Tuesday 7 August 2007

Season 4 pitch: Episode 11 "Conscience"

Anyway, moving on, here is episode 11:

Episode 11: Conscience

A silent office. 2 am in the morning. A man sits with his head in his hands, a desk light shining down on him while the rest of the office is dim. Outside the glass windows the lights of London shine like intrusive ertzatz stars. Sweat pours from John Deerman's face and dribbles down the nape of his neck. He wrenches at his collar to loosen it, then takes another gulp of scotch from the glass in front of him. Inside his fevered head, his mind is dizzy and gliding.
He sees the boy that used to be him staring down at him mother's coffin as it is lowered into the grave. He is seven years old. The cold hand of his father rests on his shoulders as the grey, earthen faces of the mourners turn away coldly. Then he sees a room where his father is stumbling in from the pub and takes a swing at his younger self. He is lifted from the ground and thrown against a bookcase, crashing down. "You're a useless failure" the father shouts.

Taking another huge gulp of whisky he sees a study at Marlborough School and his teenage self is working hard at his studies on a hot summers day. Everyone else is outside socialising in the sun, but John sits working. Through the hazy fog of incandescent memory he sees himself as a student sitting reading on the grass of an Oxford college. An attractive girl approaches: "Hi John. I was wondering if you'd like to come for a drink later." He looks up coldly: "No I can't .I have to work. Some of us want to succeed in our finals." The girl turns and walks away, muttering angrily.
In the office, John Deerman rises unsteadily on his feet and gazes out the window at the lights of London. He sees in his head a party in full swing to celebrate his election to a safe seat as MP for Helmford South. The champagne is flowing as an older collegue slaps him on the shoulder, "Hows it going with Ruth? " John replies: "Fine. I've asked her to marry me. She's efficient and an essential accessary for promotion purposes." The collegue steps back a little: "Oh come on, you're joking surely. You see Ruth as an 'accessary'?" John does not answer and turns to talk to someone else.
He drifts to the scene of another funeral, his father's. As the coffin is lowered he mutters under his breath, "not a failure anymore you old bastard".

Returning to his desk in the office, he pours another large scotch and gulps it down. His mind is floating on a sea of radient swirling colours and disjointed scenes. He sees himself in his Westmister office when he was Environment Secretary. Sitting opposite him is Stephen Poole. Poole is showing him plans for a series of major plants and production facilities. "The economic gains to the country I can bring will be immense.All I need is fastracked approval. Perhaps you'd like to remember the stake I have in several leading newspapers. Do you want me behind your leadership campaign or not?" Deerman replies that hewill back Poole's plans fully. Poole smiles steelily. "Then I'm sure this is the start of a fruitful partnership."
Slumping down at the desk again, Deerman's intoxicated mind floats into another meeting, in the PM's office. He is frightened, more frightened thatn he has ever been before. "This is monstrous, horrific. What you are planning to do must be stopped." Poole smiles: "And Ruth? Your children? You now know I'm sure exactly what I have the capacity to do to them. To anyone who gets in the way. You will obey the Boss or pay the price." Deerman begs and pleads with Poole but his mind is broken and fragmented. He submits to the stronger will. Poole smiles, "call this the Triumph of the Will as a greater man than you used to say".

Back in his London office, Deerman pours a final large glass of scotch. He opens the bottle of tablets on his desk and gulps down a handful . He takes a large swig. Then another handful and another drink. Eventually both bottle and tumbler are empty. Deerman lays his head down on his folded arms. Outside the London nightlife continues. Deerman sinks into unconsciousness. His breathing becomes slower. He dies.
The TARDIS materialises in the corner of the office. The door opens and the Doctor emerges to see a corpse.....

8 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

Gosh. You're churning them out this week, aren't you?

All this logistical output and you STILL can't finish Harvest of Evil!

Still, let's get on with it.

Episode 11: Conscience

A silent office. 2 am in the morning. A man sits with his head in his hands, a desk light shining down on him while the rest of the office is dim. Outside the glass windows the lights of London shine like intrusive ertzatz stars.

Annoying. I can find nothing wrong with this. I mean, far too romantic for a synopsis, but...

Not bad. At all.

Sweat pours from John Deerman's face and dribbles down the nape of his neck. He wrenches at his collar to loosen it, then takes another gulp of scotch from the glass in front of him. Inside his fevered head, his mind is dizzy and gliding.
How does this come across on screen?

He sees the boy that used to be him staring down at him mother's coffin as it is lowered into the grave. He is seven years old. The cold hand of his father rests on his shoulders as the grey, earthen faces of the mourners turn away coldly. Then he sees a room where his father is stumbling in from the pub and takes a swing at his younger self. He is lifted from the ground and thrown against a bookcase, crashing down. "You're a useless failure" the father shouts.
Is the Doctor-lite episode?

You seem to be writing this from personal experience.

Taking another huge gulp of whisky he sees a study at Marlborough School and his teenage self is working hard at his studies on a hot summers day. Everyone else is outside socialising in the sun, but John sits working. Through the hazy fog of incandescent memory he sees himself as a student sitting reading on the grass of an Oxford college. An attractive girl approaches: "Hi John. I was wondering if you'd like to come for a drink later." He looks up coldly: "No I can't .I have to work. Some of us want to succeed in our finals." The girl turns and walks away, muttering angrily.
Not surprised. Deerman's a wanker!

In the office, John Deerman rises unsteadily on his feet and gazes out the window at the lights of London. He sees in his head a party in full swing to celebrate his election to a safe seat as MP for Helmford South. The champagne is flowing as an older collegue slaps him on the shoulder, "Hows it going with Ruth? " John replies: "Fine. I've asked her to marry me. She's efficient and an essential accessary for promotion purposes."
She looked good on his arm?

Is EVERYONE such a woman-hating arsehole?

The collegue steps back a little: "Oh come on, you're joking surely. You see Ruth as an 'accessary'?" John does not answer and turns to talk to someone else.
If he is THAT bad at interpersonal skills, how the hell did he get elected?

He drifts to the scene of another funeral, his father's. As the coffin is lowered he mutters under his breath, "not a failure anymore you old bastard".
No swearing in Doctor Who.

Returning to his desk in the office, he pours another large scotch and gulps it down.
How much can this guy drink?

His mind is floating on a sea of radient swirling colours and disjointed scenes. He sees himself in his Westmister office when he was Environment Secretary. Sitting opposite him is Stephen Poole. Poole is showing him plans for a series of major plants and production facilities. "The economic gains to the country I can bring will be immense.All I need is fastracked approval. Perhaps you'd like to remember the stake I have in several leading newspapers. Do you want me behind your leadership campaign or not?"
Wow. Stephen Poole gets dialogue after ten episodes...

...wasn't worth it?

Deerman replies that hewill back Poole's plans fully. Poole smiles steelily. "Then I'm sure this is the start of a fruitful partnership."
Slumping down at the desk again, Deerman's intoxicated mind floats into another meeting, in the PM's office. He is frightened, more frightened thatn he has ever been before. "This is monstrous, horrific. What you are planning to do must be stopped."

Why is he telling Poole this?

Poole smiles: "And Ruth? Your children?
Ahah! Deerman wins because he doesn't actually LIKE his family! Brilliant twist!

You now know I'm sure exactly what I have the capacity to do to them. To anyone who gets in the way. You will obey the Boss or pay the price."
Oh dear lord, that dialogue is crap.

Deerman begs and pleads with Poole but his mind is broken and fragmented. He submits to the stronger will. Poole smiles, "call this the Triumph of the Will as a greater man than you used to say".
MAYBE if Deerman didn't get completely wasted...

Back in his London office, Deerman pours a final large glass of scotch. He opens the bottle of tablets on his desk and gulps down a handful . He takes a large swig. Then another handful and another drink. Eventually both bottle and tumbler are empty. Deerman lays his head down on his folded arms.
Great. What a wonderful episode of Doctor Who. A guy decides life is crap and commits suicide.

Should have taken the pills FIRST, you moron, Deerman!

Outside the London nightlife continues. Deerman sinks into unconsciousness. His breathing becomes slower. He dies.
The TARDIS materialises in the corner of the office. The door opens and the Doctor emerges to see a corpse...


So, essentially, this is just Acorn Man rewritten - a surreal, dream based episode where the TARDIS crew does sod all and arrive at the last minute to find a corpse.

Nice execution, shame about the idea.

Youth of Australia said...

PLEASE RESPOND, SPARA!

Tell you what, though, Spara, if you can send me say a script or synopsis THIS detailed, I could be pursuaded to make it into a comic strip for you.

On the conditions:
I get credit
My artistic style is not compromised
YOU devise a proper Ben Chatham logo

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Spara seems to have posted a large excerpt from his memoirs by accident, and just mentioned the Doctor at the end to cover it up...

Youth of Australia said...

I suspected as much.

And if you'd remembered to take the pills BEFORE the drink, your suicide attempt might have succeeded.

sparacus said...

Tell you what, though, Spara, if you can send me say a script or synopsis THIS detailed, I could be pursuaded to make it into a comic strip for you.

On the conditions:
I get credit
My artistic style is not compromised
YOU devise a proper Ben Chatham logo


I'll think about it. I wouldn't mind utilising your cartoonist skills. However I'm not sure about you getting all the credit....

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

How about "From an idea by Sparacus"? on the front page?

Youth of Australia said...

I'll think about it. I wouldn't mind utilising your cartoonist skills. However I'm not sure about you getting all the credit....

Oh grow up, Spara.

I said "get credit" not "ALL the credit".

I just want it universally acknowledged that I and no one else drew the artwork.

Surely that is acceptable?

Youth of Australia said...

Jesus there has got to be a better way to communicate than this...

HELLO!!!!

Look, just email me!

ewen32@iprimus.com.au

I assume you have the ability to email me. I can't just hang around here all day on the off chance you remember to post a response.

So unprofessional...