Tuesday, 8 April 2008

A typical Ben Chatham daily diet

Breakfast = Two lightly poached eggs, or five boiled quail eggs, with brown bread and smoked mackerel. Blue Rigdge coffee.

Lunch = Hummus & greek salad with olives, absinthe or orange juice.

Dinner = Two perfectly cooked lamb chops or venison with new potatoes, carrots, broccoli and mint sauce. Followed by apple pie, fresh devon cream and mints. Accompanied by exclusive bottle of 1965 Chataux De Cromaix red and Blue Ridge coffee.

Supper = Caviar or smoked salmon on french bread.


Cameron Mason said...

You forgot an item: "Cheese stolen from a New Zealand supermarket".

What the frell does the term 'perfectly cooked' mean? Still bleeding? Rare? medium-rare? well done? charred to a crisp???


Youth of Australia said...

I find it hard to bother to reply to this. What is there to say? I'm surprised Ben's digestive system can cope with this, and FOUR meals a day? Even I draw the line at three. And absinthe for lunch? Coffee for dinner? How can you have exclusive bottles of booze every night?!

And since BC's typical day involves "sleeping off hangovers, exposing alien cults, being chased by Nazis, having sex with unwilling partners" how does he get the time for this food regime which would make Shockeye of the Quancing Grig describe as "excessive"?

Leonard Hatred said...

Absinthe OR orange juice?

OK, because those two drinks are rather similar, aren't they?...

Cameron Mason said...

OK, because those two drinks are rather similar, aren't they?...

One is an evil green alcoholic brew, the other is a healthy drink.

At least they're not the choices of drink for breakfast...


Youth of Australia said...

As I say, he sleeps through breakfast because of the previous night's overdose of absinthe and hallucinagenic mints.

Leonard Hatred said...

How stupid is the blog title? "A Typical Ben Chatham DAILY Diet". So we're meant to believe the Smoothe Scumbag eats all this rich, expensive food every day?

He'd get ruddy bored of it, plus he'd be broke after two days, anyway. In the Lavatorial Chathamverse, Ben is so poor he's had to give up most of these luxuries & he now survives on crackers & (stolen?) cheese.

"Eddie, what exactly is caviarrrrrrr?"

"It's fish poo, your dukeness."

Youth of Australia said...

Ah, "Digger", what better metaphor for Chathamhood is there?

"What's for supper, Kyle?"

"Peacock's vomit, O Smoothe One."

"We Chathams have been in-breeding since the Vikings, you know..."

"Do you mind, I'm a respectable man!"

"She was crap in bed anyway, Ben."

"She looked good on my arm, though..."

Bernie Fishnotes said...

Only three meals? All discerning individuals of character eat all the following meals;

Afternoon Tea
St Michaels Meal
Midnight feast
2AM snack

You know nothing, Spara!

And if the 1965 Chataux De Cromaix red is SO exclusive, how can he drink it every day?

Youth of Australia said...

And if the 1965 Chataux De Cromaix red is SO exclusive, how can he drink it every day?
That's what I said.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

He drinks 10mil from a medicine cup.

Or the 1965 Chateaux De Cromaix is the greatest slut of the wine world and Ben lives in denial.

Or he's so full of denial he just thinks it's 1965 Chataux De Cromaix, and is actually second-rate Peruvian read he got from the bottle-o for fivepence. I think that's my favourite theory.

Leonard Hatred said...

What's the betting that Ben's daily menu is Spara's culinary version of a wank fantasy, & in real-life Mr. G the History teacher is a Coco Pops & sausage sandwich kind of man?

Ketchup or brown sauce, Spara?...