Tuesday, 29 July 2014

"A Rose For Miss Farnley" Act 1 Scene 2

[B]Scene 2[/B]

[I]The Waterman Wine Bar. Amelia is out with Cresselda Markham and her husband Alex. She is upset.[/I]

[B]Amelia:[/B]*Head in hands* My life is in a complete rut Cress. I don't think I can take another week in that bank, all those ghastly plebians shouting at me through the glass because they've run themselves into debt and the dreary people I have to work with. Its too much. I want more out of life.

[B]Cresselda:[/B]Hey that's like so so sad Am. You should marry a rich man like my Alex *squeezes Alex's hand*.

[B]Amelia:[/B]Yeah right. But where are they Cress? Where are all the decent guys? You know earlier tonight I had that nerd Joe from the bank come round trying to take me out.

[B]Cresselda:[/B]Euuggh poor you. What kind of self-respecting girl would go out with [I]that[/I]. I'm glad I found Alex *strokes Alex's face*. He's excellent in bed and more importantly rich. He's brilliant at football and coaches the junior team.

[B]Amelia:[/B]I bet you know how to make a woman feel special don't you Alex.


[B]Amelia:[/B] Has he bought you anything recently Cress?

[B]Cresselda:[/B]*stroking Alex's knee* Yes, here look *shows Amelia her new gold watch*.

[B]Amelia:[/B]Thats utterly beautiful. I feel bereft. I'm lost in a world of mundanity where I'm taken for granted and tossed about by life. I may die. Or have a valium.

[I]Miles Ashfordly enters and goes up to the bar. He is a young man of around 21 and dressed in expensive casual clothes.[/I]

[B]Cresselda:[/B]*Nudges Amelia who spills some her drink* .Now what about that? He's like gorgeous. I wouldn't mind him giving me a night of passion. Get in there Am. Ask him how much money he has.

[B]Amelia:[/B]I don't dare approach him. I feel like a kitten in these situations.

[B]Cresselda:[/B]OK, watch the expert Am, watch the expert.

[I]Cresselda put down her drink, gets up and goes to the bar. In the distance she immediately strikes up a conversation with Miles and fondles his hair.[/I]

[B]Amelia:[/B]She's certainly got the gift of confidence hasn't she Alex?


[I]Cresselda leads Miles back to their table.[/I]

[B]Cresselda:[/B]Miles I'd like you to meet my husband Alex and my best friend Amelia. Alex runs a highly successful computer software business and Amelia is stuck in a dead end job at the bank.

[B]Miles:[/B]Hi everyone.

[B]Amelia:[/B]Hi Miles.


[B]Cresselda:[/B]Miles has been telling me all about his family's investments and how he is independently wealthy. *To Miles* Here go and sit next to Amelia. She's desperate for a guy. I know she's not as attractive as myself but she's still a bit of a looker and she'd do anything you want given how desperate she is.

[B]Miles:[/B]Hi Amelia. You ok babe or can I get you another drink?

[B]Amelia: [/B] Hi Miles. I'll have a vodka and soda, with ice.

[I]Miles goes to the bar to fetch the drink. He plucks an ornamental  pink rose out of a flower display near the bar[/I]

[B]Cresselda:[/B]He has a lovely bottom Am. Wouldn't mind getting my hands on that. But Alex might get jealous.


[I]Miles returns with the drink and the rose[/I]

[B]Miles:[/B]Hey babe, I got this for you.

[B]Amelia:[/B]Oh Miles that's so sweet of you. Ravish me later.

[B]Miles:[/B]Cool babe, I'd love to.

[B]Amelia:[/B]Can I just ask about your income. What would you say your monthy income is once you take the overheads out.

[B]Miles:[/B]You mean net babe?


[B]Miles:[/B]Oh I'd say around £10,000.

[B]Cresselda:[/B]£10,000? That's more than Alex brings in. You must be lying.

[B]Miles:[/B]*laughs* Hey babe its no lie. My parents made a fortune investing in Eastern Europe after the wall came down. None of us have to work.

[I]Cresselda gets up and sits herself down in between Amelia and Miles. She strokes Miles' leg.[/I]

[B]Cresselda:[/B]Hey Miles, how about we go to a club together after we've finished these drinks.

[B]Miles:[/B]But Amelia...

[B]Cresselda:[/B]Oh you don't want to worry about Am. She likes sitting here and thinking about what a dreary failure her life is as it reinforces her sense of identity.

[B]Amelia:[/B]*Distressed* But he's my date Cress.

[B]Cresselda:[/B]Don't be so possessive Am. It simply reinforces in people's minds that you are desperate and does your image no credit.

[B]Amelia:[/B]What about Alex?

[B]Cresselda:[/B]He can go home and watch the football. If I play my cards right tonight they'll be a divorce then you can have him.


Monday, 28 July 2014

"A Rose For Miss Farnley": A Play For the Theatre

OK, here is a play for the theatre.

[B][U]The Main Characters:[/U][/B]

Miss Amelia Farnley: A 21 year old unmarried bank assistant who dreams of a better life.

Cresselda Markham : Amelia's wealthy schoolfriend.

Alex Markham: Cresselda's husband, a successful businessman.

Don Farnley: Amelia's father, a retired brewer.

Sarah Farnley: Amelia's mother, an alcoholic stamp collector with violent tendencies.

Rupert Farnley: Amelia's 19 year old brother.

Joe Hanning: A young bank clerk who is in love with Amelia.

Rob 'the Knob' Torregan: A young roofer who is also in love with Amelia.

Hubert Slurriman: A farmer in his sixties who is also in love with Amelia.

Miles Ashfordly : A wealthy young socialite in love with Amelia.


[B]Scene One: The Farnley House[/B]

[I]The interior of an average middle class house in suburbia. The decor is modern and well furnished, although with a strong impression of IKEA vulgarity. Don Farnley is reading the Times newspaper while his wife is watching an antiques programme on daytime TV. [/I]

[B]Don Farnley:[/B] Can't you turn that damn thing off. You're not watching it.

[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]*shaking her head and wiping a tear* Is it any wonder I have to take solace in the television. Married to an insufferable bore like yourself all these years.

[B]Don Farnley:[/B] Oh change the bloody record. Amelia will be home in a bit. At least she inherited my discipline and get up and go.

[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]*pouring a vodka* Those are Sansom traits not Farnley traits. She gets those from my family. If she had a surfeit of your genes she'd be walking the streets.

[B]Don Farnley:[/B]What are you on about?

[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]Sex mad your family. All of them sex mad. Like your mother and all those sailors *knocks back vodka*.

[B]Don Farnley:[/B]How dare you. My mother worked hard all her life.

[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]Yes, on her back. How your father put up with it I've no idea. They say he always had an itchy groin as well.

[B]Don Farnley:[/B]What a crude and disgusting woman you are. I worked hard creating a successful business for you. I gave you a nice home.

[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]Yes paid for with my money. You had no idea how to run a business. Daddy had to bail you out time and time again.

[B]Don Farnley:[/B]Yeah whatever.

[I]The front door opens and shuts and in walks Amelia. She is in tears and flings herself onto the sofa.[/I]

[B]Amelia:[/B] I can't stand that wretched bank any longer. I just can't. I've been shouted at all day and one woman called me a pasty faced little whore because her card had been swallowed by the cash machine. Its all too much. I may die. Bye.

[I]Don rushes to his daughter and embraces her[/I]

[B]Don Farnley:[/B]There there my princess. Its ok. Daddy's here.

[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]*Knocking back another vodka* Oh pass me the sick bucket. Put her down for Christ's sake. Amelia, pull yourself together, you're overdoing it dear.

[B]Amelia:[/B]*Suddenly sitting up*. Do you think so mummy. OK, deep breath, fine now. Whats for tea.

[B]Don Farnley:[/B]Your mother's foul shepherd's pie that tastes like she's used the dog's faeces in it.

[I]The dog, Dionysus, wags his tail and gives a little bark[/I]


[B]Don Farnley: [/B]Shut up.

[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]That's right, take it out on a harmless creature. Pig.

[B]Amelia:[/B]Oh daddy, I'm sure mummy hasn't put Dionysus' poo poo in the shepherd's pie. It would make it go gooey.

[I]The doorbell rings. Sarah gets up, knocking over a glass of vodka, belches and goes to the door (off set) She opens it and lets someone in then returns.[/I]

[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]Amelia, there is a young man to see you. Weedy looking specimen.

[I]Joe Hanning walks in. He is a bespectacled youth with a nervous twitch.[/I]

[B]Joe:[/B]Hi Amelia. I followed you home from the bank as I've become rather obsessed with you. I wondered if you would like to go out with me later to a wine bar or to the chamber music recital at the arts centre. Afterwards I could make love to you. I've brought you a rose.

[I]Joe hands Amelia a red rose.[/I]

[B]Amelia:[/B]Oh Joe. I'm touched, really touched. However I can't get past the fact that you look like a creepy nerd and have no personality.

[B]Joe:[/B]But we get on ok don't we? As colleagues at the bank? I really like you Amelia.

[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]Take a hint boy and piss off. You aren't rich enough for Amelia. She has ambitions.

[B]Amelia:[/B]I have ambitions. I want to lie on the back of a luxury yacht with the sun on my face and millions in the bank...

[B]Joe:[/B]But I'm just a bank clerk.

[B]Don Farnley:[/B]Exactly lad. I'd give up if I were you.

[B]Joe:[/B]OK. Back out into the wilderness I go. But I will win you Amelia.Someday, somewhere there is a place for us.

[I]Joe exits. Don gets up and strokes his forehead.[/I]

[B]Don Farnley:[/B]Are you quite sure that he doesn't have money in  his family? I mean he may have an inheritance due one day from his parents.

[B]Amelia:[/B]He doesn't. They bank at our branch and I took a look at their balance when I first saw him looking at me goggle-eyed. They're mortgaged to the hilt and have a couple of grand savings that's all. I have dreams. I want more.

[B]Don Farnley:[/B]Fair enough. Lets have that foul shepherd's pie before the cack goes cold.

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

LEAKED: Ben Chatham spoilers!

1) At the end of 'The Crystal Skulls of Halsinar', Ben gets divorced.

2) Ben will enter a rural retreat for counselling.

3) Katie Ryan is to become a UKIP election candidate.