Friday 21 December 2007

Winter of the Lost: Part 4

Anyway, here is part 4 of this Christmas special folks!

Ben and Anselm are lying together after making love by the riverbank:
"So, what was that vision we saw earlier? What are you involved with?" Ben asks. Anselm strokes Ben's blonde hair:
"Ben, on Christmas Day we are going on a journey, the Cult of the Sun I mean. Our leader is going to take us to a new home, another planet beyond the solar system. He has the technology. That vision was part of a game, to give us a sense of what life will be like without modern technology and society."
Ben lets his hair fall over his face as his dark, dreamy eyes fill with tears:
"But I've only just found you and now you say you are leaving."
"Come with me Ben. Come with me to the new world. *Anselm pulls out a punnet of stawberries from his bag and offers one to Ben*.

Meanwhile Katie has rung the police on her mobile, in a state of frustration. Kyle is tring to calm her:
"Look theres nowt much the police can do an' they ain't gonna take seriously us seeing weird visions. Lets see if we can find anything else."
However as he searches, three men approach and one of them pulls out a gun.
"OK, don't move. Now give us the objects."
They take the sword and catapult from Kyle and then bundle him & Katie into the back of a landrover and drive to the mud track that leads to the road.

Ben & Anselm arrive back at the house just as the police are arriving. Lord Ashford is greeting the police:
"Oh what now? We've given our statements, can't you leave us alone Barnaby?"
Chief Inspector Barnaby remains stony faced:
"My Lord, we've recieved a call from a woman in a severe state of distress on your land. Is it Ok if Sergeant Troy here has a look around?"
Ben is concerned:"Hey, that sounds like Katie. I'm sorry, my name is Ben Chatham and I've just seen a vision of some Iron Age warriors. Katie may have done the same."
Barnaby looks gone out:
"Are you taking the Michael?"
Ben is irritated:"Look, I know how it sounds, but I'm telling the truth."
Barnaby ignores him and heads off towards the garden with Troy, while Lord Ashford goes inside.In the drawing room, Ben & Anselm help themselves to a brandy:
"Look Ben, I wish you hadn't told the police that. Look, come with me now. Come and meet the leader."
Ben isn't sure about this, but he feels such a closeness to Anselm that he agrees. They knock back the brandies then set off in Anselm's car . As they leave, Barnaby comes stomping back into the house:
"Right, don't anymore of you leave. We've found another body....."

Anselm drives to a large house set within a plush estate. The gates are electronically operated & he punches in the code. As they arrive at the house, Anselm rings the occupents and the door is opened. Several men usher them into a large study, where a man stands with his back to them. Anselm addresses him:
"Sir, I have brought someone to meet you. I think he would be an ideal addition to our group. His name is Ben Chatham."The man sniggers:
"Oh I have heard of Ben Chatham. *Turning around* welcome Ben. Welcome to the Cult of the Sun. My name is Mike Yates......"


- to be continued

8 comments:

Scyther Slitheen said...

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Why on eath is Mike (My favoriet UNIT member) runing a secret cult!? I know he had that bussnes in The Green Death and Invasion of the Dinasures but in Planet of the Spiders he was freed from all that and finally made peace with what was bothering him, it makes no sense!

You could have picked some better people to repersent "Devoted to rejecting the culture of the modern urban world and returning to a simpler way of life" Anselm just sounds like a posh, spoilet snob.

sparacus said...

Mike has a history of this kind of idealism.

Scyther Slitheen said...

True, but in Plantet of Spiders he got over what he did and I like to think he relised what he did was a mistake. I really dont think he whould go down that path again...

Youth of Australia said...

Mike has a history of idealism...

in the 1970s! When he was BRAINWASHED by a CULT! Thereupon in Planet of Spiders, as SS as pointed out, he got over it.

Mike actually starting his own cult spits in the face of this character development. It's clear, Sparacus, you have no imagination or even the most basic of understanding of characters.

You are the lowest of the low.

And, for a laugh, I might just critique your latest emission.

Youth of Australia said...

Ben and Anselm are lying together after making love by the riverbank:
..what?

All right. Let's look at what's wrong about this.

1) Ben is making love with a man he has known less than an hour, and during that time spent it with a maggot ridden corpse

2) Ben is making love with a man he doesn't know, despite the numerous unhappy love affairs he'd had, and the fact he seems to stalk every male suitor. Does he not realize this?

3) Ben is making love with a man who is a cultist lunatic and intends to destroy civilization, and TOLD Ben this in DETAIL before they got all squelchy

4) Surely cold, damp riverbank on the night of Christmas Eve in winter is not weather for outdoor love?!

"So, what was that vision we saw earlier? What are you involved with?" Ben asks.
He just told you, you stupid bastard - Circle of the Sun, religious maniacs, changing history on Christmas Day?

Anselm strokes Ben's blonde hair:
BLOND! HOW MANY TIMES BEFORE YOU GET IT THROUGH YOUR SKULL, SPARACUS? BLOND = MAN, BLONDE = WOMAN!!

"Ben, on Christmas Day we are going on a journey, the Cult of the Sun I mean. Our leader is going to take us to a new home, another planet beyond the solar system. He has the technology. That vision was part of a game, to give us a sense of what life will be like without modern technology and society."
What vision? We saw no vision, just a gust of cold air?

This is absolutely identical to the plot of Invasion of the Dinosaurs. Now, while I agree it is an underrated bit of brilliance, that does NOT give you the right to rip it off and claim it as your own. Using Mike Yates.

Also, even I have heard about Heaven's Gate. Anyone claiming they can save you in a spaceship using magic is a looney.

Yet Ben falls for this, proving once again, Ben is the stupidest of all life on Earth.

Ben lets his hair fall over his face as his dark, dreamy eyes fill with tears:
"But I've only just found you and now you say you are leaving."

What?! BEN! WAKE UP! He TOLD you about this BEFORE you jumped his bones!

Honestly, only Ben Chatham could daterape someone and then yell at them for daring to have made plans beforehand.

YOU'RE A FUCKING ARSEHOLE, BEN!

"Come with me Ben. Come with me to the new world.
Oh, wow, what a logical choice. Pity Ben was so brain-dead he didn't ASK to come along himself, and since Ben is the least-travelled of TARDIS crewmembers, won't want to leave his oh-so-precious Cambridge apartment and sex slaves...

*Anselm pulls out a punnet of stawberries from his bag and offers one to Ben*.
Where does he get those in the dead of winter?

Meanwhile Katie has rung the police on her mobile, in a state of frustration.
The police should still be there!

Kyle is tring to calm her:
Yes, WHY was she so damn hysterical? She's faced Nazis, zombies, alien cults, ghost monks... and she can't cope with what she KNOWS is an illusion?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WOMAN?!

"Look theres nowt much the police can do an' they ain't gonna take seriously us seeing weird visions. Lets see if we can find anything else."
Once again, Kyle proves himself homosapien to the pond scum that surrounds him in the Chathamverse.

However as he searches, three men approach and one of them pulls out a gun.
Men. Always men.

"OK, don't move. Now give us the objects."
How can they do that if they don't move? Answer THAT, clever-trousers!

They take the sword and catapult from Kyle and then bundle him & Katie into the back of a landrover and drive to the mud track that leads to the road.

WHY?!?

WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN?!?

DID YOU HAVE SOME NASTY ACCIDENT INVOLVING MIBS AND A VAN?!?

EVERY SINGLE FUCKING STORY HAS THIS HAPPEN!! ONCE, JUST FOR FUCKING ONCE IT WOULD BE NICE FOR SOMETHING ELSE TO HAPPEN THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE BEING KIDNAPPED IN A VAN!!

Ben & Anselm arrive back at the house just as the police are arriving.
THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT!!

Lord Ashford is greeting the police:
"Oh what now? We've given our statements, can't you leave us alone Barnaby?"

WHAT?!? MIDSOMMER MURDERS CROSSOVER?! Oh yeah, we get that on two channels down here. I know all about Tom Barnaby. YOU ARE INSANE!

BOWEL

SHATTERINGLY


IN


SAANEE!!


Chief Inspector Barnaby remains stony faced:
And so he should, being used in shit like this. This is copyright infringement...

"My Lord, we've recieved a call from a woman in a severe state of distress on your land. Is it Ok if Sergeant Troy here has a look around?"
Er, KATIE DIDN'T GET THROUGH! So HOW in the name of SLITHEEN BUGGERY did they get the call?

Ben is concerned:
Well, MAYBE if you weren't KNOBBING total strangers who are CULT members and GAVE A SHIT about your so-called friends...

"Hey, that sounds like Katie.
Yes, because there are no other women on the land that ever get distressed.

I'm sorry, my name is Ben Chatham
I thought everyone was supposed to know who he was already.

and I've just seen a vision of some Iron Age warriors.
When?! We saw no Iron Age warriors, just some dudes with beards - and "just" was hours ago before the corpse was found.

Oh, BTW, BEN SOUNDS LIKE A NUTTER!

WHY THE HELL TELL THE POLICE THAT? YOU THINK IT WILL HELP?!

Katie may have done the same."
OR she may have been attacked BY THE MURDERER YOU KNOW TO BE AT LARGE, YOU STUPID FUCK!

Barnaby looks gone out:
"Are you taking the Michael?"
Oh, how utterly UNamusing. There are blocked drains funnier.

And NOT in character for Barnaby.

Ben is irritated:
After all that riverbank shagging? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

"Look, I know how it sounds, but I'm telling the truth."
And even if they believe you, STUPID, what are they going to do? All you've done is told them it was a waste of police time

In the drawing room, Ben & Anselm help themselves to a brandy:
Ah yes, THE SOLUTION TO ALL OF LIFE'S PROBLEMS! Your two friends are missing, but who cares! GET DRUNK, YOU USELESS PIECES OF SHIT! I HOPE YOU BOTH GET LIVER FAILURE!

"Look Ben, I wish you hadn't told the police that.
Why? He didn't believe him. And why is the cult sending out these visions IF THEY DON'T WANT TO BE NOTICED!

Look, come with me now. Come and meet the leader."
On Christmas Eve? Isn't he busy?!

Ben isn't sure about this, but he feels such a closeness to Anselm that he agrees.
Yes. That closeness of maybe even fifty four minutes makes you get into a car with a self-confessed cultist (and on this very blog we have Ben convinced cults are trying to kill him) and travel off towards the headquarters of this doomsday religion.

YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON, CHATHAM!

They knock back the brandies
DRINK FUCKING DRIVING?!?!

then set off in Anselm's car.
Does he tell Kyle? Or Katie? Or even LOOK for them? No, just RUNS OFF WITH HIS FANCY MAN even though he KNOWS Katie is terrified.

CHRISTMAS SPIRIT IS JUST PORT TO YOU, ISN'T IT?

As they leave, Barnaby comes stomping back into the house:
Barnaby doesn't stomp! HOW CAN YOU GET THE MAIN CHARACTER OF YOUR FAVORITE SHOW SO WRONG?!

Oh wait, you get entire cast of Doctor Who completely wrong as well.

Guess you're just brain damaged, eh, Spara?

"Right, don't anymore of you leave. We've found another body....."
Why doesn't he send a panda car after them? Doesn't he notice that the two drunken yobos have fled the scene at the EXACT moment more incriminating evidence comes to light?

Anselm drives to a large house set within a plush estate.
Where? I mean, it must be a short distrance from Duxforth, so it's VERY lucky Ben just HAPPENED to be at the house which just HAPPENED to be owned by the member of the cult who just HAPPENED to live right next to them?

The gates are electronically operated & he punches in the code.
So... they're MANUALLY operated?

Why the hell is the cult doing everything it possibly can to attract attention?

Why isn't there some kind of guard?

WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WRITING THIS?

NO ONE LIKES IT!!

As they arrive at the house, Anselm rings the occupents and the door is opened. Several men
MORE men! You misogynist little grunt futtock!

usher them into a large study, where a man stands with his back to them.
Yes. Because cult leaders spend all their time standing in studies, staring at the walls and ignoring everyone.

WHAT THE HELL?!?

The man sniggers:
As would I. Ben would not be an ideal addition to anything except perhaps a radiation-soaked graveyard.

"Oh I have heard of Ben Chatham.
So the only people who DON'T know about Ben are Anselm and Barnaby.

How realistic. MAKE YOUR FUCKING MIND UP, SPARA - HE'S EITHER A FAMOUS CELEBRITY OR A COMPLETE UNKNOWN!

*Turning around* welcome Ben. Welcome to the Cult of the Sun. My name is Mike Yates......"
Presumably, Mike Yates the racist estate agent from The Warkeeper's Crown, the OFFICAL Doctor Who Magazine's comic strip?

It sure as hell isn't the character Richard Franklin would have played in the early 1970s.

So, we have a Christmas Special with no mention of Christmas, a guest appearance of Kylie Minogue who has vanished, and Ben acting like an even BIGGER dickhead than ever thought possible.

Just why is Ben famous, anyway? Hardly any witnesses survive meeting him and everything else is retconned by Torchwood and UNIT, so why is he so well known?

Answer: HE ISN'T, AND YOU'RE A MORON TRYING TO MAKE HIM LOOK COOL!

Scyther Slitheen said...

Is there anyway Sparas storys can come with YOA's fantastic commenttary allready in them when he first post them? It will make the much more enjoyabel! :)

Youth of Australia said...

Is there anyway Sparas storys can come with YOA's fantastic commenttary allready in them when he first post them? It will make the much more enjoyabel! :)
Well, I'll do my damnedest, SS. You could find my original critiques on OG Forum, I think.

Not in the loop much nowadays.

Still, feel free to post the commentary on the forum if you think others will enjoy it.

Youth of Australia said...

This latest travesty has joined WINTER OF THE LUST...