OK, here is a play for the theatre.
[B][U]The Main Characters:[/U][/B]
Miss Amelia Farnley: A 21 year old unmarried bank assistant who dreams of a better life.
Cresselda Markham : Amelia's wealthy schoolfriend.
Alex Markham: Cresselda's husband, a successful businessman.
Don Farnley: Amelia's father, a retired brewer.
Sarah Farnley: Amelia's mother, an alcoholic stamp collector with violent tendencies.
Rupert Farnley: Amelia's 19 year old brother.
Joe Hanning: A young bank clerk who is in love with Amelia.
Rob 'the Knob' Torregan: A young roofer who is also in love with Amelia.
Hubert Slurriman: A farmer in his sixties who is also in love with Amelia.
Miles Ashfordly : A wealthy young socialite in love with Amelia.
[B]Scene One: The Farnley House[/B]
[I]The interior of an average middle class house in suburbia. The decor is modern and well furnished, although with a strong impression of IKEA vulgarity. Don Farnley is reading the Times newspaper while his wife is watching an antiques programme on daytime TV. [/I]
[B]Don Farnley:[/B] Can't you turn that damn thing off. You're not watching it.
[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]*shaking her head and wiping a tear* Is it any wonder I have to take solace in the television. Married to an insufferable bore like yourself all these years.
[B]Don Farnley:[/B] Oh change the bloody record. Amelia will be home in a bit. At least she inherited my discipline and get up and go.
[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]*pouring a vodka* Those are Sansom traits not Farnley traits. She gets those from my family. If she had a surfeit of your genes she'd be walking the streets.
[B]Don Farnley:[/B]What are you on about?
[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]Sex mad your family. All of them sex mad. Like your mother and all those sailors *knocks back vodka*.
[B]Don Farnley:[/B]How dare you. My mother worked hard all her life.
[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]Yes, on her back. How your father put up with it I've no idea. They say he always had an itchy groin as well.
[B]Don Farnley:[/B]What a crude and disgusting woman you are. I worked hard creating a successful business for you. I gave you a nice home.
[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]Yes paid for with my money. You had no idea how to run a business. Daddy had to bail you out time and time again.
[B]Don Farnley:[/B]Yeah whatever.
[I]The front door opens and shuts and in walks Amelia. She is in tears and flings herself onto the sofa.[/I]
[B]Amelia:[/B] I can't stand that wretched bank any longer. I just can't. I've been shouted at all day and one woman called me a pasty faced little whore because her card had been swallowed by the cash machine. Its all too much. I may die. Bye.
[I]Don rushes to his daughter and embraces her[/I]
[B]Don Farnley:[/B]There there my princess. Its ok. Daddy's here.
[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]*Knocking back another vodka* Oh pass me the sick bucket. Put her down for Christ's sake. Amelia, pull yourself together, you're overdoing it dear.
[B]Amelia:[/B]*Suddenly sitting up*. Do you think so mummy. OK, deep breath, fine now. Whats for tea.
[B]Don Farnley:[/B]Your mother's foul shepherd's pie that tastes like she's used the dog's faeces in it.
[I]The dog, Dionysus, wags his tail and gives a little bark[/I]
[B]Don Farnley: [/B]Shut up.
[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]That's right, take it out on a harmless creature. Pig.
[B]Amelia:[/B]Oh daddy, I'm sure mummy hasn't put Dionysus' poo poo in the shepherd's pie. It would make it go gooey.
[I]The doorbell rings. Sarah gets up, knocking over a glass of vodka, belches and goes to the door (off set) She opens it and lets someone in then returns.[/I]
[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]Amelia, there is a young man to see you. Weedy looking specimen.
[I]Joe Hanning walks in. He is a bespectacled youth with a nervous twitch.[/I]
[B]Joe:[/B]Hi Amelia. I followed you home from the bank as I've become rather obsessed with you. I wondered if you would like to go out with me later to a wine bar or to the chamber music recital at the arts centre. Afterwards I could make love to you. I've brought you a rose.
[I]Joe hands Amelia a red rose.[/I]
[B]Amelia:[/B]Oh Joe. I'm touched, really touched. However I can't get past the fact that you look like a creepy nerd and have no personality.
[B]Joe:[/B]But we get on ok don't we? As colleagues at the bank? I really like you Amelia.
[B]Sarah Farnley:[/B]Take a hint boy and piss off. You aren't rich enough for Amelia. She has ambitions.
[B]Amelia:[/B]I have ambitions. I want to lie on the back of a luxury yacht with the sun on my face and millions in the bank...
[B]Joe:[/B]But I'm just a bank clerk.
[B]Don Farnley:[/B]Exactly lad. I'd give up if I were you.
[B]Joe:[/B]OK. Back out into the wilderness I go. But I will win you Amelia.Someday, somewhere there is a place for us.
[I]Joe exits. Don gets up and strokes his forehead.[/I]
[B]Don Farnley:[/B]Are you quite sure that he doesn't have money in his family? I mean he may have an inheritance due one day from his parents.
[B]Amelia:[/B]He doesn't. They bank at our branch and I took a look at their balance when I first saw him looking at me goggle-eyed. They're mortgaged to the hilt and have a couple of grand savings that's all. I have dreams. I want more.
[B]Don Farnley:[/B]Fair enough. Lets have that foul shepherd's pie before the cack goes cold.