Wednesday 1 August 2007

Season 4 pitch pt 3

EPISODE 7: ACORN MAN

Morning. Donna wakes up , dresses and enters the TARDIS console room to find the TARDIS has landed in a field & the door is open. The Doctor has gone. She wakes Ben and they go outside to look for the Doctor. They see a spinney in the distance and hear the sound of a flute. Ben starts to feel dizzy. He collapses. Donna is scared and runs to where the flute playing is coming from. She sees a scruffy young man sitting cross legged counting acorns. “I am the acorn man” he says to her and smiles. His teeth are all black. Getting up, he reaches out a hand which has long black fingernails and claws Donna’s face. She runs.
Meanwhile Ben awakes to find himself in a stables, lying on straw. He sees a girl who he thinks is sleeping. Turning her over he sees that her eyes are gouged out. Reeling back in horror, he sees her get up and lunge towards him. He runs outside to find that he’s in a busy city street. Turning back he sees only a brick wall. Staggering through the street, Ben feels nauseous and cannot speak. All around he hears laughing.
Donna runs back to find the TARDIS and sees the Doctor standing by the door. Relieved she runs towards him. He grins, displaying black teeth: “I am the Acorn Man” he says, pulling from behind his back a meat cleaver. Donna screams as the Doctor lunges towards her. She runs.
Surrounded by complete darkness, the real Doctor is locked in a mind battle. He sits cross legged summoning up all of his mental energy. “You will submit” a voice says. “Never” the Doctor replies.
Ben collapses outside a bus shelter. An old lady walks up to him. “Are You alright dear” she says before kicking him in the ribs. She walks off. He sees the street change into a sandy beach with seagulls picking at discarded rubbish. It begins to rain, but the rain is like blood.
“Give me the TARDIS” a voice says, however the Doctor is too strong. Summoning up all of his psychic will, he defeats the intruding entity. Ben & Donna awake, this time for real, within the TARDIS. The Doctor explains that a psychic presence had been trying to destroy them .The TARDIS lands near the source. They emerge into a large house and see an old man slumped dead at a desk. All around the room are books on the occult. The Doctor recognises Gabriel Decavenar, the UK’s leading black magician. In his dead hand are three acorns and a sprig of woodbine. Outside the window a man walks quickly away from the house. It is Stephen Poole.


EPISODE 8: THE IMPERFECT


The TARDIS lands on Ictar 3 in the Andromeda galaxy. The Doctor has promised to show Ben the planet of the Elians, who had visited the earth centuries before and documented in von Daniken’s ‘Chariots of the Gods’. Ben had been sceptical about von Daniken’s theories until meeting the Doctor. However all is not well on Ictar 3. The once peaceful and benevolent Elians are now living under the tyranny of the Council, an oligarchy obsessed with efficiency and perfection. All dissent is crushed via execution in the modernisation chamber, an atomising machine. In the highly technocratic society, all people are linked to a master computer via implants in the head. The ruling Chairman Cressar can be seen on telescreens everywhere grinning. The Doctor, Ben & Donna join a group of underground rebels who tell them that the Council came to power centuries before as an oligarchy of business interests and since then have stifled all free expression. However the planet and its immediate neighbours are running short of resources and it is looking to expand its network of subservient planets. The Doctor helps the rebels hack into the master computer network and cripple the technological infastructure of the authorities. With the network down, mass rebellion ensues and the Council resign and leave Ictar 3.

9 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

You're up early, Spara.

You STIll haven't said anything about

EPISODE 7: ACORN MAN
Oh dear. I see the Wicker Man redone as a pointless runaround.

Morning. Donna wakes up,
It's odd that time travelers only wake up in the morning instead of say, dusk?

dresses and enters the TARDIS console room to find the TARDIS has landed in a field & the door is open. The Doctor has gone.
This bears more than a passing similarity to Green Eyed Monster.

Not a criticism, per se, just an observation.

She wakes Ben and they go outside to look for the Doctor.
Why not ring his mobile?

Seriously, Spara, why is Ben in this? He does nothing!

It's almost like you've been forced to include him by some third party.

They see a spinney in the distance and hear the sound of a flute. Ben starts to feel dizzy. He collapses.
Oh no, this is just like Operation Delta. You would think a seasoned TARDIS crewmember would have SOME kind of psychic defenses.

Black magic all over again...

Donna is scared and runs to where the flute playing is coming from.
Right. So she doesn't try to help Ben or wake him up, no, just runs towards the flute that CAUSED him to collapse in the first place.

She sees a scruffy young man
More sexism. It's well known fact from Paganism to Wicca, that women are better at using magic than men.

And "scruffy"?

sitting cross legged counting acorns. “I am the acorn man” he says to her and smiles. His teeth are all black.
OK. So this guy has a flute that makes Ben collapse. Why not Donna? Why is he trying to freak her out instead of, say, pretending to go and help her friend, then kill her when she doesn't suspect anything.

Getting up, he reaches out a hand which has long black fingernails and claws Donna’s face. She runs.
What? She doesn't belt him one? This is the same Donna who was unfazed by a giant redback spider and her army of Santa Clausii?

Seriously, Spara, THINK about what you're writing.

Meanwhile Ben awakes to find himself in a stables, lying on straw.
Right. Who moved him? Why isn't he still under the spell?

He sees a girl who he thinks is sleeping. Turning her over he sees that her eyes are gouged out.
Another young girl slaughtered.

Why do you always have young girls slaughtered?

Why?

Reeling back in horror,
Ben's seen so many murdered women, he should be unfazed!

he sees her get up and lunge towards him.
Even though she has no eyes?

He runs outside to find that he’s in a busy city street. Turning back he sees only a brick wall. Staggering through the street, Ben feels nauseous and cannot speak.
Wierd. You finally have Ben play an active role in the plot... and it's just him feeling queasy.

I hate Ben, and I think this is a waste of the character!

All around he hears laughing.
Chatham should be used to it by now.

Donna runs back to find the TARDIS and sees the Doctor standing by the door. Relieved she runs towards him. He grins, displaying black teeth: “I am the Acorn Man” he says, pulling from behind his back a meat cleaver.
A MEAT clever?!?

Well, THAT'S an effective and precise murder weapon - hell, he'll be lucky to remove a limb at all, let alone kill Donna...

And why is this Acorn Man so determined to introduce himself to Donna? Why hasn't he molested Ben yet?

Donna screams as the Doctor lunges towards her. She runs.
Is that IT?

Donna just keeps bumping into the Acorn man and running away?

I could not take the piss out of this if I tried.

Surrounded by complete darkness, the real Doctor is locked in a mind battle.
Considering he has the entire human psychic energy in his head, anything that could beat would have surely conquered the universe by now.

He sits cross legged summoning up all of his mental energy. “You will submit” a voice says. “Never” the Doctor replies.
Well. That was a fascinating and intriguing bit of dialogue.

Not.

Ben collapses outside a bus shelter. An old lady walks up to him. “Are You alright dear” she says before kicking him in the ribs. She walks off.
... Are you sure that I am not writing this?

He sees the street change into a sandy beach with seagulls picking at discarded rubbish. It begins to rain, but the rain is like blood.
What good is this doing the Acorn Man? Why not just kill the both of them while they were sleeping?

“Give me the TARDIS” a voice says,
Uh... the door's open?

however the Doctor is too strong. Summoning up all of his psychic will, he defeats the intruding entity. Ben & Donna awake, this time for real, within the TARDIS. The Doctor explains that a psychic presence had been trying to destroy them.
So it was all a dream?

Where were Lance and Katy and Charles and Rose and Jack and all the other cool people that would turn up in dream episodes?

The TARDIS lands near the source. They emerge into a large house and see an old man slumped dead at a desk. All around the room are books on the occult. The Doctor recognises Gabriel Decavenar, the UK’s leading black magician.
Ah yes, he was on Parkinson.

And a man. A man in the UK. Not even a Welshman. Gimme strength.

In his dead hand are three acorns and a sprig of woodbine.
Of course!

That could easily allow him to mentally penetrate the TARDIS and interfere with the dreams of the crew!

I'm surprised Daleks haven't tried something similar in the time war!

Outside the window a man walks quickly away from the house. It is Stephen Poole.

And what's to stop the TARDIS crew spotting him? Why did he turn up in person?

This has to be the most bewildering and confusing plot you've given us since... Death in the Cloisters!

Youth of Australia said...

EPISODE 8: THE IMPERFECT
Yep, that's your writing in a nutshell there, Spara.

The TARDIS lands on Ictar 3 in the Andromeda galaxy.
You sell out, Spara. You should have stuck to your guns, but no, crumble under pressure.

I bet you wrote this ep singly to lord it over OGers.

Plus, Ictar 3 is a crap name.

The Doctor has promised to show Ben the planet of the Elians, who had visited the earth centuries before and documented in von Daniken’s ‘Chariots of the Gods’.
Bollocks! They weren't documented in von Daniken's Chariots of the Gods! He just speculated about it! His whole book on Nazca Lines was written to emphasize that fact!

How immature of you to assume alien involvement...

Ben had been sceptical about von Daniken’s theories until meeting the Doctor.
So... he needs them proved? Despite the fact he is now a believer.

However all is not well on Ictar 3. The once peaceful and benevolent Elians are now living under the tyranny of the Council, an oligarchy obsessed with efficiency and perfection.
And smoothe chests.

All dissent is crushed via execution in the modernisation chamber, an atomising machine.
Modernisation?

In the highly technocratic society, all people are linked to a master computer via implants in the head.
Not a bit like The Long Game

The ruling Chairman Cressar can be seen on telescreens everywhere grinning.
Not a bit like The Long Game.

The Doctor, Ben & Donna join a group of underground rebels
Cliched crap!

who tell them that the Council came to power centuries before as an oligarchy of business interests and since then have stifled all free expression.
Not a bit like the Long Game.

However the planet and its immediate neighbours are running short of resources and it is looking to expand its network of subservient planets.
Not a bit like the Long Game

The Doctor helps the rebels hack into the master computer network and cripple the technological infastructure of the authorities. With the network down, mass rebellion ensues and the Council resign and leave Ictar 3.
Wait a minute, this IS the Long Game!

You have lost all enthusiasm for this, haven't you?

Stop ripping off RTD and write your OWN stuff. Even Acorn Man was better than this - and where is the gratuitious Stephen Poole reference?

Why oh why is the Doctor NOT trying to stop Stephen Poole, as he swore at the end of Reptilian Dawn? He's not gone to Torchwood, he seems to have forgotten all about it...

Very disappointing, Spara.

Youth of Australia said...

Well, Spara, trying to be constructive.

For The Acorn Man

1 - don't have it be the UK's leading warlock. Have it be an alien on a different planet. Explain WHY it is doing this. How it is doing this. Why it would want to do what SP wants.

2 - have Lance haunt Donna, since it would effect her far more than bumping into people calling themselves the Acorn Man

3 - have Ben do something, perhaps being haunted by all the people he didn't save, or his legion of annoyed exes, from Stephen, to Charles, to Paul, to Genna, to Katie, to Jake, to Jamie, to Nick...

4 - have the Doctor defeat the warlock in a clever way. If it needs to be stolen from anywhere, I recommend The Fear from Universe of Terrors.

5 - the nightmares should have a plot rather than a runaround. Maybe all this horror could be happening on a planet about to explode and they can't help the natives?

6 - have the TARDIS crew try to cash SP at the end.


The Imperfect

I can tell you wrote this more from peer pressure.

So

1 - drop the von Daniken stuff. It's old news, not relevent to a generation that KNOW there is life on other planets cause of the Martian meteor in 1997

2 - have the Doctor visit the aliens specifically to help find out what Poole is up to.

3 - maybe you should bring back some of the aliens you've already created instead of hacking up new derivitives every week. Maybe those friendly Zelans who worship Ben in Doppleganger could be the ones? It'd mean they have the time and inclination to help Ben and the Doctor, plus a bit of a gut punch to discover the benevolent aliens are such control freaks

4 - if the rulers of Ictar 3 have been in control for hundreds of years, it's likely people have forgotten what life was like without it. Chances are, there'd be no rebellion because no one knows how to rebel

5 - rename the planet

6 - the Big Brother stuff is cliched, even from you. Blake's 7 worked better with security cameras

7 - work out how this perfection extends to the TARDIS crew. Being aliens, are they exempt? Or if they are not, do they all fail?

8 - it is ludicrous to assume that after centuries of totalitarian regimes, the Council would give up after their computer crashes. If they lasted that long, there'd be a back up plan, and they would still have supporters on the planet

9 - taking these into consideration, it would be a real twist to discover that this dictatorship is actuall GOOD for the people - without the Council, the natives might go psycho or something. RTD never believes one rebellion can solve everything, and niether should you if you want to be a creative writer. You must do the unexpected.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

She sees a scruffy young man

About time Andrew Beeblebrox had a cameo...


He sees a girl who he thinks is sleeping. Turning her over he sees that her eyes are gouged out.


Considering the Beeb's unflinching stance on the idea of having blood-splatter in DW (And how little was needed to provoke a backlash frenzy in the JNT days) this is somewhat unlikely to ever appear on screen.

Surrounded by complete darkness, the real Doctor is locked in a mind battle. He sits cross legged summoning up all of his mental energy. “You will submit” a voice says. “Never” the Doctor replies.

Hmmm. SPara I have the strangest feeLing in my Mind that I've seen a similaR setup before, cobber. Any idea where?


Ben collapses outside a bus shelter. An old lady walks up to him. “Are You alright dear” she says before kicking him in the ribs. She walks off.


Your stories really could do with more of this.

And what's with the Doctor's lack of screentime? Is David Tennat meant to be filming another episode at the moment or something?

The Doctor recognises Gabriel Decavenar, the UK’s leading black magician.

That is SO racist!

Seriously Spara... if you're going to have a famous warlock, why not use a real one?

EPISODE 8: THE IMPERFECT

I think THE GENERIC would have been a better title..

Youth of Australia said...

About time Andrew Beeblebrox had a cameo...
Should I admit how exciting I find that idea?

Considering the Beeb's unflinching stance on the idea of having blood-splatter in DW (And how little was needed to provoke a backlash frenzy in the JNT days) this is somewhat unlikely to ever appear on screen.
Yeah. Unless there's a comic bit of Ben shouting, "OH MY GOD! HER EYES ARE MISSING! THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE!" describing events off screen.

Hmmm. SPara I have the strangest feeLing in my Mind that I've seen a similaR setup before, cobber. Any idea where?
SPILMR? Bollocks!
It's nicked from the Mind Robber via 42!

Your stories really could do with more of this.
I think I might be ghost writing this without my own knowledge...

And what's with the Doctor's lack of screentime? Is David Tennat meant to be filming another episode at the moment or something?
It's Doctorlite, I assume...

That is SO racist!
I think he means black magician as in 'one who practices black magic'.

Seriously Spara... if you're going to have a famous warlock, why not use a real one?
The guy from Mindfreak?

I think THE GENERIC would have been a better title..
THE RIP OFF OF THE LONG GAME would be perfect.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Should I admit how exciting I find that idea?

Admit it? My friend, you cannot deny it!

Yeah. Unless there's a comic bit of Ben shouting, "OH MY GOD! HER EYES ARE MISSING! THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE!" describing events off screen.

Showing that this episode has the potential to be the funniest episode ever made...

SPILMR? Bollocks!

Eat you heart out, Professor Langdon...

It's nicked from the Mind Robber via 42!

I have to admit, I've ripped off the 'Doctor is in black void talking to invisible villain' scene... but when you do that you need bloody brilliant dialogue to compensate!

Voice: You will submit to me!

David Tennant: Let me think about it... yeeeeeeeeeeeeeNO!

Doesn't quite cut it, does it?

I think I might be ghost writing this without my own knowledge...

But where's the sodomy?

It's Doctorlite, I assume...

At this point Tennant is performing the demanding and powerful "Gothic architecture" scenes...

I think he means black magician as in 'one who practices black magic'.

I know, I know... but it's an easy joke and I've never been able to resist them.

The guy from Mindfreak?

If it wasn't for wiki a lot of our conversations would just stop dead.

That Criss Angel bloke IS freaky-looking...

THE RIP OFF OF THE LONG GAME would be perfect.

Yeah, you probably have a point. I'm not entirely convinced that it was a direct rip-off, per se, rather than just making as middle-of-the-road trad "Doctor starts revolution" story that parallels to LG (which at the least had well-covered themes and was more than a little trad) would be inevitable.

I've noticed on OG that people seem to be saying that "Acorn Man" is Spara's finest story so far. They may be right, but I think it says stuff about the competition than anything else...

Youth of Australia said...

Admit it? My friend, you cannot deny it!
He'd be a breath of fresh air on Torchwood... which is composed of people so sex obsessed who make Nigel look celibate...


Showing that this episode has the potential to be the funniest episode ever made...
Possible.

I have to admit, I've ripped off the 'Doctor is in black void talking to invisible villain' scene... but when you do that you need bloody brilliant dialogue to compensate!
Like in Alien Bodies where the invisible villain assumes the form of John Steed to keep the conversation going, and the Doctor gets to sit on a beanbag...

Voice: You will submit to me!
David Tennant: Let me think about it... yeeeeeeeeeeeeeNO!
Doesn't quite cut it, does it?

Voice: Awwwww!

But where's the sodomy?
It's in a box with the ambiguity.

At this point Tennant is performing the demanding and powerful "Gothic architecture" scenes...
...which involve him sitting on a chair not talking.

Damn it, no wonder Eccles couldn't hack the strain of such high octane a job...

If it wasn't for wiki a lot of our conversations would just stop dead.
Chris Angel's Mindfreak, on Channel 7 right after Stargate...

That Criss Angel bloke IS freaky-looking...
Which is good enough for the Chathamverse...

Yeah, you probably have a point. I'm not entirely convinced that it was a direct rip-off, per se, rather than just making as middle-of-the-road trad "Doctor starts revolution" story that parallels to LG (which at the least had well-covered themes and was more than a little trad) would be inevitable.
I've given plenty of alternatives for him to fix it if he can extract his digit and do a day's work for once in his life.

I've noticed on OG that people seem to be saying that "Acorn Man" is Spara's finest story so far. They may be right, but I think it says stuff about the competition than anything else...
Yes.

All those people haven't mentioned The Imperfect, though.

The trouble is... I think Spara's ripping off Mick Lewis' Rags, which has some similar crap in it.

Oh, and I've remastered From The Depths up on the Ben Chatham sux blog.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...


He'd be a breath of fresh air on Torchwood... which is composed of people so sex obsessed who make Nigel look celibate...


"Oooh, dat look on yer face when ya cum!" - Dr Owen Harper, philosopher

Now that I'm thinking about it, Andrew really would kick arse in Torchwood. How could they do a sci-fi gang show without a "kinda-crazy-but-not-really" character? Zarking amateurs...

Like in Alien Bodies where the invisible villain assumes the form of John Steed to keep the conversation going, and the Doctor gets to sit on a beanbag...

I can't remember that bit at all, but AB had so much messed up stuff in it I'll take you on your word, sir.

It's in a box with the ambiguity.

The Doctor: Whatever you do DON'T OPEN THE BOX!!!

...which involve him sitting on a chair not talking.

But looking thoughtful.

Damn it, no wonder Eccles couldn't hack the strain of such high octane a job...

I'm seeing a blooper reel filled with clips of Eccles sitting in the audience and screaming out "FOR FUCK'S SAKE THIS IS SO BORING!" to the heavens.

I've given plenty of alternatives for him to fix it if he can extract his digit and do a day's work for once in his life.

I saw them. Good stuff.

Yes.

All those people haven't mentioned The Imperfect, though.


There's good reason for that.

The trouble is... I think Spara's ripping off Mick Lewis' Rags, which has some similar crap in it.

I thought it was ripped off the last few minutes of The Deadly Assassin Episode 2, myself...

Oh, and I've remastered From The Depths up on the Ben Chatham sux blog.

Awesome. Will be checking that out.

(I've been off sick, so I've been catching up on a lot of online-reading)

Youth of Australia said...

"Oooh, dat look on yer face when ya cum!" - Dr Owen Harper, philosopher
"Owen, you know as well as I do you never see the face of your lovers. They all insist you wear a paper bag. Now can we just get on with protecting humanity?" - Andrew Beebelbrox, philosopher

Now that I'm thinking about it, Andrew really would kick arse in Torchwood. How could they do a sci-fi gang show without a "kinda-crazy-but-not-really" character? Zarking amateurs...
I'd say it was supposed to be Jack, but that was way back when we were sold Jack as the 'out of bounds' kinda guy that refused to accept authority...

The Doctor: Whatever you do DON'T OPEN THE BOX!!!
Tarrant: I think I'll open the box.

But looking thoughtful.
Wearing glasses.
Glasses that hide the fact he's fallen asleep with boredom.

I'm seeing a blooper reel filled with clips of Eccles sitting in the audience and screaming out "FOR FUCK'S SAKE THIS IS SO BORING!" to the heavens.
I'm seeing a blooper reel filled with clips of the ENTIRE cast and crew shouting the same thing.

Mind you, that'd be a great start to the episode. I can hear the theme tune crashing in.

There's good reason for that.
Is there?

I thought it was ripped off the last few minutes of The Deadly Assassin Episode 2, myself...
Oh yeah. I give him too much credit.

Awesome. Will be checking that out.
(I've been off sick, so I've been catching up on a lot of online-reading)

Hell. Hope you get better.