Sunday, 1 July 2007

Thread for random stuff from the old blog

So it doesn't clog up the 'Return to the Orchid House' thread.


Youth of Australia said...


Only person who thinks Ben Chatham is canon was caught on camera by some spanish chav rednecks!

Got to:
to catch a glimpse on the most elusive of creatures.

It even LOOKS smoothe!

Youth of Australia said...

Doctor Who
starring Colin Baker
in The Hollows of Time
First of a two-part story by
The planet Penecasta hosts a unique museum known as the Pinocotheca, one where visitors can see all the special times and places in the universe. After a murder take place the Doctor and Peri are summoned by its curator to investigate, where they discover things have gone very wrong indeed...

The Doctor........COLIN BAKER
Peri............NICOLA BRYANT
The Sparacus.....JULIAN CLARY
Ben Chatham......DENNIS CAREY
Barton..........STEPHEN MOORE
Vorton...............DEEP ROY
Ghum.............NABIL SHABAN
Tegan..........JANET FEILDING
Turner..........CLINTON GREYN
Nathan............TIM RAYNHAM


Doctor Who
starring Colin Baker
in The Hollows of Time
Two of a two-part story by
With the walls of reality breaking down and the Sparacus trying to rewrite the universe in its own twisted image, the army of the Chathams may be unstoppable.

The Doctor..........COLIN BAKER
Peri..............NICOLA BRYANT
Tegan............JANET FEILDING
The Sparacus.......JULIAN CLARY
Voice of Frobisher..DAVID DIXON
Ben Chatham........DENNIS CAREY
Merlin...............RIK MAYALL
Vipod Mor........GRAHAM CROWDEN
Spiderwoman........SARAH GREENE
The Nemod.........PETER DAVISON
Turner............CLINTON GREYN
Nathan..............TIM RAYNHAM
The Super Trod....JIMMY SAVILLE


Youth of Australia said...

Proof positive that RTD is ripping me off...

This was written on 28/10/2005...

Rose’s ears were so tuned to hear for anything, that the distant rustling made her jump.

“What?” asked Jack, frowning. “What is it?”

Rose turned in the direction of the rustling. There were just the trees, and a gust of wind. “I thought I heard something moving,” she said, looking hard into the wood.

“I think you heard something moving too,” the Doctor agreed quietly. “Something’s hiding from us.”

“Any ideas as to what it could be?” Rose asked hopefully.

“On an impossible planet hanging in front of a complete void, I think I’ll put my money on ‘unfriendly’,” said Jack, delving into his pocket to withdraw his gun.

“Hey, I told you to leave that in the TARDIS,” the Doctor complained.

“Good thing I didn’t listen,” Jack retorted.

“I don’t approve of weapons,” the Time Lord told him darkly. “They have the nasty side effect of hurting people and even killing them. Whatever our stalker is, it isn’t prepared to leap out here and kill us or else it would have done that already. So it’s either non-hostile or simply not able to harm us. Let’s just keep walking and act like civilized time travelers.”

“And if we’re walking into a trap?” Jack asked.

“I’m sure a cunning Time Agent like yourself will be able to deal with any and all hazards,” the Doctor said, his smile not reaching his eyes. “Let’s keep moving.” So saying, he turned and headed off down the hill, hands in his coat pockets.

Rose and Jack stayed to look in the direction the noise had come from.

“Well,” said Rose hopefully, “whatever it is, it’s gone back into the woods. Maybe it is scared.”

Jack raised his gun up for all to see. “It’s got reason to be scared,” he said loudly.

Rose arched an eyebrow. “You’re creeped out by this place, aren’t you?”

“So are you,” Jack replied with no real malice. “I don’t think this is the Doctor’s favorite haunt, either.”

Haunt. Rose cast another look into the woods. “Look, let’s just keep moving, shall we?”

She slipped her arm around his and they made their way down the hill. The Doctor was already standing at the bottom, arms folded, tapping his foot with impatience. It struck Rose that she would normally have expected the Time Lord to keep tearing ahead, but he was clearly not prepared to leave them out of his sight. Rose wasn’t sure it was just simple jealousy this time.

Youth of Australia said...

More proof RTD is stealing my stories.

Here is the synopsis of a 10th Doc Master story I put up on OG...

The Doctor and the Master discuss what has happened to them since the Time War.

The Master escaped the final inferno with his now defunct Time Ring and landed in a Federation research base during the recent intergalactic war. It was there he discovered the secret to MIND, which taps into the very fabric of reality. He easily used it to take over his own private army but to broadcast MIND across the galaxy he needs Orac – which can tap into any machine that uses tarial cells, the most basic form of microchip equivalent in this time period. When the Master uses it, his personality will engulf every living being in range of a tarial cell, but in order to keep his own mind safe, he needs a telepathic filter – in short, the Doctor’s TARDIS.

The Doctor has no idea where his TARDIS is, but the Master does. If the Doctor were to cooperate and allow the Master access to the last time machine in existence, then he would be allowed to leave unharmed. After all, the Federation is corrupt and oppressive, it deserves to fall to the Master. He has Vila escort him to a cell while the saucer heads for Ferno at top speed.

The Doctor is taken to a cell and placed under guard by Vila who immediately drops the act. He is resistant to all forms of mental-adjustment and simply pretended to follow the orders MIND was giving. He and the Doctor are alike in their resistance to the Master’s power, but it seems little help to stop the Master. The Doctor admits he’s wondering if anything the Master can do will be worse than the Terran Federation, but Vila refuses to find out the hard way. He may be a coward but he is no hypocrite – Blake believed the people of the galaxy deserved freedom, and too many have died to simply let one dictator replace another. The Doctor, touched by Vila’s dedication, agrees to try and stop the Master. Using Vila’s tools, they break into the ventilation system.

Aboard the saucer, the Master has linked MIND up with Orac, despite the computer’s protests. He knows MIND can override any pacification drug – his battle with Servalan’s forces is nothing more than a ruse to stop her becoming suspicious. A spasm of pain runs through the renegade. Time is running out.

The Doctor and Vila creep through the air vent into the main logic junction as a massive battle rages outside. The Federated planets not conquered by Servalan have turned to chaos, and the Helotrix resistance force has turned all the newly-claimed territories independent. Roj Blake died one day before he could see the end of the regime he spent his life trying to destroy.

Vila finally begins to crumble after the pressure of spending years on the run. All his comrades – Gan, Jenna, Cally, Blake, Dayna, Soolin and Tarrant – are all dead and gone. And it was all for nothing. If they’d stayed at home and lived normal lives, the Master could have upset the balance of power and left them all alone. The Doctor knows what it’s like to be the only survivor. But guilt and panic won’t help them. They are in the main logic junction. With some careful manipulation, they can nip the Master’s plans in the bud.

The Master uses the ships’ weaponry system to wipe out most of the battle fleets and sends out a disabling MIND pulse which stops the fighting. He wanted to see the battle end of its own accord but his time is running out. His troops burst into Servalan’s palace on Ferno and collect her, Avon and the TARDIS.

The Doctor is interrupted sabotaging the systems of the saucer by the Master’s troops – he expected them to do that. The fugitives are brought to the bridge. Once the TARDIS is linked to MIND, nothing and no one will be able to stop the Master controlling their thoughts. He will become each and every individual in the galaxy. He will not conquer the universe, simply possess it.

Avon shoots the Master in the chest and takes his place at MIND. The Master’s personal force-shield, which protected him from the Time War Inferno, saves his life, but it is too late. Avon activates MIND.

Everyone in the ships, on the planets, guards, rebels and civilians alike look upward as images of Avon’s face fill their minds. As Avon’s face looms in her thoughts, Servalan screams that she will not be defeated and, snatching a weapon, fires a round into the MIND machinery. There is an explosion from Orac and Avon slumps. The machinery shuts down and the Doctor rips down a cable linking Orac to the TARDIS. MIND cannot be used now.

The Master collapses. His Time Ring has finally given up the ghost and his physical form is starting to fade away. As the Doctor watches on, unable and unwilling to help, the Master hisses: “You were wrong. We didn’t survive the Time War. The Time War survived us!” With that, the figure vanishes completely.

The Doctor decides its time to leave and offers Vila a lift.

The TARDIS materializes in a pleasant meadow. It’s taken a few tries, but the Doctor has finally brought Vila to where he wants to be – a distant, Earth-like planet called Homeworld where he was forced to abandon the love of his life Kerril. The Doctor now has to get back to Benjamin and Rose and bids Vila farewell.

As Vila finally settles into the life he always wanted, the TARDIS hurtles back into infinity...

Now come on, surely you can see a bit of similarity with The Last of the Time Lords?

Youth of Australia said...

Reasons Ben Chatham is not canon

1. The very first BC story has the newly regenerated Doctor meet Ben, but on TV he went nuts, threw up the time vortex, and went to the Powell estate instead.

2. New Earth is supposed to happen at some point after Goodbye Is Never Easy, but it is clear Rose has only just coming to terms with the regenerated Doctor over a matter of days

3. In War & Peace, Sarah meets Rose for the first time, but in School Reunion on TV, they never met before

4. Mickey and Jackie on TV meet the new Doctor and ultimately accept him, but in A Time For Love, set AFTER the Christmas Invasion, they have no idea who the Tenth Doctor is

5. Captain Jack Harkness joins the crew in World on the Edge, but TV Doctor Who and Torchwood make it clear he never met up with the Doctor or Rose after The Parting of the Ways

6. Captain Jack Harkness is not immortal in the BC adventures

7. The Master is consumed by an otherdimensional corrosion in Not Alone/Child of Destruction, but this is contradicted by the season three finale where the Doctor and the Master meet for the first time since the Time War

8. Adam Mitchell was left with a hole in his head in 2012 and told to be average lest he be dissected. In Starman he is in 2005 Cornwall a noted environmental activist, despite the fact he should still be a child and a selfish good for nothing

9. Similarly Van Statten is last seen as a mindless tramp in 2012, but in Web of Lies he is a mogul in 2005 determined to sell out humanity to the Cybermen

10. Rose meets the Cybermen for the first time in Rise of the Cybermen and mentions them in Dalek, but not in Goodbye is Never Easy

11. In Goodbye is Never Easy, Jackie dies of a brain tumor after eating a GM apple, but is alive in the TV series

12. GM apples cause brain tumors

13. Rose, stricken by the death of Jackie, leaves the Doctor forever. Not only does this contradict the TV series, it contradicts the next BC adventure

14. The Doctor knows all about Torchwood and approves of it in Shadows of Christmas when on TV he only finds out its exists the day he loses Rose and considers it destroyed and is furious at the idea any of it would survive

15. Rose ditches Mickey for good in A Time For Love, causing him to go mad and join a cult in Shadows of Christmas. On TV, she never ditches him and he remains in love with her, keeping in contact regularly until School Reunion

16. Mickey has a sister called Sheila in Shadows of Christmas, but is an only child in the TV series

17. Although RTD's The Christmas Invasion didn't happen, Harriet Jones is still the Prime Minister who blew up the Sycorax in Doppelganger.

18. It is revealed 'evil Harriet' is an alien who continued on as Prime Minister, when the TV series makes clear she lost power almost right away and was ultimately replaced with Harold Saxon

19. The Tenth Doctor builds a flying K9 for Ben, but Rose has never seen a robot dog before School Reunion

20. Despite meeting Sarah in War and Peace, Ben does not recognize her in Operation Delta

21. The Doctor rings up Ben to cheerfully inform him about him and Rose tackling a Cyberman invasion, but in Rise of the Cybermen, the Doctor and Rose are in another dimension and cannot contact anyone

22. In Doomsday, Rose does not mention Ben Chatham at any point at all, nor does the Doctor. And it's the sort of thing they'd mention

23. In The Shadows of Christmas, Jack and Adam have joined Torchwood, but in Sound of the Drums, the Doctor is horrified to find out Jack rebuilt Torchwood after the events of Doomsday and does not mention Adam at all

24. Martha Jones is a caring medical student from 2008. In the BC stories, she is a violent, rude alcoholic snob who tells everyone to grow up

25. Martha apparently meets Ben on several occasions, yet never learns from him that Rose was blonde.

26. Ben does not appear in the season three finale at any point when he sees three of his friends being branded terrorists.

27. The Tenth Doctor does not carry a mobile phone on TV, yet seems to get messages from Ben continually

28. The Doctor shows no interest in the idea that travels to 'Pete's World' are possible when Jake Simmonds is inexplicably brought to this reality, whereas the TV series and books show the Doctor is desperate to do so.

29. Torchwood are only ever concerned with events in Cardiff unless the Prime Minister intercedes, yet in Firestarter and Crimebuster, they go all the way to Cambridge just to keep an eye on Ben.

30. Jack is desperate to contact the Doctor in Torchwood, but in the BC universe never bothers to use Ben to get to the Doctor

31. In the TV series, Merlin is a future incarnation of the Doctor but in Dark Yuletide he is revealed to be a passing alien godlike being

32. In Stangeness, Polly Wright is said to have had an affair with Professor Brett some twenty years her senior, bore him a child called Simon, and then let him become an insane delinquent who attempts to rebuild WOTAN

33. The Doctor attempts to seduce Martha Jones, the direct opposite of their relationship on TV

34. Ben Chatham visits only one alien planet in his time on the TARDIS, ostensibly the first one the Tenth Doctor, Rose and Jack have ever visited, which is contradicted too many times to mention here

35. The Doctor would never want to know anyone as selfish, rude, lazy and unambitious as Ben Chatham, let alone make him a companion and keep in regular contact with him

36. Rose would never choose anyone as mysognistic, arrogant, stupid and hetrophobic as Ben Chatham, let alone fall in love with him over the Doctor

37. The Doctor is told You Are Not Alone by the Face of Boe in Gridlock, but knew of the graffiti in Not Alone/Child of Destruction

38. Ben never encounters the Daleks, but recognizes one in Dark Yuletide

39. In Invasion of the Bane, Sarah does not contact Ben for help or suggest she ever knew he existed

40. Five Ben Chatham stories have never been finished, and two have never been started though they are continually referred to

41. Alien Seed suggests Ben was liasing with Torchwood during Everything Changes, but the rest of the series confirms they act alone

42. At no point has the name "Ben Chatham" EVER been used in the new series, or that such a companion character existed

Youth of Australia said...

An excerpt from Riders of the Vortex by Shaun Lyons...

When it became known that a special 60-minute Doctor Who episode would be shown on Christmas Day, a strange scaled figure calling itself "Sparacus" began to break into the Doctor Who Production Office and demand RTD accept his ideas for such a story.

Sparacus had for some time been insisting that RTD's Doctor Who was too light weight and just because it had managed to become an award-winning blockbuster series more successful than anyone - even Colin Baker - had ever dared to dream, it wasn't actually good enough.

Amongst other things Sparacus regularly insisted that only HE was able to create any half-decent Doctor Who story despite the fact he would openly admit he could not read, write or "do that spilling thing, you know, with the letters".

When the Captain Jack spin-off series Torchwood was announced, Sparacus immediately began to brag on Outpost Gallifrey, Outpost Vulcan and his own shoddily-designed Outpost Sparacus that it was all down to him and anyone who said otherwise was a homophobic communist who should be pistol-whipped to death.

First off, Sparacus ordered that the story involve Rose threatening the Doctor at gunpoint to take her back in time to meet Jesus and finally solve once and for all whether or not The Da Vinci Code is a shocking expose of the truth or complete crap.

Sparacus found it utterly preposterous that Doctor Who had survived 40 odd years without at least one companion demanding to discover the truth about Jesus.

RTD cautiously agreed in order to stall Sparacus while the men in white coats were requested urgently by a near-hysterical Helen Raynor.

RTD then suggested that the story would involve the Doctor catching up with Jesus, Moses and Mohammed and taking them to Mars for a pub crawl (though it should be noted this entire idea was plagiarized from Tom Baker's "What I Did On My Weekend" essay from 1962).

Sparacus dismissed this idea on the grounds that equating Jesus with drinking binges was highly inappropriate - and when RTD point out Jesus regularly turned water into wine for his mates, Sparacus began to scream incoherently and pulled out a semi-automatic rifle.

Sparacus admitted later he had a low opinion of Jesus Christ, calling him a "workshy fop who threw in a carpentry apprentice to hang around with his stoned hippy mates not to mention the hookers! Oh, how many times have we heard of the apostles fire-bombing police cars? Or seen Jesus go to the DSS for not paying child support to Mary Magdeline? If only Jesus had been white man from Oxford, things could have been so much happier and safer in modern life! And he was a poof! They're all queer in heaven, you know, so backs to the wall!".

Sparacus was very much in favor of the TARDIS crew discovering that Jesus was, in fact, a Japanese albino lesbian in a wheelchair who believed hir was the son of God due to excessive masturbation on Thursdays.

RTD was unimpressed and suggested the slightly less sacrilegious idea that Jesus was a Slitheen.

Or maybe Jesus was the illegitimate offspring of Captain Jack, who wooed the Virgin Mary in five minutes flat.

Or maybe Jesus was the first Cyberman.
(The latter was again an idea nicked by RTD as a stalling game, this time from Matthew Waterhouse's proposed "Adric the Attractive" spin-off series which Handmade Films described as "not worth touching with a barge pole tied to another barge pole").

Indeed, RTD found the only realistic way to deal with the issue without causing undue offence was to have the story consist of Rose asking to go back in time and see Jesus, and the Doctor refuse point blank as Jesus doesn't exist. We would then see the Doctor had his fingers crossed all along.

Sparacus insisted that Doctor Who should tackle controversial issues and that historical evidence proved that not only did Jesus exist, he was also a Japanese albino quadriplegic transsexual lesbian.

Ideally he wanted a story that was subtle, insidious, topical - and inspired TV viewers to hurl bricks at members of organized religions.

When Sparacus suggested, however, that Adam Rickitt play Jesus, something snapped inside RTD's brain.

He leant forward and proceeded to BITE the shotgun in two, snap both Sparacus' arms and force the fishy figure face-first into the office microwave.

Spacarus hastily changed tactics and conceded that maybe Aled Jones could play Jesus as a Yorkshireman.

Rickitt could portray an intellectually curious human companion for the Doctor that could draw attention away from "the tits" (as Jones insisted on referring to both Rose Tyler and Billie Piper).

It was the wrong thing to say.

By the time Sparacus was sufficiently recovered to leave hospital, the Christmas special had been named "The Christmas Invasion" and would be the first story of the Tenth Doctor.

Sparacus desperately offered RTD a new synopsis, and scrawled over the title page of the script was the following:

"This could be without doubt the lamest script in human history. Leave it to the professionals, Jones. They know what they're doing."

*Do they? In what sense?*

"In the sense that they're paid professionals who have been writing for years who - fortunately - don't have an obsession with Adam Rickett getting his pants off. You know, the ones who made a critical success with the first series of Doctor Who?"

*If it's SO good, then why don't I like it??*

"Probably because you fancy Adam Rickitt, that little twat. I've met him twice and if I see him a third time I'll castrate the bastard with a pair of eyebrow tweezers."

*You have met Adam Rickitt twice? Have you any idea how lucky you are to have done so? If I met Adam Rickitt I would not be wasting the opportunity by criticizing his acting skills I'd be inviting him out for dinner at a fine restaurant - followed by a nightcap at my place sitting on the rug by the fire after which I would pour honey over him and lick it off.*


Sparacus later resubmitted the plotline for the Children in Need mini-episode, entitled simply Pudsey Cutaway.

In this, the dazed post-regenerative Tenth Doctor sends the TARDIS hurtling back to AD 33, Judea, where he and Rose discover that the Biblical account of the Messiah is somewhat different to real thing.

Can the Doctor convince Jesus to accept his destiny and save mankind from their own sins? Why do Jesus' disciples refer to Rose as "That slapper Magdalene"? And why does Pilate have a black beard and a tissue compression eliminator?

All these and more were never to be revealed, for Sparacus suggested that Adam Rickett could play the part of Jesus if oiled and taunt enough and the idea was immediately scrapped and Sparacus was knocked out, drugged and had his unconscious body transported overnight to Afghanistan.

By the time Sparacus had managed to return to England, it was November 20th and the CIN special had been and gone.

Cameron Mason said...

Here is the PEFECT ending to Ben Chatham's adventures.

Just drop this in the moment you get sick of reading any story featuring the character (usually within the first six lines, unless you are a sadist).

Best of all, it makes Ben canon, but not how Sparacus wants him to be canonical.

A strange smell wafts in - something brown, milky, sugary, leafy...


The Doctor's eyes open. He sits up and looks around him, noticing the flask of spilt tea and grins. "Thank you Jackie Tyler!" He gets to his feet in a panic. "Ben, I must rescue Be-."

He catches himself. "No, Ben isn't real, he's just a dream - a horrible nightmare induced by my regeneration. His relationship with Rose; the wierd and inconstant adventures we had - all just fantasy."

Casting Ben from his mind forever, the Doctor bounds over to the console and turns on the scanner. "Now then, what's happening outside..."

Seeing the situation on the Sycorax ship, the Doctor taps the console "Time for a grand entrance old girl...", and he strolls over to the TARDIS doors ready to face new adventures.


Youth of Australia said...

Google, the biggest search engine in the internet, in the world, was told to look for website featuring both the phrases "Ben Chatham" and "Doctor Who". There were five matches.

It found...

...this blog...

...the Chatham Oddessy blog...


...Jared's blog...

...and a reference on a Big Brother fan forum: "Adam Rickitt is not a "Z-list" celebrity as you so claim, he is in fact in the A-list of British television, with starring roles in Coronation Street, the Games, and an upcoming staring role in the 2007 series of Doctor Who, as the Doctor's companion Ben Chatham"

Which, as we all know, is an utter lie.

This blog, Moopy and the BB forum all only boast BC references because Sparacus put them there. The remaining two were created to take the piss out of BC.

So, Ben Chatham can only really be found on this blog, since the other places it can be found merely repost that information.

Therefore, Ben Chatham is not canon.

Don't believe me?

"Benny Summerfield" "Doctor Who" gets 1240 matches. "Bernice Summerfield" "Doctor Who" was 63 5000.

Ergo, Benny Summerfield is 636235 google matches better than Ben Chatham, and ergo Benny is canon and Ben is not.

Cogito Ergo Sparacius Lying Bastardus.

Youth of Australia said...

for other critiques of Mark Gaucher's lack of understanding when it comes to English.

Cameron Mason said...

The Games wasn't a drama series, it was a reality TV show of 'celebrities' divided into teams and competing against each other in different sports.

I don't know how you can 'star' in reality TV, participate maybe...

Youth of Australia said...

We're not dealing with someone that comprehends reality, Cam. The whole 'AR has BEEN cast as BC' gives a clue to that...

Youth of Australia said...

"Harvest of Evil" : Part Six

The Strange Figure advances on Martha.

Strange figure: I asked you a question, wench. Why are you here?

Martha: How dare you! I am not a wench. I came here to see if I could help, not for a arrogant male such as yourself to mistake me for some kind of servant.

The strange figure slaps Martha to the ground. Despite the pain, Martha cannot help but be impressed by her attacker's raw strength and homespun beauty. Behind her, the receptionist and the other Limes staff arrive.

Strange figure: This one shall serve us as well as any other. Take her to the cavern!

Martha gasps as she is helplessly dragged through the tunnels and the strange figure looks wistfully into the distance.

Meanwhile, in a quiet study decorated with tasteful paintings and shelves full of high-class tomes on history, a man sips a glass of Napoleon brandy and looks with troubled thoughts into an antique fireplace lovingly restored and burning brightly. Suddenly there's a knock at the door and the secretary sticks her head around it.

Secretary: Mr. Darkins. Three young men are here to see you?

Darkins: I do not deal with riff-raff, Bunny.

Secretary: But sir, one of them is Ben Chatham.

Darkins: *delighted* THE Ben Chatham?

Secretary: Yes, sir!

Darkins: Then bring them in with all haste.

The serf leaves and Ben, Nick and the Doctor enters.

Darkins: Would you like something to drink? The finest French absinthe does wonders?

Ben: We don't intend to stay long, Mr. Darkins...

Darkins: Please, call me Nigel. We precious few of intellectuals and archaeologists should be as brothers, should we not? I've been trying to get you a guest spot on my shows for months now, you'd be a true tonic to the ratings. And not just the ratings.

Darkins smiles flirtatiously and Ben smiles back. Nick frowns and huffs.

Nick: We're supposed to be here about the Limes Clinic.

Ben: *exasperated but too composed to show it* I know, Nick. Nigel...

Darkins hands them all drinks. The Doctor looks at his, baffled.

Darkins: Yes, dear Benjamin?

Ben: It's about the Limes Clinic. Just recently a woman of my acquaintense suffered a near-complete nervous breakdown after her mind was reprogrammed by WOTAN.

Darkins: Ah yes, the super computer that tried to conquer Stangeness. A tragic business. Young Brett was my godson.

Ben: WOTAN's plans cost us all dearly, Nigel. But I took the woman to the Limes Clinic in order for her to recover. Now she is gone, the common receptionist claims I never brought her in, and I must find her before her family discover this!

Darkins: My dear Benjamin, don't get so fraught. Please, have some of this absinthe. It will help you all relax.

Ben rationally sips from the glass, the sophisticated, elegant flavor removing any hint of stress from his firm, smoothe form.

Darkins: I have no reall say in the running of the Limes Clinic, but I vouch unreservedly for the credibility of the staff's credentials. If they say that woman was not there, then she was not there.

Doctor: I'm bored now.

The Doctor throws the absinthe on the fire and causes a small explosion. It is only Darkins' aristocratic background and refinement that stop him crying out, which impresses all those present.

Doctor: Why are you funding the Limes Clinic?

Darkins: I am a noted humanitarian!

Doctor: So am I.

Darkins: Benjamin, I think we better attend to this matter in private.

Darkins crosses over to a suit of armor standing in the corner. Nick turns to Ben.

Nick: *angry whispers* You brought us all this way for you to make love eyes at Nigel Darkins, the eminent TV archaeologist!

Ben: He is a historian, not an archaeologist!

Nick: You're putting me down again! You're just like all the others!

Nick turns and storms out.

Ben: *whispers to the Doctor* You better get after him.

Doctor: Sorry, I don't do domestic. Tried it once...

Ben: I know what's going on! Martha may be in great danger! Trust me!!!

Doctor: *sighs* Well, if was anyone other than you, Ben.... All right.

He leaves.

Outside, Nick weeps as he runs past the reception desk. As the Doctor follows, the receptionist takes out a blow pipe and SHOOTS A POISON DART INTO THE BACK OF THE DOCTOR'S NECK!!!!

Doctor: Ow!

The Doctor collapses and the receptionist fires another dart at Nick, catching him in the chest. Grimacing in pain, Nick rips the dart off his shirt, tearing it open to reveal the smoothe heaving frame of his beautiful chest underneath. His twinkling eyes grow dull as he falls lifeless to the ground beside the doctor.

Anyway, moving on, back at the cavern, Martha is being taken to a chamber filled with metal booths. Inside each one is a patient of a Limes clinic.

Martha: How dare you! I demand you let me go! Do you weak males even know who I am!

Other Receptionist: You are nothing but raw life.

Martha: Don't be so vulgar! I assume you're going to do to me what you have done to the rest of these patients here?

Other Receptionist: That is correct.

Martha is forced easily into the metal booth which crackles with power.

Other Reception: Drain the life from this coloured wench.

The power crackles and Martha goes limp. The next booth along holds...



- What is happening to Martha? Will the Doctor and Nick survive? Can Ben discover the truth of this conspiracy of lies? What is the secret of the clinic? All will be revealed in the next exciting part folks!

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

About Ewen's claim of RTD stealing his idea of the Master's return... I think your claim is slightly hampered by the fact you never mention the Master taking the form of an amphetamine-fueled midget doing a second-rate Jim Carrey impression.

I've seen (and liked) The Sound of Drums but... wow. John Simm really needs to calm down. Right now, IMHO, he beats Keith Allen's sherriff out of the position of most-OTT villain on British television.

Youth of Australia said...

I think your claim is slightly hampered by the fact you never mention the Master taking the form of an amphetamine-fueled midget doing a second-rate Jim Carrey impression.

That would have been revealed in a full script outline. This is inadmissable!

I do get a vision of RTD watching the Sherrif going, "Aw, I wish I'd done that... No, I'll just take it up to twelve!"

Youth of Australia said...

Keith Topping a published Doctor Who fan created a blog to take the piss out of Sparacus!

We are not alone!

Gems include:

“I am a serious Whovianologist.”
It's not the size of the made-up word that’s important, it's what you do with it that counts.

“I am a recognised authority on Doctor Who.”
I have a blog which is read by just three other people. And they only read it so they can laugh at me.

“Rose was a chav.”
I have seldom met any real people, let alone any chavs, and if I ever did I would undoubtedly get my head kicked in.

“This is NOT Doctor Who. Doctor Who is being ‘dumbed down’!!!”
Something has happened in Doctor Who that I have never seen before and this both confuses and upsets me greatly.

“The Silent Majority.”
A collection of people who don’t exist. I’ve just made them up so that I can claim to speak for them.

“He’s an assertive online personality.”
He’s an rather sinister overgrown school-bully in his forties who loves being able to dominate immature fanboys because he can string four words together and has some vague connection to the programme. Worse, he thinks he is SO totally effing cool despite the fact that, as a Doctor Who fan he, inherently, isn't. What a tool, I HATE him.

“There is too much juvenile humour in New Who.”
I don't have any friends and therefore cannot appreciate that most people use humour to relate to others and alleviate difficult situations.

“Doctor Who these days is not a patch on the Classic series.”
Girls like it. It can't be any good if girls like it.

They should get Adam Ricketts in as the new Doctor or, failing that, his assistant.”
My name is Sparacus. You will remember it.

“Actually, I am a writer, so I do have some professional insight into what RTD is doing wrong.”
I'm 34 and once had a poem published in my school magazine when I was 11. It's still in a frame on my wall.

And, a special thanks to our spiritual God, Sparacus. Without whom …

Youth of Australia said...

"Dissenting or unorthodox posts which resort to personalised abuse will be deleted," will they?






I'm living this hypocritical cess pit of gay porn, snobbery, racism and classist abuse.

If I need any more of your woman-hating rape-indifference all-chav-must-die brain trauma, I'll visit here - and all the others should do as well.

Oh, and have fun deleting all the posts, Mark you complete and utter arsehole!