Sunday, 18 October 2009

A German language version of Doctor Who

When I was in Germany, it struck me that the language barrier would be a real problem. Not all Germans speak any English and therefore this restricts how many would watch Doctor Who. Obviously the show could be shown dubbed in English or with subtitles but neither really convince. A better solution would be to film each scene several times, once in English, once in German & maybe once in French also. This would widen to appeal of the programme.

Friday, 16 October 2009

The Daily Mail, Stephen Gately & the art of subtle homophobia

I see that Jan Moir's article on Gately's death is causing a wave of complaints. Having read it earlier she certainly appears to be an effective user of subtle insinuation. Nothing overt is said, instead words like 'unnatural', 'lonely', 'sad' etc are dropped in to create a sense of distaste in the minds of the blue rinse brigade. She then claims that his death (of natural causes) somehow strikes a blow against civil partnerships. Er how? Odd woman.

GDR Architecture

Completely underrated in my view. The buildings in the former East Germany have a sense of natural symmetry and solidity. The TV tower is particularly impressive.

I Have Returned From Berlin

A fine city indeed.

Monday, 5 October 2009

DVD recommendation: "The Avengers" series 1&2

This excellent set is out today folks. Contains all of series 2 featuring Honor Blackman as Cathy Gale. Also the surviving series 1 episodes with Ian Hendry as Dr Keel.

Sunday, 4 October 2009

A Ben Chatham movie synopsis: "DELIVERENCE"

OK, here is a synopsis for a Ben Chatham feature film which I hope would really push some of the characters to the limits and add variety to the canon:


Following a series of threatening phone calls, Kyle Scott discovers that he is under threat from a criminal gang that he once did robberies for and whom wrongly believe that Kyle has hidden profits from. Knowing that Kyle is a reformed character, Ben pledges to support his friend. The gang send an enforcer named Garrard round to Ben's apartment. Finding it empty he proceeds to trash the place only for Katie Ryan to stumble in on him. Katie is kidnapped by Garrard who subjects her to threatening acts.

Ben and Kyle track down Garrard to his flat where they find him and a corrupt police inspector named Reece threatening Katie. A fight ensues and Garrard is accidently shot by Kyle while Reece escapes. Fearing retribution by both the police and the gang, Kyle goes on the run, while Ben & Katie decide to stay put and report Reece.Ben and Katie are arrested and charged with Garrard's murder.

Meanwhile, Kyle travels to London. While at Liverpool Street station he overhears a musician saying that he has been evicted from his basement flat for non-payment of rent. Kyle strikes up conversation with him & gets the address. Going round to the flats he breaks into the basement and goes to bed. Waking up, he finds himself surrounded by two naked young women who seduce him. Kyle learns that the flats are owned by a former rock singer Zeno Valiant , who quit the music business after fans shouted 'Judas' at him for sacking his popular lead guitarist Johnny Ramm. Valiant is a transvestite and he & the girls offer Kyle mindbending mushrooms. Kyle is puzzled by the strange transluscent glow coming from the mushrooms and Valient reveals that he actually an alien who has travelled to earth to start a movement to move mankind onto a new plane of consciousness. He tells Kyle that he wants to break down his ego. Kyle tries the mushrooms and feels the violent urges he was having disappear.

Ben & Katie are released on bail and determine to find Kyle before either the gang or the police. Kyle left without taking his phone however Ben & Katie work on the hunch that he is in London. Travelling to the capital, they are clueless what to do next. However Ben has the idea of visiting Kyle's mother. They find her off drugs and willing to co-operate. She tells them that she had a strange phone call from Kyle earlier in which he spoke of unlocking ones latent consciousness and revealed that he was living with Zeno Valiant but not where.

Ben & Katie leave & break into the offices of Valiant's record label at night. Chased by guard dogs they escape with the address.Going round to the flat they find Kyle in bed with the others. Ben and Katie are persuaded by Valiant to try the mushrooms and feel their consciousness' raised. The girls perform a naked dance. However Reece arrives with several armed gangsters who spray the flat with bullets. Valiant is killed, but as he dies his body disintegrates and transforms into thousands of butterflies which land on the gangsters. Their consciousnesses are changed and they put down their guns and start to play Valiant's instruments.

Later, Ben, Katie and Kyle all pledge to learn from this experience.

"ORCHIDS IN JUNE" Act 2 Scene 4

Ok, here is scene 4 of the second dramatic act:

ACT 2: Scene 4

Everybody is gathered in the lounge. Inspector Rigby & PC Ware have arrived to ask questions

Inspector Rigby: Right. We have so far acertained that the corpse in the greenhouse belongs to a Mr Jethro Tull, a farmer over at Dorton-Bassett. *addressing Shaun* I understand sir that there was bad feeling between you and the deceased.

Shaun: Not really. The chap was ok.

Inspector Rigby: Come now sir, we wouldn't want to be evasive would we. Or it might have to be arranged for this interview to be conducted at the station where accidents have been known to happen, if you catch my drift sir.

Rosemary: Don't you threaten my husband. We are taxpayers.

Shaun: Ok, I admit that me and the farmer had a disagreement over some computer software. However I didn't kill him.

Amy: He like dumped a load of mingin cow**** on our path. I was like so upset when I fell in it.

Inspector Rigby: I thought something smelled like a sewer in here. I suggest you have another bath young madam.

Alistair: All of this talk of sewers and murder is too much. I may lie down here and die.

Rosemary: Don't worry darling, there is a ballet on at the weekend in London featuring three pieces in the style of Diagalev. I've booked us two seats.

Alistair: Oh thats marvellous. Can we fly to Greece next week to explore the Acropolis? I feel culturally bereft.

Shaun: Not on my money you can't. Earn your own.

Rosemary: Oh and I suppose you'll be spending it on your tart rather than on your family.

Estelle: Darlings, its very council to air your dirty washing in public. Let us consider the orchids.

Rosemary: Yes, when will that body be removed Inspector so I can examine them?

Inspector Rigby: When I say so madam and not before. When I have acertained who the killer is.

Shaun: I know who it is. There is a feral family that have just moved in down the street. The kids lurk about in hoodies and are obvious criminals. *points out the window* Look theres one of them now.

PC Ware runs out and comes back in dragging a hoodie youth by the collar

PC Ware: Here is the suspect sir.

Hoodie: I ain't done owt. Lemmie go or I'll slash yer up.

Inspector Rigby: Despite this youth's obvious criminality, I don't think he is our killer Ware. Check his pockets for drugs and bung him in the car.

Rosemary: If he didnt kill Tull then who did?

Inspector Rigby: Jethro Tull was battered to death with a piece of lead piping. Plumbers use piping. *Turns and points to Bob Ware* YOU are the killer!

Bob: Look mate, I'm innocent.

Estelle: Eeeeeeeeeek.......... be continued.

"ORCHIDS IN JUNE" Act 2 Scene 3

OK folks, here is the next part of this cutting edge play:

ACT Two: Scene Three

Rushing out into the garden, Rosemary, Bob, Estelle and Alistair are shocked to see that Amy has tripped up and fallen headfirst into the pile of cow manure

Amy: *hysterical* Help .... this is like mingin.... ****in help me , **** mingin like

Rosemary: Oh my poor darling. Mr Ware please help my daughter. It won't matter if any of that manure gets on you as you already smell.

Bob:*helps Amy up* There you are luv.

Alistair: The smell is overpowering. I may faint.

Amy: *sob* I'm like so not going out tonight now.

Rosemary: Its high time this stuff was cleared away. Some of it has cascaded onto my marigolds.

Alistair: At least the orchids are safe mother.

Rosemary: Yes, I must have a look in the greenhouse to make sure that all the negative vibrations out here haven't caused them to droop. They feel you know.

Alistair: I feel the need for a cultural trip to Florence after all this vulgarity. I need to see a Botticelli.

Rosemary goes to the greenhouse and peers in. She lets out a shriek.

Rosemary: SSHRIIIIEEEEKKK! There's a b..b..body in there. My poor orchids.

Estelle: Oh darling how awful for them. Fetch the Doctor Bob!

Bob enters manfully and comes out with Doctor Smythe

Doctor Smythe: *peering into the greenhouse* That is indeed a body. I will inspect said deceased patient. Stand back madam.

He opens the door and enters the greenhouse. Rosemary peers in the door.

Alistair: Who was the cadavour whence once it breathed?

Rosemary: Its the farmer! He's been battered.

Bob: Are there any chips to go with 'im?

Rosemary: This is no time for levity Mr Ware. What will the neighbours think?

Dr Smythe: I suggest you call the police immediately. There is clearly a serial killer on the loose...........

........... to be continued

Saturday, 3 October 2009

"Orchids in June" Act 2 Scene 2

OK folks, here is the next scene of this major work:

ACT 2: Scene 2

Back at the house, Rosemary is having a mini breakdown

Rosemary: *dabs eye with hanky* I simply don't know how we can get through this. What must Alistair be going through? I don't feel in control of my life anymore. I need a valium.

Shaun: He'll be ok.

Rosemary: But how the hell do you know that Shaun. And what about the state of our marriage? We never talk anymore. I feel like its all falling apart, like we are just a bad habit.

Shaun: Look love, its probably just time of the month. Have a G&T and a sleep.

Rosemary: *shouting* While you go off to see your floozy?

Shaun: *aside to audience* A change of tack needed. *To Rosemary* Look love, I see the pressure is getting to you. I'll phone the Doctor.

Shaun exits stage left, while Bob & Estelle descend the stairs.

Bob: Er well, thats the toilet fixed. Well blocked it was. Whoever did that dump must've been constipated for a month.

Rosemary: *sniff* Well we did have a large meal yesterday. I made a beef chilli.

Bob: It smelt like it. I can still smell it on me hands. Did you know that at the time of his death Elvis Presley had fifteen pounds of compacted faeces in his bowels?

Estelle: Darling, I don't think Rosemary wants to hear about faeces. Can we be a trifle more refined. *squeezes Bob's behind*.

Suddenly there is a knock on the door.

Estelle: I'll open it darlings. She opens the door and in walks Alistair

Rosemary: *bursts into tears* My baby. *Hugs Alistair*

Alistair: It was horrible , absolutely ghastly. Horrible men acosting me and threatening to knock my teeth out.

Rosemary: Well I shall phone our solicitor. Its outrageous that the police should treat you like this. This is a respectable close not a sink estate.

There is another knock on the door. Estelle opens it and in walks the Doctor, a grey-haired man in his sixties. He carries a Doctors bag.

Doctor Smythe: Hello hello hello. Are you the patient?

Estelle: Not to my knowledge darling.

Rosemary: Er no its me. My husband called you, but there really is no need.

Doctor Smythe: Now let me be the judge of that madam. *pulls out stethoscope & listens to Rosemary's chest* Hmmm. There's something wrong with your heart. Also you look a bit yellow which suggests jaundice.

Alistair: Jaundice? This is awful. I might faint.

Estelle steadies him

Doctor Smythe: I'll give you some pills, these red ones are good. They're a general pick me up I found on the internet.

Suddenly there is a huge scream from outside in the garden...................

............... to be continued

"Orchids in June" Act 2 Scene 1

Ok here is the much anticipated first scene of Act 2 folks:

ACT 2 : Scene 1

At the police station, Alistair is being interviewed.

Inspector Rigby: Ok, why not just spare us some time and just confess. I'm keen to get home as the wife has promised me a romp tonight.

Alistair: Look I'm not interested in your domestic arrangements. I am innocent.

Inspector Rigby: Balls. Just admit it, you poisoned the fondant fancies.

Alistair: Oh no I didn't. And I want to phone mummy's lawyer. I have a right to appropriate legal representation.

Inspector Rigby:*leans forward and grabs Alistair's shirt collars* Look ducky, we don't give a monkey's toss about rights in this station. Now confess or your teeth might emigrate from your mouth to parts foreign.

Alistair: This is absolutely beastly. Mummy will be furious. We pay our taxes so that the police can protect us from the criminal elements and instead we get treated as criminals ourselves. I did not poison Steve Crabbs.

There is a knock on the door and in walks PC Wold

Inspector Rigby: What the buggery **** do you want?

PC Wold: Sorry to disturb you Guv, however the initial report has come back from the lab.

Inspector Rigby: That was bloody quick.

PC Wold: Yeah Guv, we got Doctor Smythe to come in and do a quickie autopsy in the storeroom.

Inspector Rigby: What that old quack? Still if it gets the job done. What did he find?

PC Wold: He recons that the poison was not in the cake. Crabbs had also recently consumed a can of Stella and a beefburger. The poison was in the burger. It was Raisenanian, a slow acting rat poison.

Inspector Rigby: So it looks like this little twonk is off the hook. Ho hum.

Alistair: I would like an apology. My treatment here has been outrageous. Frankly I'm shocked that the police can behave so unprofessionally.

Inspector Rigby: Stop whining and bugger off. I'm off home for me oats. We'll resume the investigation tomorrow.......

..... to be continued

"Orchids in June" Act 1 Scene 8

OK, here is the next part of this discerning play folks:

ACT 1 Scene 8

Everyone has moved back into the house where Alistair pours his mother a gin and tonic

Alistair: Drink this mummy, it will calm your nerves.

Rosemary: Thankyou darling, you are so thoughtful.

Jethro: What about moi computer?

Shaun: *to Inspector Rigby* When are you going to arrest this farmer? He clearly has a grudge against me and my family and is no doubt behind the poisoning. He must have been hoping I'd be first to grab a cake or else my wife.

Jethro: Ere daarn't you be accusin' me o' no paaaarsoning. Thaaaaat's slaaaarnder . Oooaaahhh slaaaander it be.

Inspector Rigby: Actually I have already used my powers of deduction to detect who the murderer is.

There is a sharp intake of breath from the cast. Cuthbert drops his glass.

Shaun: Well? Who is it then.

Inspector Rigby: The murderer is clearly..... *swings round and looks at Alistair* YOU! You baked the cakes so only you had opportunity to poison them.

Alistair: This is utterly preposterous. I put nothing untoward into my fondant fancies.

Rosemary: This is all too much *faints*

Estelle: Help her someone. This is most beastly.

Inspector Rigby: Wold arrest that boy! We will question him down at the station.

PC Wold grabs Alistair by his shirt collar and drags him offstage. Inspector Rigby exits with them.

Rosemary:*reviving* My poor baby *sob* what will happen to him? What will they say at the church institute?

Shaun: Oh well. Lets go to bed and deal with it tomorrow.

Rosemary: How can you say that when they're throwing your son in the cells?

Shaun: Look love, theres nothing we can do. Pull yourself together and have another G & T.

The doorbell rings. Rosemary opens it and in walks Bob Ware the plumber

Bob: Hullo. I've come to look at your blocked toilet.

Rosemary: Oh? But we didn't call you.

Shaun: I did love, before I came down earlier. I had a massive dump in the bog, a real ringstinger. When I flushed it it blocked. It overspilled.

Bob I'll 'ave a butchers at it.

Estelle moves up to him and strokes his face

Estelle: How about having a look at my plumbing first.

Bob: *grins* Yer on! Any holes a goal.They run upstairs.

Jethro: Roight I'm orfff. Oil be back tomaaarow with more a moi cow muck for eee alll unless oi gets moi computer looked at *exits stage left*

Rosemary: *dabs eyes* This is all too much. I feel like a cracked eggshell. ....

..... to be continued.

Tonight's 'Merlin'

Once again, the BBC serve up another episode of this rubbish. Some points:

1) Why do the opening titles continue to refer to Merlin as a 'young boy' when he is clearly played by someone in his early 20s?

2) Why do the female characters wear 20th century undergarments?

3) Why does Arthur wear a modern suede jacket?

4) Why has a modern plate glass window just blown out of a castle wall?

It gets worse.

Absinthe recommendation: Absinthe Supreme

This is a very fine slovenian absinthe with a high thujone content. It is very enjoyable to drink and produces positive effects.

A Season of Sequels

A good idea for a future season of Nuwho would be to have an entire season - 13 eps- where every story is a sequel to a classic series one. 'The Web Planet' , 'The Celestian Toymaker' & 'Invasion of the Dinosaurs' all spring tomind as being ripe for sequels. This will encourage the viewers to check out classic series DVDs.

Friday, 2 October 2009

Elizabeth Sladen: wrong about 'K9 & Company'

In the new DWM special on Sarah Jane Smith, Elizabeth Sladen criticises the script of 'K9 & Company' while praising 'The Sarah Jane Adventures'. Which only goes to show that actors are often a poor judge of their own work and of the quality of scripts. 'K9 & Company' had all the right elements; rural mystery, hints of the supernatural and eccentric English characters. Wheras much of SJA is just cultural bubblegum.

Feral yobs, bullying and weak authority

The recent spate of cases involving bullying hoodie yobs and indifferent councils is indicative of the extent to which liberalism fails to protect the vulnerable in UK society. The hands of the police are tied as if they try to intervene 'Linda the Social Worker' bleats about the little darlings' rights while 'David the beardy council leader' complains that the victims are exaggerating and should ignore the abuse.
The worst case I've heard about this week is that of the school dinner lady who was sacked for revealing to some parents that their child was being bullied at school. While she clearly had a duty to follow school procedures, the fact is that bullying in secondary schools should be publicised not swept under the carpet.
Where authority is weak, the bullies rule. Sadly in Britain today too many in authority take the view that the victims are the problem & can't be bothered to do their jobs.

The decision not to award the 2016 olympics to Chicago

This is the wrong decision and clearly motivated by a snobbish anti-americanism. Chicago has the facilities and the location to be perfect for such an event. President Obama & his wife mounted an excellent campaign. Rio on the other hand is ill suited.

Thursday, 1 October 2009

The real Henry VIII

The real Henry VIII. Nothing like Jonathan Rhys Meyers!

"The Tudors" tv series

Further to my point about 'Merlin', I would like to emphasise that this is only one example of BBC dumbing down of historical drama. 'The Tudors' is another. Henry VIII did not look like Jonathan Rhys Meyers into middle age. He was obese by the 1530s and did not spend all day in bed with beautiful women. The programme makes no attempt to show historically accurate events.