An alternate "The Eleventh Hour"
OK, it is clear that 'The Eleventh Hour' has recieved a largely favourable response, however I feel that aspects of it could have been much much better. Here is an alternate synopsis of the story which hopefully will show how I would have presented the story:
The Eleventh Hour
Alone in her bedroom, young Amy Pond is staring sadly at the crack in the wall. She has few toys and her room is bare and shabby, due to neglect by her abusive aunt. As she starts to hum a tune to herself she hears footsteps on the landing and the door is flung open. It is Linda Pond, her late father's older sister & Amy's sole guardian. She has a cigarette in her mouth and is worse for wear on vodka:
"Shut that damn racket you little bitch. You do my 'ed in."Amy cowers in fear as she has recieved a thwack from her aunt many times for less. But this time something strange happens. There is a transluscent glow from the crack in the wall and suddenly a glimmering snake-like creature emerges. Linda drops her vodka bottle as the creature shoots at her head. She is instantly posessed by the thing and walks out of the room and out of the house into the cold, misty night. Amy is relieved that her aunt has gone and lies down to sleep.
Meanwhile the burning TARDIS crashes in the garden. The Doctor emerges, dishevelled, and staggers towards the house. He knocks on the door several times before Amy creeps downstairs and lets him in.
"Excuse me but can I speak to your parents please" the Doctor mumbles.
"They're both dead. I'm looked after by my aunt but she's just gone out" Amy replies.
"What and she's left you in the house on your own? That is totally irresponsible, although sadly not necessarily uncommon. May I come in and rest for a while. I assure you that I am not a criminal; I am in fact a time traveller" the Doctor states.
"Thats ok. My aunt doesn't mind criminals anyway, not the sort that sell her white powdery stuff anyway".The Doctor is disgusted:
"This is outrageous. When will she be back, I'll give her a right good taking to" he sternly states.
"I don't know. This smake thing came out of the wall and took her over." Amy mumbles.The Doctor rushes inside, concerned. He grabs a sandwich from the kitchen table and wolfs it down before rushing upstairs. He inspects the crack and is shocked to see strange dark forms moving inside. The crack closes.
"Oh no. That is a time fissure and whatever has escaped could be from anywhere in the universe. I must use the TARDIS to locate the precise point in time that the place behind the crack is at."
"Can I come with you" Amy asks.
"No. You are too young. However I will text social services on my way out". The Doctor picks up the vodka bottle and throws it in the downstairs bin, while grabbing another sandwich. He then rushes back to the TARDIS.............
................. to be continued.
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3 comments:
OK, it is clear that 'The Eleventh Hour' has recieved a largely favourable response, however I feel that aspects of it could have been much much better.
Oi, you liar, you said it was "absolute drivel" with no redeeming features.
Here is an alternate synopsis of the story which hopefully will show how I would have presented the story:
Didn't you already do that with New Moaning?
She has few toys and her room is bare and shabby, due to neglect by her abusive aunt.
Oh, child abuse. That'll really appeal to a new audience.
"Shut that damn racket you little bitch. You do my 'ed in."
This will be that "witty" and "memorable" dialogue you drool over.
Amy cowers in fear as she has recieved a thwack from her aunt many times for less. But this time something strange happens. There is a transluscent glow from the crack in the wall and suddenly a glimmering snake-like creature emerges. Linda drops her vodka bottle as the creature shoots at her head. She is instantly posessed by the thing and walks out of the room and out of the house into the cold, misty night. Amy is relieved that her aunt has gone and lies down to sleep.
Not remotely interested in the whacking great monster that just burst out of the wall? Just how stupid do you think children are?
He knocks on the door several times before Amy creeps downstairs and lets him in.
"Excuse me but can I speak to your parents please" the Doctor mumbles.
Mumbles? What rot! This Doctor is a useless tool - and one that patronizes children, going against the original character from the original series. He never spoke to Jean-Paul in Reign of Terror like that, nor did he treat Chloe Webber with such condensation.
"They're both dead. I'm looked after by my aunt but she's just gone out" Amy replies.
She also got possessed by a giant snake, but why would anyone be interested in that?
"What and she's left you in the house on your own? That is totally irresponsible, although sadly not necessarily uncommon. May I come in and rest for a while. I assure you that I am not a criminal; I am in fact a time traveller" the Doctor states.
But the Doctor IS a criminal. He's a mass-murdering car-theif who just killed his entire family. Why would he even tell Amy he's not a criminal when she hasn't even asked?
Why hasn't the Doctor done anything about his damaged TARDIS? Why is he daring to make social comments about Amy's status when he doesn't know where or when he is?
"Thats ok. My aunt doesn't mind criminals anyway, not the sort that sell her white powdery stuff anyway".
But as her aunt isn't in - and, again GIANT FREAKING SNAKE BURSTING OUT OF THE WALL - why is Amy volunteering this sort of information to complete strangers? Wouldn't her aunt have belted such honesty out of her?
This is far stupider than you even claim the original was!
The Doctor is disgusted:
"This is outrageous. When will she be back, I'll give her a right good taking to" he sternly states.
Because she's bound to take advice from a man in rags who's talked his way into a house with just a little girl for company. She won't be at all suspicious.
"I don't know. This smake thing came out of the wall and took her over." Amy mumbles.
So your ideal Doctor Who is a show where everyone mumbles?
And "smake"? Can't you even spell properly?
OK, it is clear that 'The Eleventh Hour' has recieved a largely favourable response, however I feel that aspects of it could have been much much better.
Oi, you liar, you said it was "absolute drivel" with no redeeming features.
Here is an alternate synopsis of the story which hopefully will show how I would have presented the story:
Didn't you already do that with New Moaning?
She has few toys and her room is bare and shabby, due to neglect by her abusive aunt.
Oh, child abuse. That'll really appeal to a new audience.
"Shut that damn racket you little bitch. You do my 'ed in."
This will be that "witty" and "memorable" dialogue you drool over.
Amy cowers in fear as she has recieved a thwack from her aunt many times for less. But this time something strange happens. There is a transluscent glow from the crack in the wall and suddenly a glimmering snake-like creature emerges. Linda drops her vodka bottle as the creature shoots at her head. She is instantly posessed by the thing and walks out of the room and out of the house into the cold, misty night. Amy is relieved that her aunt has gone and lies down to sleep.
Not remotely interested in the whacking great monster that just burst out of the wall? Just how stupid do you think children are?
He knocks on the door several times before Amy creeps downstairs and lets him in.
"Excuse me but can I speak to your parents please" the Doctor mumbles.
Mumbles? What rot! This Doctor is a useless tool - and one that patronizes children, going against the original character from the original series. He never spoke to Jean-Paul in Reign of Terror like that, nor did he treat Chloe Webber with such condensation.
"They're both dead. I'm looked after by my aunt but she's just gone out" Amy replies.
She also got possessed by a giant snake, but why would anyone be interested in that?
"What and she's left you in the house on your own? That is totally irresponsible, although sadly not necessarily uncommon. May I come in and rest for a while. I assure you that I am not a criminal; I am in fact a time traveller" the Doctor states.
But the Doctor IS a criminal. He's a mass-murdering car-theif who just killed his entire family. Why would he even tell Amy he's not a criminal when she hasn't even asked?
Why hasn't the Doctor done anything about his damaged TARDIS? Why is he daring to make social comments about Amy's status when he doesn't know where or when he is?
"Thats ok. My aunt doesn't mind criminals anyway, not the sort that sell her white powdery stuff anyway".
But as her aunt isn't in - and, again GIANT FREAKING SNAKE BURSTING OUT OF THE WALL - why is Amy volunteering this sort of information to complete strangers? Wouldn't her aunt have belted such honesty out of her?
This is far stupider than you even claim the original was!
The Doctor is disgusted:
"This is outrageous. When will she be back, I'll give her a right good taking to" he sternly states.
Because she's bound to take advice from a man in rags who's talked his way into a house with just a little girl for company. She won't be at all suspicious.
"I don't know. This smake thing came out of the wall and took her over." Amy mumbles.
So your ideal Doctor Who is a show where everyone mumbles?
And "smake"? Can't you even spell properly?
The Doctor rushes inside, concerned.
There's a real sense of having "seen it all before", don't you find?
He grabs a sandwich from the kitchen table and wolfs it down before rushing upstairs.
Why is there a sandwich on the kitchen table? Why did you keep in his hunger if you thought it was so childish? Why have the Doctor prioritize his hunger before dealing with the alien threat?
He inspects the crack and is shocked to see strange dark forms moving inside. The crack closes.
Wow. Thrilling. Why is the Doctor shocked? Why did it close? Why is this supposed to be better than what we saw on TV?
"Oh no. That is a time fissure and whatever has escaped could be from anywhere in the universe.
So it's actually a SPACE fissure, otherwise the "smake" would be from Earth, logically.
Remember logic?
I must use the TARDIS to locate the precise point in time that the place behind the crack is at."
Rather than search for the "Smake"?
"Can I come with you" Amy asks.
"No. You are too young. However I will text social services on my way out".
Rubbish. The Doctor doesn't have a mobile - so how can he text? This is in the mid-eighties - so who will get the text? And if Linda is Amy's legal guardian, then child services don't care.
Worse, the Doctor abandons Amy because she's young. Agism. He leaves her in a hovel he deems disgusting, fobbing off her requests for help. The Doctor is thus a selfish, lazy coward with clear signs of being very stupid.
The Doctor picks up the vodka bottle and throws it in the downstairs bin,
Wow, that'll solve anything. I bet she won't just collect the bottle and drink it. Or, even if she doesn't, she'll just buy another. And then beat up Amy, blaming her for everything.
Your Doctor is a stupid asshole, making even Ben Chatham look mildly intelligent in comparison.
while grabbing another sandwich.
Why are there all these sandwiches? Why is the Doctor prioritizing them? Surely he is stealing food from Amy's mouth, the cruel bastard? That'll get Linda even more violent than before.
He then rushes back to the TARDIS.............
So the Doctor is a stupid fuckwit that torments small children and talks like a freak. That's how you would "improve" the story. Cause that's all you've done.
You sicken me.
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