Sunday, 9 March 2008

The Torchwood Novel: 'Slow Decay'

I'm reading this at the moment, it is to say the least, rather full of padding. Do we really need pages of Owen's meandering thoughts or descriptions of Jack's poor driving skills? In my own fiction, I try to make every word count.


Youth of Australia said...

Good god, Spara. You're criticizing a 250-page novel for being longer than you're less-than-100 word synopsis?

At least the novel has central characters that aren't despised, and a plot that wasn't plagiarized from the Pertwee era.

And, you know, it's a narrative!

Christ, I can imagine the horror if YOU wrote it...

Slow Decay
Gwen and Rhys are having hot sex using an alien device Torchwood found at a nightclub murder. However, soon they start to shout angrilly at each other. Gwen returns to the Hub and everyone mocks her stupidity for using alien tech to improve her love life.
"Hang on, everyone, look at this!" Owen shouts, pointing to a giant blue mosquito in a jar he has. "I removed this from the stomach of a young teenage girl who is now dead. It was eating all the fat in her unsmoothe body."
"Pity, I like chubby ones," Jack grins. *canned audience laugher*
"The girl was going to the FatFight Insitute in Cambridge!" Tosh realizes.
The gang leave Ianto at the Hub and head for Cambridge to confront the evil Professor Philip Harrison in his office.
"We are Torchwood!" Jack shouts pulling out a gun. "You're giving out pills containing alien mosquitos that consume body fat!"
"The obesity epidemic has to be stopped," Harrison shouts insanely. "With mosquitos consuming body fat, the people can concentrate more on improving the world than their own bodies!"
"PEOPLE ARE DYING" Gwen screams.
"Untrue! They have a chance to stop!"
Harrison tries to run for it, but Owen shoots him. Everyone sings, "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow".
Later, when all the mosquitos have been destroyed, Gwen returns home, and retcons Rhys as they drink some incredibly sophisticated wine.

The End.

Johnstone said...

F*** OFF! Slow decay is a book, your Chatham rants are wank fantasies, of course it's longer, it has to have imagination and depth.

sparacus said...

My point is that 'slow Decay' contains filler. Of course it should be longer than my plot outlines but longer as in full of quality prose. I try to make every sentence count.

Youth of Australia said...

It contains plot, characterization and reflection. Alien concepts to you, I know, but others enjoy, which is why Andy Lane is paid to write books and YOU are not.

Only a moron with no literary appreciation would call it filler.

Your grubby little descriptions are filled with countless irrelevent, pointless verbiage.

Get some writing lessons, GOD DAMN!

Cameron Mason said...

In my own fiction, I try to make every word count.

By using lots of words to describe what Ben is doing, and then using a only a couple to describe what the Doctor is up to.


Youth of Australia said...

No, lots of words to describe Ben full stop. Like his smoothe chest, soul-deep eyes, lushious blonde locks, rose petal lips and peachy bubblebut.

Everything else is just garnish to stop it looking like porn.

Cameron Mason said...

Thank goodness you will probably never write an officially licensed Doctor Who story, if all you're going to do is wax on lyrical about the actor you're lust with.


Youth of Australia said...

I see the future and Ben Chatham ain't in it.

Good times ahead.

evans-t said...

"My point is that 'slow Decay' contains filler. Of course it should be longer than my plot outlines but longer as in full of quality prose."

Your stories contain filler. For example, you're lengthy descriptions of Chatham's smooth chest are filler. They're not needed there at all and they're only service in the story is to fill up space.

"I try to make every sentence count" Bollocks. You fill all of your stories with unneeded tripe, such as Chatham's chest and *shudders* the pathetic canned laughter.

Bernie Fishnotes said...

I've only listened to the audiobook version, so I'm sure most of the
"padding" has been edited out, but it still has more depth than most of your stories.

Although the ending, where the hero takes his shirt off and the problem is dealt with off screen, does sound like something you'd write, if only because you can't write decent endings.

Anyway, half your "Pitch" for season four was filler, the same story over again , with something original like "Acorn Man" or "Doctor Who Condones Suicide" dotted throughout to take us be surprise...

Youth of Australia said...

Or the utterly magnificent "Doctor Who jumps up and down on hamsters" denoument...