Sunday, 16 December 2007

New Ben Chatham Story: "Winter of the Lost" on OG

The Ben Chatham Christmas special is now being posted on OG. Will post here if theres enough interest.

17 comments:

Youth of Australia said...

You're a cruel bastard, Sparacus.

Honestly, me, your most loyal blog responder! You know I can't visit OG! And I thought you wanted more traffic for the blog! Saying "it's on OG" isn't going to make people come here, is it?

I mean, is it REALLY so difficult to cut and paste? Hmm!?

Youth of Australia said...

My sources have provided me this hallowed story...

OK folks, since the festive season is almost here it is time for a special Ben Chatham adventure to compliment the Christmas Day Doctor Who special.

"WINTER OF THE LOST"

Ben has been invited to spend Christmas at Lord and Lady Ashford's home, Duxforth House. The Ashfords are old family friends and Lord Ashford has initiated a project to design and construct an Elizabethan-style walled garden on the site of a ruined chapel in the grounds. However while clearing the foundations, some curious archaeology has been discovered and Lord Ashford thought immediately of Ben.
Ben is driving down to Hampshire , accompanied by Katie Ryan , whose knowledge may be useful on the project. He has also asked Kyle along to help dig the excavation trenches. As they drive, Ben lets the crisp winter air blow through the window:
"Duxforth is such a marvellous house. I spent some time there as a child on visits with my parents. Lord Ashford wants someone reliable who won't try to block his garden project."
Katie frowns:
"I'm not comfortable about this Ben. If there is archaeology of great importance, we are duty bound to recommend that development is suspended for a fair while to allow a fuller excavation."
Ben laughs:
"Oh pfffft, thats not like you. Its not as if Lord Ashford wants to build ugly modern houses on the site, merely construct a charming garden. No archaeology will be damaged and he's generous with his wallet if you know what I mean *winks*. This is a great opportunity."

Ben turns up the car CD player. He is listening to "The Rosenkavalier" Richard Strauss , as he is trying to educate Kyle about opera.
After a while they stop at a large cafe as Katie demands refreshment.
"You know I hate these places" Ben stresses, however they get themselves coffees and some cakes.
"So what kinda stuff 'ave they found there then? Bones? Artefacts?" Kyle asks. Katie chuckles:
"Thats a big word for you, artefacts. Sorry, couldn't resist. They've just found bones haven't they Ben?"
"Yes, hardly surprising for a ruined chapel. I expect this will be a straightforward job but since Lord Ashford wants to start the garden in January, we get to spend Christmas in one of the UK's finest stately homes."
As they chat, a woman enters the cafe surrounded by several burly men who fetch her coffee and food. Ben instantly recognises her as Kylie Minogue.
"Hey its Kylie Kyle"
*They all laugh*
"Seriously , she must be on her way to a show or something. Lets introduce ourselves."
Ben gets up and walks over to Kylie's table:
"Excuse me, but I'm Ben Chatham. Can I just say how much I admire your 'Impossible Princess' album, its a shame you went downhill after that, but you can still turn out the odd good track. I love your new blonde look."
Kylie looks puzzled:
"Ben Chatham....? Oh hang on, are you the Ben who has saved the world from several major alien threats?"
"The SAME!" Ben exclaims. Kylie blushes and feels herself deeply attracted to the young, blonde stranger.
"Please, you and your friends must join me."

As they sit and chat, Katie tells Kylie how much she grew up with her music, while Kylie runs her hand up Ben's leg.
"Are you on tour then?" Kyle asks,
"No. I've been invited to play a private gig at Duxforth House for Lord and Lady Ashforth's son Anselm. Its his 21st and he's a big fan of mine. They are paying well."
"Hey , thats where WE are going." Katie exclaims.
"Then we can go together" Kylie says seductively, staring into Ben's eyes, "I would love to get to know you more deeply *strokes Ben's smooth inner thigh*"
Having arrived at Duxforth House, Ben, Katie and Kyle are shown the site of the planned garden, while Kylie and crew set up base in the Summer House .
"We plan to transform this site into a garden modelled on Elizabeth I's charming walled garden at Aitchworth House." Lord Ashworth says proudly.
Ben is impressed:
"Oh how utterly delightful. One loves the sweet smell of roses in a series of triangular visual islands."
Kyle frowns:
*to Katie* "I wish Ben wouldn't put on that funny accent , its daft."
"Er, he's trying to impress his Lordship. Its called showing respect, something you would do well to learn." Katie replies.
"No it ain't, its called sounding like a prat" Kyle whispers back.
"It was a mistake to bring you" Katie huffs.

Looking round the site, Ben asks about its history:
"There was a monastery on this site before the dissolution, then this house was built. I suspect the bones are just some buried monks. Either that or some graves from the house chapel that stood here till the 1800s." Lord Ashford explains.
Ben smiles:
"Oh this should be easy work. We do a few digs, see if theres much else then keep it between ourselves."
His Lordship winks:
"Thats my boy. *whispers* And they'll be a fat backhander coming your way for not telling the archaeological Stasi what you find. I'm not having my walled garden postponed ."

Lord and Lady Ashford return to the house, while Ben and Kyle set to work digging an excavation trench. Katie sits elegantly on a pile of old stones and smokes a cigarette.
"How primitive resorting to digging with spades. And no geo-phys either." She muses.
As the digging progresses, Ben unearths a human skull.
"Hmm, definitely a recent burial. Too shallow and well preserved to be older than 200 years."
Suddenly however a cold chill runs through them and the air around seems hazy.Swirling winds seem to set up and a wave of nausea hits them.
"What the hell is happening?" Katie shouts as suddenly they see a vision of a group of figures standing glaring at them. They are dressed in brown rags and the men have beards and strange, hollow eyes.
Suddenly they are gone. Katie leaps up from her pile of rocks and as she does so dislodges some of them. They fall away to reveal a dead human face, maggots crawling over it. Katie screams.

Ben & Kyle pull the rocks away to reveal the corpse of man dressed in overalls. Sticking in his chest is a small sword.
Ben is disconcerted as its unusual to find maggot ridden dead bodies in country gardens.
"Something is very wrong here. This sword is not even Elizabethan. Look at the simple design. It resembles those found at Danebury Hillfort and dates from the iron age!"
Ben yanks it out and studies the find:
"Beautiful. I've never seen one this well preserved."
"Hey Ben, 'adn't we better get the police before interfering with stuff?" Kyle shouts.
Just then a young man enters the site. He is slim, dark and beautiful , with a delicate, almost vulnerable look.
"Hello. I'm Anselm, Lord and Lady Ashford's son. Tea is ready."
Ben is instantly attracted:
"Hello Anselm, I'm more than pleased to meet you. I think we'd better call the police before tea. Something is very wrong here. A moment ago time shifted and two time periods partly merged. The Doctor warned me about this kind of thing. Someone or something is interfering with the very fabric of time....."
- to be continued


How utterly fucking awful.

Johnstone said...

Spara, it's crap.

Johnstone said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lord Moon said...

He spelt "smooth" right!

Youth of Australia said...

But not blond.

Blond is used to describe males with fair/yellow hair.

Blonde is used to describe females with fair/yellow hair.

Thus, he tends to infer Ben is a woman. As do I...

Scyther Slitheen said...

Thus, he tends to infer Ben is a woman

That whould actully ecplaien alot about Bens charater :)

Anyway the story is terribel, but its Kylie I feel sorry for :(

Youth of Australia said...

Remember - it's not canon.

Kylie is perfectly safe...

sparacus said...

Berniefishnotes

Your comment was abusive and offensive.
Any more posts from you will be deleted on the spot, consider yourself as having infringed the code of conduct.

sparacus said...

YOA

You could try explaining exactly WHY you dislike my story.

Youth of Australia said...

I could.

But then I explain why I dislike your stories so much.

And you never take notice.

You really want me to critique it?

And deleting Bernie's post is cowardice of the highest degree AND censorship. And ironic considering his post was that he's not going to comment further...

Youth of Australia said...

"WINTER OF THE LOST"
And just what does the title refer to? What has been lost?

Ben has been invited to spend Christmas at Lord and Lady Ashford's home, Duxforth House.
Whoopee. Ben gets to go to a mansion and spend Christmas with the aristocracy - he clearly didn't have any friends who wanted to spend time with him, and his family avoids him like the plague.

The Ashfords are old family friends and Lord Ashford has initiated a project to design and construct an Elizabethan-style walled garden on the site of a ruined chapel in the grounds.
Who cares? A Lord wants to redesign his land - it's not interesting, is it? Adventures in landscape gardening? It couldn't be that Ben actually has FRIENDS and is visiting him, could it? No, it has to be work related!

and Lord Ashford thought immediately of Ben.
Which is lucky as Ben never so much as mentioned these bosom buddies ever before. Why the hell go to Ben? The guy is a complete amateur with hardly any actual work done, and shows all the signs of a total personality dissorder - hardly someone you'd want investigating the place.

Ben is driving down to Hampshire,
Down? He's spent the last two stories there, Sparacus! You know, the ones where he vows to contact the Doctor - but no. Forget that and scrounge off some rich pals...

accompanied by Katie Ryan , whose knowledge may be useful on the project.
May? I'm sorry, Ben decides to invite a woman he despises to accompany him on the OFF chance she might know something important? Why not call someone he DOESN'T hate who has PROPER qualifications? In fact, why does God-like Degree-Bearing Ben need help anyway? Oh, wait, because he's a totally clueless idiot.

He has also asked Kyle along to help dig the excavation trenches.
Oh great. That means he's dragged them down to do all the hard work, and Kyle of course, despite showing more intellectual power than the rest of the entire galaxy in your stories, is relegating to digging ditches because he is common. Ben Chatham would never dare break a nail by DOING something?

As they drive, Ben lets the crisp winter air blow through the window:
Why does Ben NEVER leave the window up? Is he claustraphobic?

"I'm not comfortable about this Ben.
What unbelievable and unrealistic dialogue. And her point is fair - why should they break the rules for some old git whose house Ben likes.

"Oh pfffft, thats not like you.
What? Pointing out the moral dimension? I agree. This is the same bitch who was wishing Hitler a long and happy life.

Its not as if Lord Ashford wants to build ugly modern houses on the site, merely construct a charming garden.
He wants to change it, you moron, and that is all that matters!

No archaeology will be damaged and he's generous with his wallet if you know what I mean *winks*.
Oh, is this another endearing quirk of Ben, is it? That he can easily be bribed to break the rules of his profession? Well, his stated profession, since he never actually does anything and intends for his sex slaves to do it for him, while HE gets the money!

I HATE YOU, BEN CHATHAM!

as he is trying to educate Kyle about opera.
So doing it in a car is bound to help - no interruptions or distractions there, is there? And how can this help Kyle? I would have thought anger management skills would have been priority, but no, a love of opera.

Why the hell should he 'educate' Kyle? Kyle should be educating Ben, since Kyle seems to have a brain and the ability to take action without absinthe, Bowie, and texting.

After a while they stop at a large cafe as Katie demands refreshment.
HOW DARE SHE?!?!

"You know I hate these places" Ben stresses
Well, that's what you get when you travel with bitches you hate.

"Thats a big word for you, artefacts. Sorry, couldn't resist.
SHUT up, Katie! I mean, for the love of god, she can't even control herself from insulting Kyle? A man who has saved her life on several occasions and who she has to work with?

"Hey its Kylie Kyle"
*They all laugh*

...why? Why is that funny? Seriously, I don't understand the humor - except for the fact you seem determined to use the same sort of name for Ben's exs (Charles, Karl, Kyle, Katie, Kylie)

"Excuse me, but I'm Ben Chatham.
Can I just say how much I admire your 'Impossible Princess' album, its a shame you went downhill after that, but you can still turn out the odd good track. I love your new blonde look."

And just why does Ben think he is allowed to stride up to people, tell them that they're rubbish compared to the good old days?

Does he think Kylie will be HAPPY to be treated like that? If anyone insulted Ben like that, he would have burst into tears the pathetic loser.

"Ben Chatham....? Oh hang on, are you the Ben who has saved the world from several major alien threats?"
How many Ben Chathams does she know? And "major alien threats"?! Why would she talk like that? Kylie is Australian, as am I, and she is more likely to say "Aren't you the one that saved George Bush from a giant bug?"

And how come Ben is so famous? You'd think UNIT were trying to keep things hush, and with Torchwood retconning everyone in sight...

You know that bit where the Doctor says he doesn't mind that no one knows he saved humanity?

Well, Ben doesn't have that humility, does he? He needs everyone to know who he is, how special he is and GOD DAMN, WHAT PART OF MODESTY DOESN'T HE GET?!?

"The SAME!" Ben exclaims.
Arrogant little shit. Runs up to Kylie Minogue, slags her off and bigs himself up. Pathetic!

Kylie blushes and feels herself deeply attracted to the young, blonde stranger.
IT'S BLOND SPARACUS! IT'S ONLY "BLONDE" FOR WOMEN!

And how can Ben be a stranger if she knows who he is? Why does she have to fall in love with him? What has Kylie done to you?! Is it because she is in proper Doctor Who and AR will never be? Is that why you dumb her down and turn her into a slut like all your female characters?

"Please, you and your friends must join me."
So he can insult you more and talk about himself? Wake up, Kylie!

Kylie runs her hand up Ben's leg.
You've only known him two minutes! And she's groping him in public?! How does Ben feel about this? Surely he's disgusted as he always is with female contact?

"I would love to get to know you more deeply *strokes Ben's smooth inner thigh*"
What?!@!?!? THE??!? FUCK2?@!?

You realize you could get sued over this, Mark! Yeah, I know your name now. I can tell Kylie's lawyers.

"We plan to transform this site into a garden modelled on Elizabeth I's charming walled garden at Aitchworth House." Lord Ashworth says proudly.
I KNOW! BEN EXPLAINED THAT!

Ben is impressed:
SYCOPHANT!

"Er, he's trying to impress his Lordship. Its called showing respect, something you would do well to learn." Katie replies.
FUCK OFF, KATIE! Ben is lying and acting dishonestly, worse making a fool out of himself! And Katie was going on about morality before, the hypocritical bitch!

WHY do you make everyone bar Kyle so utterly stupid and unlikable? You DRAW attention to their flaws, but never any good points!

"It was a mistake to bring you" Katie huffs.
Er, HE can actually do work, Katie, whereas you've proved yourself totally surplus to requirements.

"There was a monastery on this site before the dissolution,
OH, I AM SICK TO DEATH OF FUCKING MONASTERIES! You have done six stories about monasteries and the dissolution AND IT'S BORING NOW!

DO SOMETHING NEW!

God, when RTD writes a Christmas special, he sets it on the Starship Titanic. You? You just pull the same fucking Midsommer Murders out of the same hat and expect us to be impressed.

USE YOUR IMAGINATION FOR ONCE!

"Thats my boy. *whispers* And they'll be a fat backhander coming your way for not telling the archaeological Stasi what you find. I'm not having my walled garden postponed ."
WHAT? WHY?! What's so important about the garden? Ashford can get publicity, fame, patronage... but no. He wants a garden. Right away.

And why is he so indiscrete, bouncing up and down shouting "BACKHANDER!"

You don't get subtlety, do you, Sparacus? You have to repeat everything Ben says, as if to prove for once he's a reliable source of information, and nail the point right through our skulls!

"How primitive resorting to digging with spades. And no geo-phys either." She muses.
WHY does she muse this? I mean, she KNOWS they don't have the resources of Tony Robinson and the time team, and she KNOWS this is an illegal bribed excavation done by amateurs, and she is acting surprised! Why doesn't she help them, maybe?

"Hmm, definitely a recent burial. Too shallow and well preserved to be older than 200 years."
Wow, Ben works that out with no tests at all. And probably drove a spade through it, the useless fuck!

Swirling winds seem to set up and a wave of nausea hits them.
NAUSEA! Of course! There's not a single story you've written without it!

"What the hell is happening?" Katie shouts as suddenly they see a vision of a group of figures standing glaring at them. They are dressed in brown rags and the men have beards and strange, hollow eyes.
Wow. That's EXACTLY THE SAME DAMN THING AS A DOZEN OTHER SPARA STORIES! Starting with Earthspan, if you don't believe me.

My god, that means Ben, Kylie Minogue and a time rift all happen to be in the exact same place at the exact same time.

BULLSHIT!

Why couldn't you have done something interesting, and, say, just had an ordinary adventure with no time shifts or aliens, or occults or ruined monasteries?

Would it have KILLED YOU?!?

a dead human face, maggots crawling over it. Katie screams.
Wow! No one else noticed the corpse or the smell of putrefaction, did they?

Ben is disconcerted as its unusual to find maggot ridden dead bodies in country gardens.
It's completely normal for Ben! The only difference is that it's not a teenage girl!

Why do you tell us WHY he's 'disconcerted' when it's plainly obvious. After finding a rotting corpse under his fag hag's bum, I'd not blame him if he was actually SCARED. But no. A human being lies dead and the only reason it bothers Ben is because it's not normal.

I HATE HIM!!!

"Something is very wrong here. This sword is not even Elizabethan. Look at the simple design. It resembles those found at Danebury Hillfort and dates from the iron age!"
Ben yanks it out and studies the find:
"Beautiful. I've never seen one this well preserved."

THERE IS A FUCKING CORPSE AT YOUR FEET YOU INSENSITIVE BASTARD! A MAN WITH HOPES AND DREAMS AND A FAMILY WHO NEVER LIVED TO SEE CHRISTMAS! AND YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE!

What's wrong with the story, Sparacus? Well, that scene, to be honest! It's as wrong as ANYTHING you could possibly write.

There is nothing endearing, interesting or enjoyable about a hero who admires swords sticking out of dead human beings!

Ben Chatham cares about no one but himself and is thus an antithesis of anything that Doctor Who would stand for. You know, Doctor Who, the show you're supposed to like? The one that would only use a scene like this to demonstrate Ben is the most horrible and revolting of people who deserves no sympathy whatsoever?

Your lack of morality TERRIFIES me.

Just then a young man enters the site. He is slim, dark and beautiful , with a delicate, almost vulnerable look.
Oh, another love interest. There's no chance that Anselm could have been an ugly inbred twit.

That mean we have Kylie Minogue, Kyle, Katie and Anselm fighting over Ben's attentions. I bet Anselm is similarly a closeted homosexual and Ben will instantly fall in love with him, having not reacted in any way whatsoever to a pop star copping a feel.

Ben is instantly attracted:
WHAT WERE THE FUCKING ODDS?!?

"Hello Anselm, I'm more than pleased to meet you.
Yes, and there's a maggot-ridden corpse right next to you. Anselm is thus a murder suspect. But don't let the facts get in the way, will you? He's cute, he can't POSSIBLY be evil.

I think we'd better call the police before tea.
So... a dead body who Ben has now tampered with, leaving all sorts of evidence that BEN was the one that killed him (his fingerprints on the sword for example) and he wants to have tea with a complete stranger who could be the murderer?

DIE, CHATHAM YOU STUPID FUCK!!

Something is very wrong here. A moment ago time shifted and two time periods partly merged.
Oh, because the corpse is not worth mentioning. And of course blabbing to everyone that you know about temporal shifts, that's a good move! The evil mastermind behind this is sure NOT to go "Hmm, he knows more than the other humans, I better not kill him even if can communicate with professionals and endanger the whole plan!"

Yeah, Ben, shoot your mouth off in front of everyone.

The Doctor warned me about this kind of thing.
Oh and mention the Doctor, THAT's BOUND to make SENSE to everyone!

So...

THAT is what I thought was wrong with it.

Youth of Australia said...

Bernie Fishnotes posted no abusive material here of ANY sort.

Me? Truckloads. But he is innocent of everything except trying to deal with this overbearing reactionary in a mature and sensible manner! This censorship is horrifically offensive!

Johnstone said...

Spara, what Bernie posted was nothing offensive on any way. Further what code of conduct? The DWF one that doesn't count here?

Youth of Australia said...

If this COC is like the OG one, then Spara's violated it himself on many occasions with his diatribes against the poor/ignorant/overweight/foreign.

Andrew said...

Well, this story seems to be another rotten sack of shit from Spara. Worse, it's the exact same shit he's been peddling for many months now.

However, I found YOA's blow by blow commentary on it to be witty, insightful, and absolutely spot on. Couldn't have phrased it better myself, in fact.

Youth of Australia said...

I love you, Andrew. You know that, don't you??