Sunday 15 July 2007

My Pitch for Season 4

MY PITCH FOR SEASON 4


INTRODUCTION

Presuming that I’d be restricted to the current format, the series would consist of 13 episodes, including three two-part stories. I would keep the current decision to replace Martha Jones with Donna Noble for most of the series, although Martha would return at the end. Ben Chatham would feature in the season as a regular companion. The other main aspect of the RTD approach which I would retain is that there would be an overall theme to the season, revealed at the end. This would be a conspiracy against the entire human race and features in a roundabout way the return of an old Doctor Who adversary.


EPISODE 1 - FIELDS OF DEATH

The Doctor returns to London and meets up with Donna Noble. He is contacted by Ben Chatham regarding strange press reports about anti-GM crop protesters being found mutilated in the fields. Investigating a site in Wiltshire, they are met with obstruction from the company, owned by a Director named Stephen Poole, and farmers. Ben suspects a conspiracy, however the Doctor also believes that there are alien forces at work. Indeed it is revealed that the deaths are the result of the Xanto Worms , alien creatures that have come to earth after floating in space and descending in pods. The Doctor uses burning incense, which is deadly to them, to defeat them.


EPISODE 2: DISSOLUTION

Arriving in Colchester in the late 1530s, the TARDIS crew become embroiled in the Dissolution of the Monasteries. Thomas Cromwell’s men have just hanged the Abbott of St John’s Abbey and are ransacking the place. Ben and Donna help the monks to escape while the Doctor is shocked to learn that Cromwell’s Inspector who fabricated false allegations against the Abbey is a certain Stephen Poole….
Using the TARDIS, The Doctor visits Henry VIII in Hampton Court where he finds a half-insane King gloating at the wealth dissolving the monasteries is bringing him, egged on by Poole & Cromwell.
Before he can confront Poole the King’s guards arrive and he has to escape. Having saved some of the rebel monks, Ben and Donna wish to assist the Pilgrimage of Grace rebels in the North, however the Doctor warns them against such a fundamental interference in history and they leave.


EPISODE 3: ROAD RAGE

The TARDIS lands near Binfield Woods, the site of a major anti-roads protest by new age eco-warriors who have a camp in the woods. The Doctor, Ben & Donna learn that the massive bypass through the ancient woods is being built via a PPI scheme by a private company ‘New World Enterprises’ , whose Director is Stephen Poole. They are concerned.
A new-age girl called Sparrow asks them to join the protest, however Ben refuses citing their unhygenic encampment and insists on finding a room in the local village.
That evening, the encampment is attacked at night by creatures who turn out to be composed of mutated vegetable matter. Trapped and surrounded on all sides, Donna rings Ben who contacts UNIT. There follows a siege and several battles before the creatures are defeated.

8 comments:

sparacus said...

This will be completed over the next few days.

Youth of Australia said...

Seriously, Spara.

WHY CAN'T YOU CLICK "EDIT"?

WHY?

Youth of Australia said...

My spies are already tearing this apart on OG.

However...

INTRODUCTION
Presuming that I’d be restricted to the current format, the series would consist of 13 episodes, including three two-part stories.

God god. You are clueless. I mean, you expect that to change?

I would keep the current decision to replace Martha Jones with Donna Noble for most of the series,
Cause it's easier to give her Spartha Jones dialogue.

although Martha would return at the end. Ben Chatham would feature in the season as a regular companion.
BUT, you half-wit, he's never been in the show before. You'd have to introduce him afresh to the six billion people who've never heard of him.

Worse, you'll have to make him likeable!

The other main aspect of the RTD approach which I would retain is that there would be an overall theme to the season, revealed at the end.
It's called 'a story arc'. Moron.

Still, you spectacularly failed all this in your first "season" so I suppose it's a KIND of improvement. Like being given an enema is a KIND of improvement on being mauled by a tiget.

This would be a conspiracy against the entire human race
A conspiracy. Another bloody conspiracy. Name one story you've written WITHOUT a conspiracy.

and features in a roundabout way the return of an old Doctor Who adversary.
Righhhht. So, basically, you're stealing the whole Saxon arc.


EPISODE 1 - FIELDS OF DEATH
How dull and boring.

The Doctor returns to London and meets up with Donna Noble.
How? What's globetrotter Donna even DOING in London?

He is contacted by Ben Chatham
Who's Ben Chatham?

The audience won't know.

regarding strange press reports
Right. So Ben has read something in the newspaper... and runs to the Doctor for help. How weak and pathetic of him.

about anti-GM crop protesters being found mutilated in the fields.
You're just using "Web of Lies" all over again. RUBBISH!

If say some conspiracy doesn't want GM crops to be rejected, then brutally slaughtering all the opponents and leaving them in a field is a dumb idea.

"oooh! Have you tried that GM battered flathead yet? Apparently, the last person who complained was found mutilated in a field somewhere! Makes me want to buy GM foods, don't you?"

GET REAL!

Investigating a site in Wiltshire,
Right. So the Doctor goes to London. And then heads out for the countryside straight away.

Why not land in the countryside?

they are met with obstruction from the company
What obstruction? Do they bar the road or something? How do the TARDIS crew (and I'm including Ben under protest) even get to the countryside? Car? Helicopter? Teleport?

owned by a Director named Stephen Poole,
Wow. I bet he's not part of the conspiracy.

and farmers.
If farmers agree to the GM foods... it must be OK. Especially as GM foods could put them out of business.

Obviously, it's all been a misunderstanding.

We can go home.

Ben suspects a conspiracy
Why?

however the Doctor also believes that there are alien forces at work
Why?

There is absolutely no evidence for either of those viewpoints.

And Donna hasn't done a single thing in this story.

Your woman-hating pretentions are rising to the surface once more.

Indeed it is revealed that the deaths are the result of the Xanto Worms
HOW is is revealed?

, alien creatures that have come to earth after floating in space and descending in pods.
Wow. EXACTLY like the aliens in War and Peace.

You are unable to come up with a SINGLE original idea.

WHY are the Xanto Worms eating the anti-GM protestors? What do they have to do with the conspiracy? What IS the conspiracy? Why is Ben Chatham in this story when he does little more than point to a newspaper and not believe what he's told? Why hasn't Donna done anything at all?

The Doctor uses burning incense, which is deadly to them, to defeat them.
So... the Doctor kills some wild animals.

For behaving normally.

So, if the Doctor say, went to Africa, he'd kill all of the Lions because they can eat people too.

What utter crap!

AND morally bankrupt!

It's not even a satisfying conclusion. The Doctor sets fire to a joss stick and suddenly all the monsters die. Whoop-de-doo.

It doesn't explain why Donna is there, what the conspiracy is, why the GM company was so obstructive, what Ben Chatham is doing in the plot, or even the title.

You don't even make it clear Donna joins the TARDIS in this. And why should she?

It's such a boring plot. The Doctor and Ben go to the countryside, argue with a director, then light up joss sticks and kill some giant maggots.

It's a palid corpse imitating the Green Death and you're total inability to come up with even the vaguest of plots is ALMOST as pathetic as you're belief it doesn't matter because it's "traditional" Doctor Who.

God, you're a pig-headed runt with no talent.

CLICHE COUNTER
Shlock Title: Of Death (1)
Ben Chatham: 1
Set in rural England: 1
Set in 'present': 1
Female characters: 1
Evil corporations: 1
Intellectual Snobbery: 0
Mindless alien monsters: 1
Aliens' one weakness new age smells: 1
No explanation: 3
"Street Cred" political issue: (GM crops) 1
Self-plagiarising: 3

That's a total of 15 points on the "Why Sparacus Should Never Ever Write Anything Again" Meter.

Youth of Australia said...

EPISODE 2: DISSOLUTION

Arriving in Colchester in the late 1530s, the TARDIS crew
Crew? What crew? The Doctor traveled solo in the previous story with two 'fill-in' companions. There was nothing to believe that they joined up.

become embroiled in the Dissolution of the Monasteries.
How do they become embroiled?

Does the Doctor head there deliberately? If so, it's a rubbish destination. "Let's see a bunch of poor monks get the crap beaten out of them by zealots!" Yeah, that REALLY makes travelling back in time look fun and exciting.

Thomas Cromwell’s men have just hanged the Abbott of St John’s Abbey and are ransacking the place.
The TARDIS crew do nothing.

Ben and Donna help the monks to escape while the Doctor is shocked to learn that Cromwell’s Inspector who fabricated false allegations against the Abbey is a certain Stephen Poole…
Oh no. An immortal person. So Poole has gone from Inspector to Director of a GM crop.

a) this is not a new idea, since Captain Jack has been immortal.

b) It is a clear rip off of The Excelis Saga from Big Finish

c) even if he ISN'T immortal, the Master's time travel pulled off an identical trick previously.

d) You're clearly ripping this story off The Stones of Blood.

Why is he still using the name Stephen Poole in 2009? Won't people notice?

Using the TARDIS, The Doctor visits Henry VIII
Pathetic plot twist. Why not have Henry's forces arrive, capture the Doctor, etc? No, he just runs away.

What about Donna and Ben (niether of whom have had a real plot role that couldn't be done by some passing character)?

And with the Tenth Doctor's VERY poor history when it comes to meeting Monarchs, this would be the last thing he should do.

in Hampton Court where he finds a half-insane King
Which half?

gloating at the wealth dissolving the monasteries is bringing him, egged on by Poole & Cromwell.
Right. This is interesting because...?

The king is being manipulated by others to be a total bastard. Ripped off from Loyalty Binds Me and the King's Demons.

And what shit plotting. The Doctor JUST happens to arrive when all the bad guys are gloating and revealing their plans.

A minus three points there, easy.

Before he can confront Poole the King’s guards arrive and he has to escape.
How? By the TARDIS? Not by using his skill or imagination.

In fact, he might as well never have turned up. He could simply have asked Cromwell's men, and they could have TOLD him about it. It would have kept the plot tightly focussed in the monastery.

But you don't understand "plot" do you?

Having saved some of the rebel monks
Rebel monks?!?

, Ben and Donna wish to assist the Pilgrimage of Grace rebels in the North
Do they? Why? You haven't explained what the Pilgrimage of Grace rebels are doing, or why an amateur archaeologist and a global typist would be so interested in it?

however the Doctor warns them against such a fundamental interference in history and they leave.
That's it?

"Let's help these people!"

"No."

The Doctor does nothing to deal with Poole, his companions are a waste of time. This whole episode is a waste of time.

You could save it easily, by having a scene in the first episode where Donna looks up Poole on the internet, ala "Rose" and finding him listed throughout history.

This is not even INTERESTING.


CLICHE COUNTER
Shlock Title: 0
Ben Chatham: 1
Set in rural England: 1
Set in 'present': 0
Set in 'historical period done better by others': 1
Female characters: 1
Evil corporations: 1
Intellectual Snobbery: 3
Mindless alien monsters: 0
Aliens' one weakness new age smells: 0
No explanation: 5
"Street Cred" political issue: (religious tolerance) 1
Self-plagiarising: 18
Abrupt ending: 1

That's a total of 33 points on the "Why Sparacus Should Never Ever Write Anything Again" Meter.

Youth of Australia said...

EPISODE 3: ROAD RAGE
Not a bit like "Gridlock" then.

The TARDIS lands near Binfield Woods,
No trip to the future?

the site of a major anti-roads protest by new age eco-warriors who have a camp in the woods.
More protestors? We already did protestors in episode one.

And "roads"? BORING!

The Doctor, Ben & Donna learn
How?

that the massive bypass through the ancient woods is being built
Damn Vogons.

via a PPI scheme
What's a PPI scheme?

by a private company ‘New World Enterprises’ , whose Director is Stephen Poole.
So. Not only is this immortal time meddler running two companies at once... he's USING THE SAME NAME.

Looney.

They are concerned.
Good. No one else is. This is the most boring plot development since Operation Delta began.

A new-age girl called Sparrow
Not Sally Sparrow I trust.

asks them to join the protest, however Ben refuses citing their unhygenic encampment
So. He doesn't believe in saving the Earth enough to simply stay in the woods they are trying to protect.

and insists on finding a room in the local village.
What about Donna? Does SHE do anything?

Why don't they head straight for NWE and confront Poole?

That evening, the encampment is attacked at night by creatures
So. Protestors getting attacked by monsters. Just like episode one.

who turn out to be composed of mutated vegetable matter.
How is this ascertained? And why is it important?

Trapped and surrounded on all sides, Donna rings Ben who contacts UNIT.
So, after three episodes, Donna does something.

She rings Ben.

Who rings UNIT.

She couldn't say, RING UNIT herself. Or say, RING Torchwood?

There follows a siege and several battles before the creatures are defeated.
So. That's the plot? Monsters getting blown up by UNIT for 40 minutes.

It's like a two minute scene from Evolution of the Daleks extended on a rack.

That's it?

That's the whole plot? The Doctor, Donna and Ben arrive at a camp. Get told some info they do nothing about, and head off. The camp is attacked by monsters, who are then attacked by UNIT.

Why are the monsters attacking? Did Poole send them? Why? An immortal/time traveller must surely work out a better way to get rid of protestors! Why is he so worried about protestors in the first place? Why not simply stop carrying out operations that get protestors in the first place.

Amazingly, this is actually the worst episode of the series so far.

CLICHE COUNTER
Shlock Title: 0
Inappropriate and misleading title: 1
Ben Chatham: 1
Ben Chatham being an arsehole: 1
Set in rural England: 1
Set in 'present': 1
Female characters: 2
Female characters killed: 1
Evil corporations: 1
Intellectual Snobbery: 3
Mindless alien monsters: 1
No explanation: 7
"Street Cred" political issue: (deforestation) 1
Self-plagiarising: 8
Abrupt ending: 6

That's a total of 37 points on the "Why Sparacus Should Never Ever Write Anything Again" Meter.

Cameron Mason said...

Indeed it is revealed that the deaths are the result of the Xanto Worms, alien creatures that have come to earth after floating in space and descending in pods.

So essentially this is Fear Her just with EVIL aliens.

BORING!

Bernie Fishnotes said...

To be fair on Sparacus (I know, unthinkable!) he has simply produced this as an outline, rather than as synopses. If you look at RTD's pitch for series 1, there was hardly any information there.

However, you do seem to gloss over the fact that Donna has joined the Doctor in his travels, and weakened her reappearance by also introducing another new companion (come on, Joe Public has never heard of Ben Chatham!).

I look forward to your full versions...

Youth of Australia said...

I've done some expansions of them, reprinted on the hallowed site.