:
"I promise you Norfolk, as soon as we have control of the realm and no longer need the help of those mocking urchins, they are going to die the same way as my two unfortunate uncles did in the Tower of London."
Meanwhile the Doctor is trying again to plead with the children:
"Look I can help you . Your minds are traumatised, however I can use the TARDIS and its restorative energy."Tremath grins:
"We need no help from you grown up. Grown ups destroyed our world in their war. We want fun. We are superior and will use this stupid planet for games. Then others. You will help us find them."The Doctor frowns:
"I will not help you in any way. That is a cast iron promise."Astellata scowls:
"Kill him Tremath".Tremath pulls out a gun and points it at the Doctor.............

............ to be continued.