Wednesday, 31 October 2007

EXCLUSIVE Ben Chatham Story: "CURSE OF THE VAMPIRE SKULL"

Ben wakes up slowly, rubbing his neck and moaning. Slowly he remembers what has happened, he was being driven back to Cambridge from an archaeological dig in Hampshire by Katie Ryan when the car skidded off the road on some oil and into a ditch. He pulls himself up and sees Katie struggling to open the crushed door. The darkness has descended and they are alone in the middle of nowhere.
"You OK Katie?" Ben asks. Katie winces:
"Of course I'm not Ok, we've just crashed".
"Well you were driving Katie, and too fast as usual."
"Oh **** off Ben... ahh my ankle... and my phone's smashed"
Ben helps her out of the car and sets off for help,his phone being damaged as well, leaving Katie by the car and none too pleased. As he walks down the narrow lane in the dark, the trees seem to close in from all sides. Ben hears the eerie sounds of owls and a strange, sinister whispering sound coming from the musty trees. He senses a presence, something dark, foreboding, menacing......
Ben has a Fox's Glacier Mint to calm down and his mind begins to float in a state of euphoric bliss. As he moves forward, his foot kicks something. Looking down, Ben sees a skull, its eyesockets full of soil with worms crawling out. As he stares at the skull he feels a presence behind him. Turning he sees a woman, dressed in a black shawl with strange hypnotic eyes and protruding fans. Ben starts to run, but the woman transforms into a large black dog and leaps at Ben, sinking its teeth into his leg. Ben gasps with pain as the creature's Master appears before him, a tall, undead creature in a large cloak:
"Give me the skull" it whispers in a menacing tone......
Suddenly the vision fades, and Ben finds himself alone in the woods. He puts it all down to a combination of the crash and tiredness and walks to the nearest Little Chef to phone for the AA.

6 comments:

Cameron Mason said...

Utter tripe.

First off, a mint cannot have the same affect on people as illicit substances.

Secondly, the skull is not even named as a 'Vampire skull' in the story, and if you're going for subtlety by laying down clues, well you stuffed it up with a confusing mess.

Thirdly, the conclusion is... crap.

Essentially the whole thing could just be the result of whatever illegal substance is slipped into Ben's mints...

sparacus said...

The ending is a nice twist. It leaves it open for the reader to decide if it was real

Youth of Australia said...

Well, since there's nothing else to say after the blog was purged... AGAIN...

Curse of the Vampire Skull
How can you get a vampire skull? It is accepted vampire lore that if a vampire is dead, it turns to dust. Ergo, no bones.

A dumbed down hack of a title.

Ben wakes up slowly, rubbing his neck and moaning. Slowly he remembers what has happened, he was being driven back to Cambridge from an archaeological dig in Hampshire by Katie Ryan when the car skidded off the road on some oil and into a ditch.
Well, at least he was waking up from a car crash and not hungover in bed with someone he hates...

But why does he make Katie drive him everywhere? Can't he drive himself? Or was he too drunk to drive?

How come Ben knows there was oil on the road?

He pulls himself up and sees Katie struggling to open the crushed door. The darkness has descended and they are alone in the middle of nowhere.
Uh, they're in a ditch near Hampshire, dumbass. My Antipodean sense of direction may not be welcome here, but that doesn't SOUND like the middle of nowhere...

"You OK Katie?" Ben asks. Katie winces:
"Of course I'm not Ok, we've just crashed".

Well, thanks for telling us that, Katie. We'd never have noticed otherwise...

"Well you were driving Katie, and too fast as usual."
Oh, for crying out loud! Ben, she's in SHOCK! Show a bit of damn maturity and let her bitch for once. You really think blaming her for it will help?

And if she is such a reckless driver, why the hell did Ben agree to let her drive him anywhere?

"Oh **** off Ben... ahh my ankle... and my phone's smashed"
Her ankle? Why the hell would her ankle be hurt? Even if she WASN'T wearing a seatbelt, and if the airbags DIDN'T activate (niether of which you refer to), she'd more likely have smashed her ribs against the steering wheel than her ankle.

Is this some incredibly pathetic 'twisted ankle' cliche gag, or did you think it was genuinely impressive?

Ben helps her out of the car and sets off for help,his phone being damaged as well
A car crash that ONLY damages mobile phones and ankles?!

Don't you primitive English people have emergency phones on the roads for just these sort of emergencies?

, leaving Katie by the car and none too pleased.
Well, her ankle is busted, she could hardly follow... hey, Ben didn't even administer first aid! Selfish bastard!

As he walks down the narrow lane in the dark, the trees seem to close in from all sides. Ben hears the eerie sounds of owls and a strange, sinister whispering sound coming from the musty trees. He senses a presence, something dark, foreboding, menacing......
Wait a minute, you totally ripped this off from your Nazi story! Jared showed me the latest ep FULL of crap like this! The only difference is that Ben had Katie and Klye with him that time...

Ben has a Fox's Glacier Mint to calm down and his mind begins to float in a state of euphoric bliss.
...

a) why the hell would a mint cause Ben to voyage to trip out city?

b) if mints DO provide such a kick, how can Ben be so foolish as to take one in a situation like this? He'll be so wasted he won't be able to do anything in an emergency and, oh yes, he's IN one! Katie is not going to be helped if he's 'floating in euphoric bliss', is he?

c) a seasoned TARDIS traveller is scared of some trees?

As he moves forward, his foot kicks something.
A heap of intestines like last time?

...just WHY were there a heap of intestines last time?

Looking down, Ben sees a skull, its eyesockets full of soil with worms crawling out.
Where's the rest of the body? Why are worms crawling over it? If they ate the remains, are they not now VAMPIRE worms?!?

As he stares at the skull he feels a presence behind him. Turning he sees a woman, dressed in a black shawl with strange hypnotic eyes and protruding fans.
How can he tell if her eyes are 'hypnotic' through a shawl?

And 'protruding fans'? What the hell is that supposed to mean? This woman is air conditioned?

And why do I sense you're stealing from The Woman In Black, the 1970s BBC Christmas ghost story?

Oh yeah, I'm no ignorant Aussie...

Ben starts to run,
Why?

but the woman transforms into a large black dog and leaps at Ben, sinking its teeth into his leg.
Why?

Even if it WAS evil, why not attack him in human form? Ben's off his head on mints, he's not going to put up a fight.

Ben gasps with pain as the creature's Master appears before him, a tall, undead creature in a large cloak:
Why would an undead creature own a shape-shifting monster? Why not just the undead creature on its own? Hell, a DEAD creature could defeat Ben when he's in MintDazeTM.

"Give me the skull" it whispers in a menacing tone......
Er, pick it up yourself, you loser! Ben just LOOKED at the skull, he didn't even touch it!

Suddenly the vision fades, and Ben finds himself alone in the woods. He puts it all down to a combination of the crash and tiredness and walks to the nearest Little Chef to phone for the AA.
Right.

So, the plot is this.

Ben has a car crash, blames the woman driver, has a mint, and walks into the woods, pausing only to freak out.

What the hell does this have to do with Halloween?

What 'curse'? Why did the 'undead thing' want the skull? Why is a mystical skull lying in a Hampshire ditch anyway? Why did the creature and its servant arrive five seconds after Ben? Assuming Ben WASN'T tripping, why didn't they kill Ben?

I am reminded of your LAST halloween special, which was even MORE pathetic.

There, Ben has a nightmare from too much absinthe. Here, he has a hallucination from too many mints.

The moral of your story seems to be that substance abuse is killing Ben slowly but surely, and causing a complete mental breakdown.

Dull, boring, nonsensical and tedious. I wasted a chunk of my life just reading that.

Oh, and since the 'vampire encounter' was as equally dull as if it was a hallucination, no one will CARE if it's real.

This relaunched blog SUCKS!

sparacus said...

The point of this story is that the reader never quite knows whether it was real or just Ben hallucinating. It has a sense of mystery.

Youth of Australia said...

There is a simple way to tell - if Ben's leg is bleeding.

Either way, who cares if it's a hallucination?

If it IS: Ben is a junkie tool. This we knew already.

If it ISN'T: some vampire has collected a rotting skull.

BIG DEAL!

It has to be INTERESTING before it can be MYSTERIOUS.

Andrew said...

A cop out ending does not instill a sense of mystery. It instills a sense of irritation, and the feeling that the author just thought "arse to this" and couldn't be bothered to write any more.

Your man called the wrong AA, too. His liver needs fixing far more urgently than his motor.